i’m struggling with this blog shit. and today it is shit for me because i’m frustrated and tired and without something interesting to write about. and though i hate to be so “bleh” about it, i am.

FEEL FREE NOT TO READ ON…

jackson puked last night. which sucks. i honestly felt my heart sink when it happened and thought to myself, “ah shit.” i don’t know if it was a fluke. i don’t know if he’s picked up a bug from traveling for a few days. i just know that he’s not feeling good, because he “tells” me that by puking.

he kept his bottle down this morning, which is good, but wasn’t really interested in eating much else, which is not good. he’s sleeping a lot, which one would think would be a nice break for me, but in the back of my mind it’s a red flag that says, “jackson’s not feeling good. PAY ATTENTION!”

aside from the occasionally puking magoo, i have this blog. this “other baby” that i am trying to nurture and raise (more or less) and it’s really frustrating me right now.

i want this blog to “go somewhere” and “be something” but i’m not sure what that “something” is yet… or not sure how to go about getting there. i’m just plain old not sure. and i don’t like not being sure. it’s scary.

this call that i had yesterday from johns hopkins ended up making me feel like i had been dooped. i started receiving emails from their communications department a few weeks ago, expressing interest in our story, our blog, our son. i was stoked. didn’t want to be too stoked, but c’mon, when you put something out there like this and get a response, you get stoked.

so i spoke with this woman yesterday, finally making human contact regarding our story and what we can do with it to help others… or so i thought. basically what they want is to consult with me and two other families (who have done something similar to what i have done) on blogging.

WHUT?!

instead of asking me about jackson and his current status, (ill. not ill. puking. not puking.) she asked me about my friggin blog design. she wanted to know how my blog started and where i’m going with it.

I DON’T KNOW LADY!

and then she wanted to know if i would consider consulting with them on a hopkins blog, which (in her defense) could potentially be a good thing. if this is a project that links parents together as a support system/community, then cool, sign me up. if this is just a bullshit way of expressing interest in my child in order to get me to “create” a blog for you, then leave me alone. i have a sometimes-puking child to take care of.

which brings me back to my original point, i don’t know what i’m doing with this. i don’t know where this is going or where i want it to go.

I WANT TO CONNECT.

I WANT TO HAVE A VOICE. and yes, it would be nice if that voice were heard.

but i don’t want to be messed with, especially when it comes to my son.