Don’t hate. Just don’t.
I’ve recently received some hate mail from people who have accused me of being “too rigid and structured” with the schedule that I have for the magoo. Apparently I am an “uptight” mother who is “unwilling to be flexible.”
I miss out on activities, gatherings, playgroups, etc. because I am a prisoner to the schedule I set for my son.
Awesome. Thanks.
Supposedly the pictures that I have of Jackson on my website are encouraging to people. Seeing Jackson is encouraging to people. He “looks good,” and “healthy.” To that, I say “yes, he is.” We’re in a very good place with his feedings right now.
But how the hell do you think we got there? To this point we’re at now. How?
How do you think we, Paul and I, figured out HOW to get our child healthy, nourished, and looking “good,”???
Answer: We found what works for him.
Jackson needs schedule, order, routine, consistency in order to eat. This means he needs scheduled naps with a sound machine on, in a darkened room so that he sleeps. When he sleeps well, he eats well.
Imagine that!
He is not one who can fall asleep anywhere, like my sweet stranger friend‘s precious Maddy can do… I am waiting for the day when Matt and Maddy travel to DC and Maddy can teach Jackson how to fall asleep anywhere. (hint, hint, nudge, nudge Matt).
Jackson is also not one who can eat anywhere or anything from just anyone. If he doesn’t know you, he will not take his bottle from you. If his sound machine is not on during his bottle feeds, he will not take his bottle from you. If you don’t distract him with toys or some sort of entertainment while he eats in his highchair, he’ll scream to get out and refuse that meal.
My son has taught me this about him over the last 14 months.
I know what works for my son.
Do I miss out occasionally on things due to the fact that I don’t have the luxury of being flexible with my child? Yes. Does it bother me? No. I’d rather have my son look like this
and be healthy… than this
and not.
The saddest part about this, to me, is the fact that I’m even writing this stupid post… justifying myself to these people… as if I need to explain how or why I raise my son the way I do.
But I’m pissed. I’m angry… infuriated even. I’m pissed that this hate is coming from mothers…
I’m pissed that mothers judge other mothers.
And I’m pissed that people don’t just frickin ask me “how’s Jackson doing?” or “how are his feedings going now?” and just assume that our “issues are over.”
So here I am. Addressing this issue of my own, and telling you that you have no right. You have no right to judge me, or assume to know squat about what Paul and I have been through with our son… or the battle we have fought and continue to fight in order for him to eat.
Don’t tell me I’m not flexible when I have twisted myself into the shape of a pretzel for my son.
How dare you.
64 Responses to “Don’t hate. Just don’t.”
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twice...
Go get ‘em, girl. I HATE being judged for even the smallest part of my routine with my sons. Yep, I bring them home for naps. I know what works for them, I know what throws them off. I also know that when I am in my own comfort zone, I’m a better and calmer mother to them. Sometimes that means not exposing them to situations that I find dangerous, etc.
You do your thang, lady.
Awww…sweetie. I feel your pain. I too have missed stuff because it was too much effort to put together a special meal for V or the fact only sleeps in her crib and must have her scheduled (her schedule not mine) nap.
And I think that’s the key. This isn’t some wacko schedule you’ve arbitrarily created for him. This is what he’s told you and you listed. That doesn’t make you anything but a great mom.
People who have easy kids, who have never had their kids in the hospital for dehydration because they wouldn’t eat, just don’t get it. Don’t understand the frustration, the worry, the hours spent agonizing on how to fix it.
But you have fixed it the best you can. One look at Magoo and you can see how healthy he is. And if it takes schedules and routines and standing on your head while reciting the alphabet backwards then that’s what you do. And be so proud of yourself while doing it, because your son is thriving and that’s all that matters.
I often wonder why Mom’s are so hard on other Mom’s. We don’t bring my son to church. His autism just won’t allow it yet…crowds, noise, singing/music, unfamiliar territory. So Jim and I take turns, every other week, bringing the girls while the other stays home with Sam. We’ve explained it a million times, but still I get “Just bring him, we can take it”! Like I am worried about whether or not THEY can handle it. I think I’m a bit more concerned about what he can handle, folks! One woman actually had the balls to suggest I was jeopardizing his “spiritual well being”! Refraining from smacking her, I had to explain that all I can care about right now is his general well being. And I think its a shame that I had to explain that, and that you have to explain what you do for your son. I understand your anger, and I agree “How dare they”!
WTH? Where would someone get off having an opinion period about the routine you have for your son? So you are taking great care of your kid and he is thriving, and this is a problem, how? Other mothers can the most judgmental when it comes to child rearing. My last post was about something similar, the I nevers…
People who will never do certain things when it comes to parenting. And feel the need to throw their ideas on you. Like never letting a child disrupt their plans. Do what works for you and screw everyone else.
oh and btw to those who caused this post, 14 month olds dont care if they miss play group!
I’m pissed with you. No one has the right to judge you- NO ONE!
Quite frankly, I applaud you for what you’re doing and have done with your little cutie pie. You and Paul have obviously done a fantastic job and are still doing so. You are doing what is BEST for YOUR child… and that is what a good parent does!!
Screw anyone who thinks otherwise.
My sister is going through a similar thing with her daughter. She’s on a feeding tube now due to an abnormal swallow study. I was scared to death the first time I stayed with her and had to feed her. It was a piece of cake. Her daughter has just adapted to this so easily…and why? Because my sister has a rather strict schedule…and it works. I can pick on her for her color coded schedule, but it works. Without fail, she has happy children, even when they aren’t exactly healthy. That’s very important. We can’t judge others, EVER. We don’t know their story, even when we’re close to them. We don’t know what goes on in their mind, in their homes and in their hearts. I find myself thinking more and more…live and let live.
Despite what I said on Twitter, you didn’t hit publish too soon. Your editing skills are just fine.
I always wanted to have easy kids. I wanted to be the dad who would take the kids anywhere, anytime. It’s cool. They’ll be fine. And relative to many, certainly relative to to Magoo, our kids are easy. But they still need structure. They need routine. I can disrupt that routine, but we all pay the price for it sooner or later. And every parent has to decide what price is too high to pay. Clearly your son’s health and well being are not something you’re willing to sacrifice for your (or your “friends’” convenience). Nor should anyone compel you to.
You know what he needs. You know what you need to do. And you’re doing it. You don’t need to justify anything to anyone. You don’t owe them an explanation.
My advice, you reply with “Thanks for your input.”
the end.
I do think moms can be VERY judgmental of one another. It’s something I struggle with on occasion myself, actually. But I remind myself that the vast majority of mothers do what works best for their children and that we’re alike in that way.
I’m very fortunate that, at this point, Maia will eat & sleep almost anywhere. But if she didn’t, if she needed routine (or if she grows to need a routine), I’d bend over backwards to accommodate her.
You do what works for your family, and that’s laudable
Anyone who thinks otherwise can go jump off a bridge!
Ah I am so sorry.. That people especially other mommies have hated so much on you. Your little Magoo is so sweet and adorable. And he looks so happy and healthy.
My kids are very unscheduled but that is what works for us. And I get all the time you need to have them on a schedule etc. But again we do what works for us… I think so many people forget that you have to do what is right for you family and what works for one does not work for another.
Keep up the good work and you are a great mom!
Nic,
Ignore those assholes. Who cares what some stranger thinks about how your raise your kid. Look at him. He’s beautiful, happy and healthy. That’s because of you, not despite you.
Every single child is different. What works for Magoo might not work for my kid, or any other kid. What works for Ava, well, another kid might go batshit crazy with. I always cringe when I hear “you should”. Nobody knows your kid like you do. Keep on doing what you’re doing. It is obviously working.
I have given my husband strict orders, if we are ever blessed with grandchildren. If I EVER look like I’m about to dole out that kind of advice, he is to junk punch me.
Big hugs!! xoxoxoxo
My dear, your child is beautiful (take my breath away beautiful) and obviously thriving. THAT is a testament to you and, in the end, is all that really matters. You’re doing a wonderful job.
Are you kidding me? People actually WROTE to you to say that you have too much structure? I mean, I am totally gobsmacked right now. What losers those people are.
I have two children. My daughter is now just 11 and she is my “structured” child. It’s her innate personality. She needs sameness, routine, predictability or she is no good to anyone, least of all herself. She has been like this since DAY ONE. SHE DOES NOT DO WELL WITH CHANGE. Well, hello? We handled it just like you do, routine feedings, same music, same chair, same predictable events. We need to give her warning if ANYTHING is going to change and she is a healthy, well balanced happy child. My son – the opposite. Slept anywhere as a baby, eats anything, nothing bothers him. Will sleep away from home with no problem, will take on new challenges without batting an eyelid. We deal with him accordingly as he really doesn’t do well with the structure that she does.
What’s been great over the years is that the structure we do have (ie feeding, bedtime, routines) have only served us well as parents. Our children know when it is adult time. They thrive on it.
Again, not that we need to justify anything to anyone – least of all you with that beautiful child – but I get enraged when people critisise other parents – I JUST DON”T GET IT. Obviously there is envy at the core there – they probably envy the fact that you DO have such a healthy, happy and well adjusted boy.
Just keep on doing what you do and most of all, keep on LOVING him. Structure gives children security. I am a teacher too and I know this for a fact. The need and thrive on LIMITS. They are all different, but essentially then need grownups to be their moderators.
You are an awesome mother and let the naysayers go find something else to do!
And you’re damn funny too – LOL!
Tricia (irishsamom)
Nic -
While not a mother, I do regularly check your blog for updates about how Jackson is doing. Plus, I love that you don’t apologize for anything – I love it that you’re so bold and out there with things! I have had so many mom friends critized for how/what they do. IT SUCKS! You go for reminding people that you’re the mother and have figured out what works for you son! I mean, come on, haven’t you been through enough trying to figure it out and then getting critizied for it is just WRONG! Stick to your guns with what works. Jackson is just precious in his pictures and you’re doing great!
Get ‘em Nic. I just love it when people think they are so freaking perfect. You are amazing – that much is evident. And that child is too beautiful for words. (He reminds me a lot of Brian – I guess I’m biased!)
Your babe is adorable. I’m not keen on the whole mothers judging mothers thing either. You would think of any group, it would be the moms that understand what we others go through. Ignore the haters – clearly what you are doing works for you and your family. All the best!!
Your babe is adorable. I’m not keen on the whole mothers judging mothers thing either. You would think of any group, it would be the moms that understand what we others go through. Ignore the haters – clearly what you are doing works for you and your family. All the best!!
Your babe is adorable. I’m not keen on the whole mothers judging mothers thing either. You would think of any group, it would be the moms that understand what we others go through. Ignore the haters – clearly what you are doing works for you and your family. All the best!!
Your babe is adorable. I’m not keen on the whole mothers judging mothers thing either. You would think of any group, it would be the moms that understand what we others go through. Ignore the haters – clearly what you are doing works for you and your family. All the best!!
Your babe is adorable. I’m not keen on the whole mothers judging mothers thing either. You would think of any group, it would be the moms that understand what we others go through. Ignore the haters – clearly what you are doing works for you and your family. All the best!!
Your babe is adorable. I’m not keen on the whole mothers judging mothers thing either. You would think of any group, it would be the moms that understand what we others go through. Ignore the haters – clearly what you are doing works for you and your family. All the best!!
Your babe is adorable. I’m not keen on the whole mothers judging mothers thing either. You would think of any group, it would be the moms that understand what we others go through. Ignore the haters – clearly what you are doing works for you and your family. All the best!!
Your babe is adorable. I’m not keen on the whole mothers judging mothers thing either. You would think of any group, it would be the moms that understand what we others go through. Ignore the haters – clearly what you are doing works for you and your family. All the best!!
Your babe is adorable. I’m not keen on the whole mothers judging mothers thing either. You would think of any group, it would be the moms that understand what we others go through. Ignore the haters – clearly what you are doing works for you and your family. All the best!!
Your babe is adorable. I’m not keen on the whole mothers judging mothers thing either. You would think of any group, it would be the moms that understand what we others go through. Ignore the haters – clearly what you are doing works for you and your family. All the best!!
Your babe is adorable. I’m not keen on the whole mothers judging mothers thing either. You would think of any group, it would be the moms that understand what we others go through. Ignore the haters – clearly what you are doing works for you and your family. All the best!!
Your babe is adorable. I’m not keen on the whole mothers judging mothers thing either. You would think of any group, it would be the moms that understand what we others go through. Ignore the haters – clearly what you are doing works for you and your family. All the best!!
Your babe is adorable. I’m not keen on the whole mothers judging mothers thing either. You would think of any group, it would be the moms that understand what we others go through. Ignore the haters – clearly what you are doing works for you and your family. All the best!!
Your babe is adorable. I’m not keen on the whole mothers judging mothers thing either. You would think of any group, it would be the moms that understand what we others go through. Ignore the haters – clearly what you are doing works for you and your family. All the best!!
Your babe is adorable. I’m not keen on the whole mothers judging mothers thing either. You would think of any group, it would be the moms that understand what we others go through. Ignore the haters – clearly what you are doing works for you and your family. All the best!!
Your babe is adorable. I’m not keen on the whole mothers judging mothers thing either. You would think of any group, it would be the moms that understand what we others go through. Ignore the haters – clearly what you are doing works for you and your family. All the best!!
Your babe is adorable. I’m not keen on the whole mothers judging mothers thing either. You would think of any group, it would be the moms that understand what we others go through. Ignore the haters – clearly what you are doing works for you and your family. All the best!!
Your babe is adorable. I’m not keen on the whole mothers judging mothers thing either. You would think of any group, it would be the moms that understand what we others go through. Ignore the haters – clearly what you are doing works for you and your family. All the best!!
Your babe is adorable. I’m not keen on the whole mothers judging mothers thing either. You would think of any group, it would be the moms that understand what we others go through. Ignore the haters – clearly what you are doing works for you and your family. All the best!!
Your babe is adorable. I’m not keen on the whole mothers judging mothers thing either. You would think of any group, it would be the moms that understand what we others go through. Ignore the haters – clearly what you are doing works for you and your family. All the best!!
Your babe is adorable. I’m not keen on the whole mothers judging mothers thing either. You would think of any group, it would be the moms that understand what we others go through. Ignore the haters – clearly what you are doing works for you and your family. All the best!!
Your babe is adorable. I’m not keen on the whole mothers judging mothers thing either. You would think of any group, it would be the moms that understand what we others go through. Ignore the haters – clearly what you are doing works for you and your family. All the best!!
Your babe is adorable. I’m not keen on the whole mothers judging mothers thing either. You would think of any group, it would be the moms that understand what we others go through. Ignore the haters – clearly what you are doing works for you and your family. All the best!!
Your babe is adorable. I’m not keen on the whole mothers judging mothers thing either. You would think of any group, it would be the moms that understand what we others go through. Ignore the haters – clearly what you are doing works for you and your family. All the best!!
Your babe is adorable. I’m not keen on the whole mothers judging mothers thing either. You would think of any group, it would be the moms that understand what we others go through. Ignore the haters – clearly what you are doing works for you and your family. All the best!!
Your babe is adorable. I’m not keen on the whole mothers judging mothers thing either. You would think of any group, it would be the moms that understand what we others go through. Ignore the haters – clearly what you are doing works for you and your family. All the best!!
Your babe is adorable. I’m not keen on the whole mothers judging mothers thing either. You would think of any group, it would be the moms that understand what we others go through. Ignore the haters – clearly what you are doing works for you and your family. All the best!!
Your babe is adorable. I’m not keen on the whole mothers judging mothers thing either. You would think of any group, it would be the moms that understand what we others go through. Ignore the haters – clearly what you are doing works for you and your family. All the best!!
Your babe is adorable. I’m not keen on the whole mothers judging mothers thing either. You would think of any group, it would be the moms that understand what we others go through. Ignore the haters – clearly what you are doing works for you and your family. All the best!!
Your babe is adorable. I’m not keen on the whole mothers judging mothers thing either. You would think of any group, it would be the moms that understand what we others go through. Ignore the haters – clearly what you are doing works for you and your family. All the best!!
I absolutely hate when other mothers judge, knock, bash other mothers for their parenting style. Just fricking makes me so mad.
My daughter is totally a schedule, structure type kid. I learned this very early on from her and have kept to her schedule ever since. As her needs changed so did the schedule. I don’t care if we miss out on a few things because they interfere with her bed time or nap time (and neither does she!).
Last summer my mother-in-law was talking to a friend of hers on the phone explaining why they couldn’t come over at 9pm to see the baby “she has her on a very strict schedule” I over heard her say. My response “it is not my schedule it is her schedule and I am not going to mess with my happy baby just so your friends can see her. If they want to see her so bad they can come over before her bedtime of 7pm” I got quite the look, but I wasn’t about to let her start judging my parenting.
Your little guy is gorgeous and so obviously well taken care. Good for you for sticking up for yourself, I’m just sorry anyone put you in the position to have to do it in the first place.
Nic seriously I could freaking tell you EXACTLY what my kid will be doing any and everyday at a certain time. We are THAT structured. Because he told me too. Sure I would LOVE to have a late lunch and do some shopping, but that is not in the cards. My kid eats at the same time everyday, sleeps from 1-4, and so on. We don’t mess with it. He doesn’t just sleep anywhere, he doesn’t just eat anywhere. Guess what though, he is HAPPY. Go figure. I practically have to put on a freaking circus act to get him to eat, but I do it. I will do anything to see him happy and healthy. And if some other mother who flies bye the seat of her pants doesn’t like it then she should be glad that in this life we are all allowed our differences.
Someone hating on you for your schedule with your kid in INSANE ok. My mother starts in with that “you gotta be more flexable” shit EVERYTIME she’s here. BUT I don’t have to, I just have to do right by my kid, and no one knows what that is better than ME.
Keep on keepin’ on and let the haters hate, because in the end our kids health and happiness is all that matters.
Hi~
I am new to your blog and felt the need to put my two cents in. I have a one year old beautiful little girl named Nataly. Every person we come in contact with says that she is a very easy baby and is always so happy, well this is because she has a schedule that we have stuck to since day one. She knows what is coming next. There are NO surprises in her day. If I am so inclined to go someplace, I will do it around Nataly’s schedule because that is what is best for her. I am sorry that some other mother is making you feel this way. I may not agree with how a few of my friends are raising their children, but it is none of my buiness and none of theirs what I chose to do with MY child. Nataly is a wonderful baby and she is really easy. But I think that is because of the schedule not despite it.
Good luck to you! I raise my glass in a toast to all the mommy’s out there who are just doing what is write for their baby’s!
I will keep reading!
ahh crap I meant “right” not write. I am a dumbass! haha
Judgment. Why do we do it? All of us. I don’t think any mother is exempt. Although it certainly sounds like your case is one of extremes. I hate it when I get THOSE looks from other women, most of whom I presume are mothers whose children were, at least at one time, young! The implications are always negative. And I always go in to defensive mode. But why??? Why can’t we all just trust each other. Trust that we mothers are doing the best we can do FOR OUR CHILDREN. Ag. This is such a peeve of mine. And what Sarah and I always are talking about. You are doing right for your child and your family. And LOOK AT THAT BOY! So beautiful!
I can’t stand when people do that – just judge you when they have no clue what it is like to have a child that has a special need, feeding issue, or behavioral issue. You do what you have to do to get your child healthy, for your own self to be healthy and screw what other people thing. You are doing what is best for your son and that makes you a good mother.