Archive for June, 2009

 

 

 

 

 

more to come…  stay tuned…

wait, today is friday, right?

i haven’t showered since wednesday.

we leave for a week in florida tomorrow.  family reunion.  nuff said.

did i pack underwear?

did i pack at all?

i think that’s a half-eaten strawberry on my tshirt.

i have no bra on…  come to think of it, have i even brushed my teeth?

i hear the magoo on the monitor.

obviously he’s chosen not to nap.  awesome.

it’s only 1:27 pm.

paul’s work schedule has been insane and thru weekends for the last 2 wks so we could vacay next wk.

thank you, my love.

i’m stoked about a new project with a great friend.

my cousin’s little man and the magoo get to meet for the first time!

i need to pack more diapers.

where’s my camera chord?  dammit why do i always misplace the chord?!

my hair feels greasy.  

i should be showering instead of writing this post.

tuesday i get to see these two mom blogging lovelies… of whom i have never met but i “know.”

i think magoo passed out.  

the pedicure i got last week has already chipped.

need to get back to work before he wakes up again…  

new project = very cool.  will launch tonight!  scratch that… launched NOW!

pitched a piece for a dear friend to killer company.  could be really good for her.

karma = good.

My Bottle’s Up! has gotten 6 x the amount of traffic than it had just 2 months ago.  unreal.

my college roommate eloped…  in vegas…  7 months ago…  and told everyone last night.  amazing.

i booked a cruise for my brother and i next month as his college grad gift.  radness.

i need to pee.

can’t forget to pack magoo’s trucks.

red smells…  not good.

my friend’s 8 month old daughter’s squishy thighs make my uterus want to house another bebe…

good god no!  bad idea.

i get to see all my cousins this week…  and they’re all skinny as rails… even the one who has a baby.  not fair.

what do i do if jackson eats sand?

i can’t wait to hug my family.

i just farted.

paul farts a lot… more than i anticipated when we got married almost 5 years ago.

farts are funny.

red always smells like farts.

i hope the magoo doesn’t shit while we’re on the airplane tomorrow.

he did that last time.  not cool.

i’m hungry.  again.

 

 

 

 

 

i’ve been feeling really overwhelmed lately.  just lots going on all at once… and ALL NEEDING MY IMMEDIATE ATTENTION.  and it gets piled on and piled on and then the pile gets higher and higher…  and at this very moment, my pile is too high.  so typically i would prioritize and just work my way down the list of things to get done.  except this time is different; i have multiple lists…  in fact, i have lists reminding myself to list something on my list.  

parenting lately is overwhelming me.  jackson, right now, is overwhelming me.  juggling married life with a baby is overwhelming me.  money issues are overwhelming me.  we leave saturday for a week at the beach for a family reunion, and just preparing for the travel is overwhelming me.   

i’m overwhelmed.  yet still trying to breathe.

i promise, i’m going somewhere with this…

so i was talking with a friend of mine the other day about how i am feeling overwhelmed.  eventually our conversation turned to medication, and it dawned on me that no matter who i have discussions with regarding stress or feeling overwhelmed,9 times out of 10 medication creeps into the conversation.  more specifically, anti-anxiety medication.

so my next step was to go twitter with it…  that’s right, i went all out there and had KILLER conversations this morning with strangers friends about meds, anti-anxiety meds, why, why not, and everything in between.  the responses i have gotten today have been overwhelming (damnit there’s that word again) and the candor is remarkable.  

my first thought was to go about this post all researchy about it…  anti-anxiety meds.  what one’s options are… side effects… stats on who uses them (particularly parents and new parents)… etc.

screw that.

so, i’m going open forum on y’all… i’m putting this post out in the hopes of continuing some incredible conversation, gaining insight and perspective and support, because apparently this whole parenting thing is really hard.

so, post a comment if you so desire with your story, with info, with links, anonymously if you prefer, layin’ it all out there if you prefer.  if you want to stay anonymous, please feel free to do, or you can always email me.

are you pro-meds? anti-meds? why/why not? what’s your experience like with/without? do you think you should be taking something but don’t for whatever reason?

consider the forum open…  it’s all you!  and it’s all appreciated.  one thing i am learning about all of this is that it’s something that is perhaps not discussed enough.  of course please be respectful.  there are some incredible people out there with incredible things to say.    

so….  ”twalk amongst yoselves…”

i didn’t grow up eating hotdogs with macaroni and cheese… like mixed in… together. i don’t like mixing my foods, but that’s an entirely other subject. paul, on the other hand, considers this meal a “white house regular” (no not THE WHITE HOUSE as in obama, but white house as in our last name is white. ps- don’t google me, i’m not exciting). anyway, so paul like grew up on this stuff.

here’s how tonight’s dinner convo went…

nic: “shit, i forgot to defrost the chicken this morning. can i do it quickly?”

paul: “sure, soak it in hot water.”

(nic places packaged chicken breasts (yes, jason, i just said “breasts”) in hot water and waits 15 minutes. thinks their done. takes them out of package, turns them over. they’re NOT done. NOT AT ALL. totally frozen. defrost method = FAIL).

nic: “um we have no veggies either. we have mac ‘n cheese. i wanted to make blue cheese cole slaw but the cole slaw looks old and nasty. we have no veggie.”

paul: “then we eat without a veggie.”

(ah, so simple to be a man….)

as for me, i was raised in a household where something green always needs to be on the plate. always. so with this dilemma, i stressed instantly.   i mean it’s just a meal.  we could’ve ordered a pizza, but we did that a few nights ago… we could’ve ordered chinese, but we did that a few nights before that.

i digress…

hot dogs cut up and mixed in with mac ‘n cheese… entirely new concept for me.

i mean, trust me, i lurve me a good dog. one that takes up the entire length of the bun, plump, ready to explode with whateverthehell it’s made out of, topped with a slice of kraft american cheese, and ketchup.

so paul launched himself in to “fix it” mode and made dinner tonight. FANTASTIC!

fear not, dear readers…  as always, we kept it classy with the beverage.  as we ate our meal fit for a king, of hot dogs and mac ‘n cheese, we sipped on jan de lichte “an imperial style belgian white ale brewed with spices.”

and i can honestly say i enjoyed my hot dogs with mac ‘n cheese (we used velveeta).  ya got your meat (sort of…  is it really  meat?)  and you got your dairy…  (sort of… is it really dairy in that cheese?)  so your food groups are somewhat covered, which means…..

we fed it to the magoo…  cuz we’re all about the organic shit in this household…

whatever dudes…  he ate it.  that’s all that matters!!!

 

and he wanted more…

Everyone has one… some have more than others. But stories put everyone on an even playing field. We all have stories of joy, stories of sorrow. Pain. Love. Pee-in-your-pants laughter. Cry-til-you-vomit breathlessness and hurt.

We choose who we share our stories with, who we allow into our little worlds. We choose who gets to know us at our best and our worst.

And I have been meaning to post this for a long time. I have been meaning to write about this for a long time. But writing one’s story, even pieces of one’s story, is not an easy task.

So I waited… until the time was right… until my muse sang in my ear… until I felt strong, brave, stable, ready.

And I am.

I have tattoos. I love my tattoos. I have three (well, four but the fourth was an addition to the third so I guess that counts as one).

In the middle of the sun tattoo is the first tattoo I ever got; a Chinese symbol that means “to seek.”

I was a sophomore in college, at Auburn University, and months into my recovery process and healing after having been raped.

I am a rape survivor.

What specifically took place to me on the night of September 26, 2000 is not something I am willing to share here, yet. But the fact that I am a rape survivor is.

At that time in my life, I was seeking something, anything, everything… and I found it in the form of a small Chinese symbol etched with an ink-filled needle into the small of my back.

That’s how this story began… and since September of 2000, it has grown, spread, and taken on an identity all its own.

And I am proud.

As my healing continued, so did my love of expression… Self expression. I learned to love my Self again. The love of my life still loved me for my Self, visible/invisible scars and all.

And so years after my own rape, when I worked as a rape victim advocate, I embraced the true survivor in me and got this tattoo…

It is fitting and now almost laughable that “Self” is my maiden name. I promise; it is. I grew up with the “ooohhh, Nicole loves her SELF” jokes as a child.

During a time when I was newly married, having just taken Paul’s last name, I also found myself encouraged, strong, and empowered in a new way.

I went back to my roots. I needed my maiden name on my wrist… my pulse… because at my core, that’s who I am. I am a Self. A self provider, a self lover, a self seeker, looking to affirm one self, my self…

The color that fills “Self” on this wrist tattoo of mine is teal, the nationally recognized color of rape survivors. I love the color, now. It’s beautiful, now… almost 9 years later.

My story, that portion of my story I should say, left its mark on Paul over time. We had been married a few years and he too loves his name, his middle name… Dempsey. It’s a family name, passed down. Strong. Masculine. Proud. And so he chose to express himself and his love of family by tattooing “Dempsey” in Gaelic on the inside of his left bicep. It suits him well.

If you have tattoos yourself, you know that its addicting… it’s like this itch that is never quite satisfied. The itch that you can’t quite reach no matter how much you stretch your arm behind your back and reeeeaaaach to scratch. You kinda get it, it goes away for a bit, and then the itch creeps back.

So the day that Paul got his “Dempsey” tattoo, I asked our tattoo artist (who became a friend) to draw the sun around my Chinese symbol.

I hadn’t thought it through. We went to our tattoo artist/friend with the intention of Paul getting his tattoo… but within minutes of being there, hearing the buzz of the needles, seeing the tubes of Vaseline and strips of gauze, my itch came back.

I love the sun, the light, the warmth. I love when the sun surprises me behind a cloud, poking out to say “hello.” I love that it brings out the freckles I have on my nose. And I love that the sun lights up the darkest parts of my life.

And then comes Jackson… my SON… my SUN. My joy. My strength. My light. My love. And so it was only fitting that his name and birth date be etched in ink on my other wrist, my other pulse.

Because once upon a time, our hearts beat together.

And so that’s where my story in ink ends… begins…

A story is a work of art.

thanks to the fantastically funny and fabulously blog savvy maria, i was given this super sweet yet super lame looking award.  i’m pretty sure maria had it right when she too received this award and said, “I’m not sure what the merit of a teacup full of roses is. Personally, I’d offer you a shot of Patron, sea salt, and a freshly cut lime.”  of course you all know what i would offer…  (hint: it would not involve a tea cup nor a shot glass).

so, without further adieu, i share the rules and blog love…

The rules:

1) Accept the award, post it on your blog together with the name of the person who has granted the award, and his or her blog link.

2) Pass the award to other blogs that you’ve newly discovered. Remember to contact the bloggers to let them know they have been chosen for this award.

my newly discovered lovely blogs worthy of opening a bottle of wine and perusing include…

• sarah and jen: two incredible sisters whose blog Momalom makes me wish i had a sister.  they share everything from stories about their kids to kegel exercises, all while keeping a smile on their face.  surely they will put one on your’s.  i suggest you check in with them regularly as they are currently undergoing web construction as my site was just a few short weeks ago.  i have a feeling A LOT of good is in store for these ladies…  
• amy is a long-time friend of mine whose husband was one of paul’s roommates at USNA.  amy’s training blog is not new to me, so maybe i’m cheating on this one a bit.  nevertheless, i find it to be lovely as she is always inspiring me to write better, run better, and just be an all-around better person.  the workouts she posts will kick your ass; and it should be known that she has been told she has better abs than University of Florida’s quarterback tim tebow.  yeah, that’s what i thought you’d say.
• another sara keeps her blog Tom the girl honest and hilarious, not to mention she has become one of my fave internet winos.  sharing beautiful stories, photos, and letters to her precious little girl, chloe, i find that my uterus does flip flops wanting to one day house a daughter when i read what she posts.
• kellee‘s blog the (not so) small things is my photography heroin.  to be completely honest, the shots she takes leave me with goose-bumps every single time i look at her blog.  she’s quirky and funny and rad.  and i kinda wanna make out with her.