stories
Everyone has one… some have more than others. But stories put everyone on an even playing field. We all have stories of joy, stories of sorrow. Pain. Love. Pee-in-your-pants laughter. Cry-til-you-vomit breathlessness and hurt.
We choose who we share our stories with, who we allow into our little worlds. We choose who gets to know us at our best and our worst.
And I have been meaning to post this for a long time. I have been meaning to write about this for a long time. But writing one’s story, even pieces of one’s story, is not an easy task.
So I waited… until the time was right… until my muse sang in my ear… until I felt strong, brave, stable, ready.
And I am.
I have tattoos. I love my tattoos. I have three (well, four but the fourth was an addition to the third so I guess that counts as one).
In the middle of the sun tattoo is the first tattoo I ever got; a Chinese symbol that means “to seek.”
I was a sophomore in college, at Auburn University, and months into my recovery process and healing after having been raped.
I am a rape survivor.
What specifically took place to me on the night of September 26, 2000 is not something I am willing to share here, yet. But the fact that I am a rape survivor is.
At that time in my life, I was seeking something, anything, everything… and I found it in the form of a small Chinese symbol etched with an ink-filled needle into the small of my back.
That’s how this story began… and since September of 2000, it has grown, spread, and taken on an identity all its own.
And I am proud.
As my healing continued, so did my love of expression… Self expression. I learned to love my Self again. The love of my life still loved me for my Self, visible/invisible scars and all.
And so years after my own rape, when I worked as a rape victim advocate, I embraced the true survivor in me and got this tattoo…
It is fitting and now almost laughable that “Self” is my maiden name. I promise; it is. I grew up with the “ooohhh, Nicole loves her SELF” jokes as a child.
During a time when I was newly married, having just taken Paul’s last name, I also found myself encouraged, strong, and empowered in a new way.
I went back to my roots. I needed my maiden name on my wrist… my pulse… because at my core, that’s who I am. I am a Self. A self provider, a self lover, a self seeker, looking to affirm one self, my self…
The color that fills “Self” on this wrist tattoo of mine is teal, the nationally recognized color of rape survivors. I love the color, now. It’s beautiful, now… almost 9 years later.
My story, that portion of my story I should say, left its mark on Paul over time. We had been married a few years and he too loves his name, his middle name… Dempsey. It’s a family name, passed down. Strong. Masculine. Proud. And so he chose to express himself and his love of family by tattooing “Dempsey” in Gaelic on the inside of his left bicep. It suits him well.
If you have tattoos yourself, you know that its addicting… it’s like this itch that is never quite satisfied. The itch that you can’t quite reach no matter how much you stretch your arm behind your back and reeeeaaaach to scratch. You kinda get it, it goes away for a bit, and then the itch creeps back.
So the day that Paul got his “Dempsey” tattoo, I asked our tattoo artist (who became a friend) to draw the sun around my Chinese symbol.
I hadn’t thought it through. We went to our tattoo artist/friend with the intention of Paul getting his tattoo… but within minutes of being there, hearing the buzz of the needles, seeing the tubes of Vaseline and strips of gauze, my itch came back.
I love the sun, the light, the warmth. I love when the sun surprises me behind a cloud, poking out to say “hello.” I love that it brings out the freckles I have on my nose. And I love that the sun lights up the darkest parts of my life.
And then comes Jackson… my SON… my SUN. My joy. My strength. My light. My love. And so it was only fitting that his name and birth date be etched in ink on my other wrist, my other pulse.
Because once upon a time, our hearts beat together.
And so that’s where my story in ink ends… begins…
A story is a work of art.
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That is wonderful. Thank you for being brave enough to share.
Wow, Nicole. That was a very brave thing to share. You are such a strong soul. It makes me adore you even more to know that this personality I find so endearing is so strong to have survived so much. You are obviously a survivor. I have always had very mixed feelings about tattoos. Actually, not even that mixed… I mostly don’t like them. But yours make sense. They have a purpose. It’s not like you had a tweetie bird inked on your ass that will seem ridiculous in twenty years. I just love you that much more after having read this. Thank you for trusting us to share. <3
Hi,
You are so brave to write this. You are a true survivor and thank you for sharing your story. I really like your tattoos and you are right they are an itch that won’t quite go away…
thanks, Jodee =-)
That is a beautiful post and I think you are very strong. I love your ink, and the placement of it! Thanks so much for sharing.
I’m a tattoed girl myself (I have 8? 9? a lot) and they each have their own story – which is why I got them. Not just in their meaning, but the story of getting them too.
Fantastic and touching story. Thanks for sharing.
Oh Nic, they are beautiful. YOU are beautiful.
I’m so proud of you for sharing this story here. Your writing is so clear and bright.
Do you read Violence Unsilenced? It might be a good place for you to speak, when you are ready.
*HUG*
This is really beautiful. You’re so strong! The line “Because once upon a time, our hearts beat together.” made me tear up.
I’ve known ever since I got pregnant that I wanted to get a tattoo to honour the baby, but I couldn’t figure out where. I love the idea of putting it on my inner wrist, like you.
Thank you for having the courage to share this.
This post is amazing. Just…amazing.
Not sure what to say, but couldn’t say nothing at all. You’re bravery astounds me and I am so glad you had the strength to share.
They are beautiful, I love the meaning behind them all. I have been wanting to get one for some time, but haven’t figured it out yet. Plus I am afraid of pain.
I admire you for being such a strong survivor and supporter of other survivors. You are an inspiration.
(((HUGS)))
You’re so brave to share this with us. It’s beautiful to see so much meaning behind the art you wear, and not just to hear that it was all done on a whim.
i am overwhelmed with all of your comments and support. completely overwhelmed… and grateful.
thank you.
Oh girlie, just when i think you can’t get any better, you do. =) I knew there was something special about you (other than our common drunken bond)…and now I know what it is. You are one of those amazing people who have the strength of a million, but keep that knowledge to yourself (like superman). I love your tattoos, and I love you even more.
hearts
You are so beautiful. Well done, hon.
You are incredible, brave and strong in yourself. Thank you for sharing something that must be very painful to share. But, it tells me that you are the strong and brave woman that your tattoes represent. You are seeking a solution to the pain of that event and healing others by talking about it. That is amazing. I think the self tattoo is an incredible symbol of hope and every woman should have it engraved, to remind them that things need to start with the self, in order to grow in this life.
Yes, you are so right, we all have stories and that’s what make us who we are. Woman are warriors too – they fight for and defend each other and this reminded me that we need to stand together.
Thanks for sharing it all – maybe you’ll inspire me to find a symbol for my growth and story and journey. : )
This entry is so compelling. Your strength astounds me.
Thank you for sharing.
ps- I’m “somewhat new” to your blog and I like reading your entries.
it makes workday go fast.
And the tattoos are beautiful. Even moreso that there is a deep meaning to it.
I read this entry last night and have come back to read it again. I hope you know what an inspiration you are, Nic. Thanks for having the balls to share what you have.
You are such a strong, wonderful woman. Thank you for sharing that part of your story. It was unbelievable brave of you to write that. I feel I am better for having “known” you, even in a small way.
beautiful tattoos and a beautiful story.
what a strong and brave woman you are! your post brought tears to my eyes.
Your tattoos are absolutely fab–I LOVE THEM! You are inspiring me to get more. And thanks for sharing your story. You’re a strong and amazing woman and an awesome Mom.
Thank you for sharing even a part of your story. I’m a survivor too. An inked one at that. Still getting to the point where I can share more than that. It’s been 19 years this July.
This is beautiful. I got my first and only (so far) tattoo 5 years ago when I was 35. It’s of the Irish Claddaugh, in green and gold, and I LOVE IT.
Did you read Lucky by Alice Sebold? It’s her memoir on when she was raped in college. I’m glad you’re a survivor!
PS–found you from a tweet from mommymelee
All the words I’ve typed to comment have been deleted because I feel that none of them will truly convey the awe and inspiration I felt when reading your inked story.
Thanks for sharing.
Beautiful. Simply beautiful.
Very brave of you for sharing.
And, yes, tattoos are very addicting. I just have 2 (well, 1 from 2) and am thinking of more.
I missed this yesterday somehow. Were you trying to sneak it past me?
I saw the photo at the top and gave you shit about your tattoo and shared my stupid tattoo story but somehow missed the words. The so very important and lovely words.
I’m glad you found the courage and strength to share this part of yourself here. I’m sure it wasn’t easy.
Thank you for all your kind words and support this week. I hope I can return the favor someday.
Especially if it involves drinking. No excuse required to have a drink with a friend.
Oh, and that photo of your back … is super hot.
Beautiful. And incredibly inspiring. I especially love your Self tattoo!
Also, check out Violence Unsilenced, it’s an amazing blog with lots of survivors’ stories. All the Best!
Each time I read “I’m a rape survivor” I felt a twinge in my soul. I don’t know how to explain it except that I understand deep pain.
Not the same kind of deep pain rape inflicts, so maybe only a fraction of what you had to endure.
I guess that is partly why I am deeply moved by your utter, gut-level honesty and your courage.
If I weren’t so tired right now, I might be able to write something more poetic and compelling, and mabye a little less scattered. But, I had to write something now.
Today, for reasons I must not share, your story penetrated my heart. It goes out to you for the pain you suffered; it identifies with you for a pain I am suffering, though different. It celebrates with you your overcoming; and wishes you absolute joy and freedom.
Thank you for sharing, Nic.
Thanks for sharing. I’ve just started reading your blog and, well, I guess I’m learning lots about you
I’m glad that you’ve found some strength and hope in those words and symbols. Doesn’t hurt that they’re cute tats.
So well written… Jackson is so, so lucky to have you as his mama. xoxo.
Wow. Just wow. I don’t know the words for the kind of strength you have.
based upon our convo tonight, i have only one thing to say: you’re OK.
=P
I’m so proud of you as a friend, woman and human for putting your amazing, strong Self out there, and for shining a light on your darkest spots.
What a beautiful story, and what wonderful, beautiful, meaningful tattoos. You have an amazing story, and I’m so proud of you for telling the world that you were raped, and that you survived, and that you are stronger and wonderful proud of yourself, too.
Great story. Great.
I have one tattoo thus far. It’s Winnie the Pooh on my hip. I’d love to get another one some time soon. Probably when I finish having kids and I’ll work their names or initials into the design.
You are being featured on Five Star Friday!
http://www.fivestarfriday.com/2009/06/five-star-fridays-edition-57.html
Hi.
.
Just came by your blog for the first time today. I found you off of someone’s #FollowFriday list I think. I can’t remember now after reading this post. I love this post. I also love your tattoos. I am not a rape survivor but I did lose my hero, my dad, and I have my one and only tattoo on the inside of my left wrist that is my way of keeping him close to my heart. I love it. I want another. But I had twins and well, that’s just too much real estate
Dear Nic -
I have always looked upon you as a strong, independent woman. You inspire me. You inspire me even more now. I love you -
~Shans
That was some heavy shit, dudette. I know I don’t know you all that well but I’m proud of you and this beautiful piece you’ve written. Kudos. Very funny, because I stopped in to my Tattoo place today to talk about my next visit. The stars are aligned… Peace.
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What an amazing story. Thank you for being brave enough to share it.
Beautiful.
I admire your strength. I know far too many rape survivors, and it seems to me that the ones who are able to voice their pain are the ones who are strongest in recovery. You are obviously in that group.
Thank you for your incredible courage.
Bloody beautiful, Nic. Really touching and very moving piece. Thanks for sharing! Sorry I haven’t been around lately but I promise to be better
So, I didn’t expect to start the week crying at my desk at work. Hadn’t been online all weekend. Just stopping by to check out the wine review, and wow. Nic. Wow. I knew you before. And I knew you were incredibly strong before. Now, I have no words. Your art, your story is beautiful beyond words.
First: Awesome tattoos. I always think I’d like to get one, but I never know what I’d get. Maybe someday…
Second: Thank you for sharing your story. You’re brave and wonderful and awesome. As someone who was a Rape Crisis Advocate, on call at night to go to the hospital and sit with women while they went through the exam, I can only imagine what the past 9 years have been like for you. And how difficult and, hopefully, therapeutic telling your story probably is.
xoxo
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I must say I have mad, mad love for you. You’re amazing, strong and beautiful. Thank you for sharing.
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