we’re anticipating news…  no, not about another pregnancy.  we’re anticipating news regarding paul’s job.  and it’s on my mind CONSTANTLY and i can’t get rid of it.  i need to get rid of it, purge myself of it…

anxiety is my demon.  it keeps me up at night, keeps me from eating during the day (almost), keeps me paralyzed from leaving the apartment as i just wait…  for news.

one would think i would be used to this by now.  this is how the navy works.  ”hurry up and wait,” is what paul used to tell me even back when he was in school.

“you hurry up to get everything you need to get done done…  and then you just wait…  til whenever.”

and so we wait.  we’re “supposed to” get our news that we are waiting for today… or early next week.  in navy-terms this means we’ll hear wheneverthehell they get around to it… which could be weeks from now.

but somewhere, on someone’s desk, an important someone’s desk, sits a file with my husband’s name on it… and his fate, our fate inside.

*****

i’m good with change.  really, i am.  i operate well in transition.  i’m an organizational maniac who can get control out of situations in which we are in transition.  i like moving… like the actual process of moving.  it’s exciting to me.  a new adventure, and now, with jackson, it’s an adventure for us to embark on as a family.  that’s cool to me.

i moved a lot as a kid.  i’m not a military brat, like paul is, but my dad’s level of work in the corporate world required our family to move every 4 or so years, on average.  it never bothered me until i had to move as a teenager and then of course with that move, my life was over, as i think many teens in angst would experience.

*****

i just want to know.  ya know?  just tell me.  give me the answer.  the anticipation is not something that i am able to handle at this moment.  this potential change is too big… it involves another move (obviously)… it involves my husband’s happiness, which in turn affects my happiness… it involves how we will go about growing our family… it involves paul’s long-term career plans and how he will provide for his growing family.

it’s big.  and i’m scared.

and so we wait…

***UPDATED***

no, we haven’t heard anything yet in terms of our news…  but i had to add that jackson had his 15 month check up this morning and ROCKED IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  he weighed in at 22 lbz 10 oz thanks to a week of eating grammy’s yogurt mixed with cottage cheese (that makes me want to vomit).  we FINALLY broke not only into the 20th percentile for his weight….  but the 25th!!!!!

CAN I GET A WITNESS?!?!?!

so yeah, i lost my shit in the doc’s office….  and her eyes welled-up a little bit.  in other news, his height is still ridiculous at 33 inches tall and in the 96th percentile.  friggin string bean.  and his head is still meaty…  like his dad’s.

but the weight……  ohhhhhhh the weight……  GLORY GLORY TO THE WEIGHT!!!!!!

yup… at 2:45 in the afternoon.

if you’re judging me already after just reading the title and first sentence of this post…  STOP READING.

magoo should’ve been sleeping for the last hour and 15 minutes.  instead, he has decided to scream.  i cannot for the life of me figure out why, but that’s what he is doing.  screaming as though i am an axe murderer about to wail on him (which quite honestly, i’m considering.)

so i wait a while… cuz i honestly do have work that needs to get done.  jackson’s nap times are when i can get that work done unless i stay up all hours of the night, which in turn makes me pretty worthless the following day in terms of care-taking for the magoo.  i was for a while.  i tweet some funny ha-ha anecdotes like this…  and then this…

which of course leads to responses like this… this… and this.

the magoo continues to wail.  so i go in.  i do the obligatory poop diaper check.  all clear.  i reattach the pacifier leash to his onesie that he pulled off in his mad fury of anger.  pop in the pacifier, and he collapses on my shoulder.

for a moment…  just a moment… i think to myself, “phew… ok, we’re good.”

i lay the magoo down and AS SOON as this belly hits the mattress of his crib, he pops up like jackie chan, begins banging on the crib rails, SCREAMING like a non-hot chick in a horror film, and stomping his feet up and down.

and up and down.

and up and down.

so i leave.  i walk out.

i am that mom.

and now i sit on my couch, with purple earplugs stuffed into my ears (as though the harder i push them in my ears, the less i’ll hear jackson scream), a glass of wine, and my computer, twittering to other moms who get me.

really get me.

cuz, ya know…  not all of them do.

*sigh*  so… back to that book review….

starting at 7:15 this morning with “oh shit, did stellan make it through the night?”

i need to shower.  didn’t shower yesterday.  haven’t showered since the wedding…

paul’s goina be late to work so that i can shower…  oops!

twitter, don’t distract me please.

where’s my bra? nevermind.

coffee…  yes, COFFEE please.

must thank this guy for his radness last night in passing along info to help this family should they come east coast.

(matt: thanks.  that’s all i got right now brotha.  oh, and HI MADDY!)

jackson now says, “WOW” but not always on demand.

must get that on video for heather and mike.

i have a book review due in a week…  i have yet to read the book.

my friend’s book drops (i love saying that) in less than a week and he is in need of MAJOR COVERAGE…

HELLO OPRAH!!!!!!!!  ARE YOU OUT THERE?!?!?!

attempting to wrap things up with Blogher@Home though i feel completely inept.

so grateful for my partner in crime (who has a hot canadian accent) this lady… and her sweet family who went through what no mother should go through yesterday, being told by a doctor that they are calling child services on you.

fuck that doctor. i love you jenn.

magoo has 15 month check up plus vaccines in a few days… (note is on my desk.)

ohmygawd, jackson is 15 months old!!!

my downstairs neighbors and their kids YELL, SCREAM, JUMP ROPE, AND PLAY BASKETBALL IN THE APARTMENT STAIRWELL AND I WANT TO CLOBBER THEM… cuz it’s always when magoo is napping.

GO OUTSIDE KIDS!!!

i need to do laundry.  lots of it.

accomplished groceries yesterday, so that’s a plus.  we have food.

my husband is wonderful and let’s me try and save the world until i’m depleted of all energy, at which point he steps in and sets a 9 pm EST curfew for me and forces me to sleep.  (thank you, my love.)

what month is it?

ah shit, it’s tuesday… and i hate tuesdays for my friend.  and this friend too, who inspires me to be a better friend.

helped this friend last week with her precious one who is in need of GI tests run that jackson once had…

am i missing anything?

shipped out my old nursing gowns (that were barely used) to this friend yesterday in the hopes that she can get good use from them with her TWINS that are on the way.

i miss my family… wish they were closer.

jackson is napping.  i want to nap.

what should i make him for lunch today?

i really need to start training for the 1/2 marathon i’m supposedly doing in january…  shit.

could really use some starbucks right now.

my appropriately titled post “something happened” comes from one of my many fantastic college roommates (you can stalk her here.)  she slightly harassed politely asked me to post about certain evenings of debauchery events that took place throughout the course of this past weekend.  i will refer to my roommie as “special c” and her hub as “special g” seeing as paul and i stayed at their home.  (ps- thanks again for your hospitality and abundance of hangover food.)

**********

once upon a time, special c and i lived in a house with a total of 7 (i think, somewhere i lost count) girls/women… some of us finishing our undergrad, some of us starting grad school, some of us just plain ol’ not wanting to leave our happy home that we had come to know and love.  (and yes, there was waaaaaay too much estrogen in this house.)

during the two years i lived in this house, as both a college and then graduate student, i spent many-a-night intoxicated.  those of us living in this house worked tirelessly throughout not only every semester, but through summers to accomplish the goals we had set for ourselves.  and dammit, some times (ok many times) we needed a bit of a reprieve in the form of “the wineses” (no, not just “the wines”…. but….  ”the winesES”.)

occasionally after nights that included the wineses, special c would emerge from her bedroom the following morning, slowly creep into the living room of our house (where a few of us would be laying on couches/each other with bags of devoured food from krystal) and say the following… “something happened.”  she would then proceed to the bathroom in search of tylenol.

all of us would bust into uncontrollable (yet painful due to our hangover) laughter and nod our heads in agreement.  and thus came the birth of the post-drunk night phrase “something happened.”

**********

lots of “somethings happened” over the last 3-4 days…  aside from hosting this amazing madness, with this amazing woman, i traveled yet again.

paul and i had a wedding to attend in birmingham for another one of my college roommates.  you will find her in all her spectacular wedding glory below…

behold THE BRIDE (mother in background)

we left early friday morning, after i had kicked off Blogher@Home thursday evening with a BANG, resulting in a really lousy hangover, which made for not so fun early morning travels.  my mom met paul, the magoo, and i in the atlanta airport where the magoo was transfered to said grammy, and paul and i took a car and drove to birmingham.

i slept off my hangover the entire 2 and a half hours in preparation for the rehearsal dinner we attended friday evening.  friends of mine have more appropriate pics from the rehearsal dinner than i do, so i will refrain from posting mine and wait until they have emailed me theirs to share with you all.  (sorry to disappoint.)

saturday morning, i was lucky enough to join the bride and maids in a candid photo shoot as she dressed, stressed, and prepared herself for her wedding day…

lounging in laughter

les fleurs

special c and the bride

the bride being buttoned by her mom

documentation of bride's cleavage she was oh so proud of

the blushing bride

i guess it should be noted here that i chose not to take photos of the actual ceremony.  the sanctuary was so beautiful, the ceremony was so personal…  it just didn’t feel right for me to photograph that.  so…  on to the reception, which was held at a magnificent (but friggin hot) art gallery that refused to turn their ceiling fans on, so brace yourself for some sweaty photos…

some peeps and me (rockin out the boob-ige... yikes!)

(umm… ok, so apparently my bewbies decided to start peeling from the cruise i had been on the previous week.  dumb ass me decided to “cover up” said peel with tanning lotion.  so please don’t think i have some strange skin disease…  i just suffered from momentary dipshitness.)

wedding cake (which was entirely devoured)

me and a roomie, miss L

miss L and my hub bub (lookin mighty fine!)

special c and special g (our hosts for the wknd)

former roomie, "ms. whatever" and her new hub bub mr. s.

pretty sure i was singing "billie jean"... i think...

nearly making out with former roomie "bmc" (newly eloped)

so special c and i look naked, what else is new?

my dance with the bride

paul was REALLY excited about playing with fire...

so he lit mine...

YEA BABY!!!

yes, special c, something in deed happened.

***in other news, since i was semi-working this weekend on Blogher@Home, pop on over there for some awesome info and see who won in the giveaways.***

and you’re not watching “so you think you can dance,” you may want to check me out…  here.

cuz the project that i’ve been working on is kinda launching TONIGHT.

and yes, i’m scared shitless and wetting my pants as i write this.

BUY THIS BOOK!!!

but my fear won’t stop me from promoting my friend’s book… or drinking his favorite beer that tastes like the urine i am currently sitting in.

so, 9 pm EST tonight…  check me out.

well…  almost…  how about “2 word wednesday.”

HE EATS!!!

are you paying attention? this doesn't happen often...

brace yourself...

we're goin in...

nom nom nom nom....

i do weird things in my sleep.  it’s been noted on here before.  and i’m ok with it.  my sleeping issues just come with who i am.  love it or leave it.  i know that my sleepy time can sometimes cause trouble, if not induce hysterical laughter in those who witness said sleepy time.

when i was a kid, i was really sick with the flu…  i had a bad fever that wouldn’t break, and i can remember laying on the couch, 1/2 asleep and telling my mom that i was sinking into the couch.

“it’s like the couch is quicksand,” i told her in a fuzzy feverish haze.

“ok, nic,” replied mom, who probably then just gave me some more tylenol and put a cold wash cloth on my head.

once i finally fell asleep though, truly asleep, i started talking to her.  and mom remembers my exact words… phrases… whatever you want to call it…

“asbusssbusssbusssas bosssbusssasssbusss.”

fast forward to nic as a teenager with anxiety issues kicking in to full gear.  it was the night before a test i had at school.  i don’t remember the subject, the test, or the teacher the test was for… because any and all tests freaked me out to the point of me blowing in and out of a paper bag, as mom drove me to school.

anyway, the night before this test, in the middle of the night…  i took a shower and got ready for school.  (i don’t remember doing this, but my mom recalls hearing my hairdryer at 3 am and coming up to my room, wondering what the hell i was doing.)  supposedly she told me to change out of my school uniform and go back to bed…  i did so with a 1/2 wet head, which made for some sexy looking bed head the next day, which every teenage girl wants to go to school with.

fast forward a few years beyond that, and you have a college-age nic with PTSD as a result of being raped.  (i promise i’m going somewhere funny with this guys, stick with me.)  at that point in time, i had been prescribed sleeping meds because obviously i was not sleeping at night.  like at all.

so one night, paul’s visiting me at auburn, shacking up for the weekend, and i tell him i’m about to take my sleeping pill and go to bed.  once i took this pill (which shall remain nameless), i got in bed, laid down, and then sat straight up.

“do you see that baby in the corner,” i asked paul.

paul said nothing in response, and i imagine looked at me like i was a freaking lunatic.

“don’t you see it?” i persisted… “the baby, in the corner.  right there.  it’s looking right at us.”

the next morning, paul told me what i did and how i freaked the hell out of him, talking about people in the room who weren’t there (“i see dead people…”)

paul has come to know and love my sleepy time shenanigans.  i mean their kinda funny sometimes…  like when i wake up with no underwear and have no idea why.

well, i have a lot going on right now, as most people do…  we lead busy lives.  i’m running this website, as well as another with a good friend, and i have side projects going on here and there…

i learned the other night, that i need to stop my writing loooong before bed time.  i had written a post for Blogher@Home about vibrators and dildos.  (my parents and in-laws are totally hanging their heads in shame as they read this, i’m sure.)  it was late at night when i wrote the post.  i was so back-logged with emails and deadlines after coming off vacay, that i wrote the post around midnight, just to get it posted… just to “git her done.”

then i went to bed.  paul had already been in bed for a while, as he has given up on me going to bed with him when he knows i’m up “working.”

the next morning, paul is feeding jackson and i wander out to the kitchen for a cup of coffee.

paul: “dude… do you remember what you did last night?” (chuckling as he asks)

me: “oh shit.  no.  what’d i do this time?”

paul: “you were crowding me on my side of the bed, so i pushed your shoulder and asked you to move over…” (chuckles continue) “once you moved over, you looked at me and said ‘CHECK THIS OUT BITCHES!‘”

which is exactly what i had tweeted to advertise the vibrator giveaway at Blogher@Home.

those of you who are heading to chicago this weekend for BlogHer ‘09 just wish you were going to be rooming with me… yeah.  you know it’s true.