we’re anticipating news…  no, not about another pregnancy.  we’re anticipating news regarding paul’s job.  and it’s on my mind CONSTANTLY and i can’t get rid of it.  i need to get rid of it, purge myself of it…

anxiety is my demon.  it keeps me up at night, keeps me from eating during the day (almost), keeps me paralyzed from leaving the apartment as i just wait…  for news.

one would think i would be used to this by now.  this is how the navy works.  ”hurry up and wait,” is what paul used to tell me even back when he was in school.

“you hurry up to get everything you need to get done done…  and then you just wait…  til whenever.”

and so we wait.  we’re “supposed to” get our news that we are waiting for today… or early next week.  in navy-terms this means we’ll hear wheneverthehell they get around to it… which could be weeks from now.

but somewhere, on someone’s desk, an important someone’s desk, sits a file with my husband’s name on it… and his fate, our fate inside.

*****

i’m good with change.  really, i am.  i operate well in transition.  i’m an organizational maniac who can get control out of situations in which we are in transition.  i like moving… like the actual process of moving.  it’s exciting to me.  a new adventure, and now, with jackson, it’s an adventure for us to embark on as a family.  that’s cool to me.

i moved a lot as a kid.  i’m not a military brat, like paul is, but my dad’s level of work in the corporate world required our family to move every 4 or so years, on average.  it never bothered me until i had to move as a teenager and then of course with that move, my life was over, as i think many teens in angst would experience.

*****

i just want to know.  ya know?  just tell me.  give me the answer.  the anticipation is not something that i am able to handle at this moment.  this potential change is too big… it involves another move (obviously)… it involves my husband’s happiness, which in turn affects my happiness… it involves how we will go about growing our family… it involves paul’s long-term career plans and how he will provide for his growing family.

it’s big.  and i’m scared.

and so we wait…

***UPDATED***

no, we haven’t heard anything yet in terms of our news…  but i had to add that jackson had his 15 month check up this morning and ROCKED IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  he weighed in at 22 lbz 10 oz thanks to a week of eating grammy’s yogurt mixed with cottage cheese (that makes me want to vomit).  we FINALLY broke not only into the 20th percentile for his weight….  but the 25th!!!!!

CAN I GET A WITNESS?!?!?!

so yeah, i lost my shit in the doc’s office….  and her eyes welled-up a little bit.  in other news, his height is still ridiculous at 33 inches tall and in the 96th percentile.  friggin string bean.  and his head is still meaty…  like his dad’s.

but the weight……  ohhhhhhh the weight……  GLORY GLORY TO THE WEIGHT!!!!!!

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