step away from the ledge
i’m a go-get-em type of gal. when i know what i want and see what i want, I WANT IT NOW. and while this quality of mine is lovely in terms of decision-making capabilities, organizational skills, and planning, it’s working against me at the moment. and pissing me off.
i’m writing a book.
i know people who are either currently writing books and/or in the process of publishing. and i am so jealous with all of my enviously green innards however, i am also kissing their asses so that they find me adorable, enjoyable and want to give me free advice.
so i have multiple projects going on in the meantime… i’m writing a book review with a few other fantastic bloggers. i’m pursuing editors, publishers. i’m trying to figure out what it means to “have people” i.e. an agent.
but truth be told, i have no idea what the hell i’m doing. not a clue.
why the hell am i a writer? writing takes time.
but i’m not a patient person. time is working against me… or so it feels. time is my enemy, my nemesis. with each tick of the clock, with each nap that jackson takes, i find myself “working” and trying to make something from nothing. and then the time gets sucked away in a vacuum that i can’t get back.
GIVE IT BACK!
i have a vision… and i love being a visionary… but right now i need to be brought back down to earth, step away from the ledge, take a deep, cleansing breath, and allow nature to take its course.
yeah, right. like i really believe all that bullshit i just wrote.
next week’s vacay will be good. distance will be good. i’m stepping away from the ledge… inch by inch.
sweet indulgences
do you ever indulge? you parents out there? whether it be in a $4.29 double tall, nonfat, no whip, white mocha (which i am currently consuming)… a pedicure… a trip to your favorite beer shop, in the case of my hub, the beer shop that sells the good stuff (which does not include bud light)… hell, even indulging by taking a nap!
of course it goes without saying that my favorite indulgence is wine… good wine.
so, do you ever indulge?
i find myself indulging, really indulging, when i am at my limit. when i no longer know what day of the week it is, or what month it is. when i am seeing double because i’m going on such little sleep. when the sleep that i get is consumed with anxiety. when i find myself too wiped out to fully engage myself with my son. that’s when i know i need a break. i need something for me.
for some reason, indulging leaves me feeling guilty.
friday, i peace out of annapolis for a week… a whole week. jackson is spending a week being spoiled by both sets of grandparents in atlanta. my mom and i will drive to jacksonville, florida this weekend to spoil rachel, jackson’s godmother at her baby shower FOR HER TWINS. mom and i will then drive back to atlanta on sunday because…
MONDAY I LEAVE FOR A 4 DAY CRUISE TO THE BAHAMAS WITH MY BROTHER!!!
i am so beyond excited about these two trips of mine that i started packing last weekend. my goal is to survive til friday, get my son in the arms of my mother-in-law, and drive on down to jacksonville, at which point i will cover rachel‘s belly will kisses and rubs, massage her feet, and love on her til she or her husband kicks me out. i have not seen jackson’s wonderful godparents since decemeber, when we moved from jacksonville to annapolis… a few short days after we left, they secretly told us via skype that they were expecting TWINS!!! needless to say, i am ready to see my VERY PREGNANT friend (and you too billy).
the 5 hour drive from atlanta to jacksonville will be an indulgence in itself… i get 5 hours in the car with my mom. 5 hours of uninterrupted, peaceful enjoyment of her company. the drive will be a treat. and then she gets to spoil my friend with me for the remainder of the weekend.
upon driving back to atlanta on sunday, i will enjoy an evening with my magoo, transfer him to my parent’s house, and then monday morning, fly to miami and set sail with my brother, where he and i will spend the week indulging to the nth degree in the bahamas.
this is my brother. yes, he is single.
part of me feels guilty that i’m not going on this cruise with my husband… this cruise was a gift to brian from paul and i for his graduation from UGA. brian and i are unbelievably close and i’m so stoked to have 4 full days in paradise enjoying my brother. paul understands that, and i’m sure he will indulge in his own ways back here at home, being wife-less and child-less for an entire week. (((snicker snicker)))
so, dear readers, what are your indulgences? your guilty pleasures? do you indulge? do you feel guilty for indulging?
indulge me with your comments…
all business (maybe… kinda… sorta…)
enough with the “aw, what a beautiful family” comments on our 4th of july pics. we all know it’s not all smiles and parades with puppies and coordinating outfits all the time. thank you for your sweet words, but enough already. you’re making me vomit… but i love you for it.
the last few days with the magoo have been TOUGH to say the least. my twitter mom friends have gotten me through it and i thank you all from the deepest cavern in my heart because you know and you understand. and you encourage me, you stabilize me, you help me when i need help instantly. ps- thanks to you too twitter.
paul and i have been wrestling with weaning jackson from his bottle for a while now. a couple of months back, i posted about this, multiple times, wanting help/advice/comfort/sanity while somewhat touching on the subject, but not delving into the depths of what it means to truly say “peace out bottle. i need you no more.”
today…. TODAY i packed up the bottles. they are gone. and it’s weird… and i’m emotional about this in a way that i did not anticipate. as you recall, jackson recently started enjoying his bottles. which of course means that i FINALLY started enjoying giving him his bottles. it was our time. our sweet time…
curtains drawn, sound machine raining in the background, our little comfort cave…
and today i said, “enough, let’s get down to business.” and here’s the business folks… the bottles that jackson has been chugging, much like his uncle huge chugs beer, has been hindering his meals. jackson is fulfilled in his bottle feeds and uninterested in his meals, whether it be breakfast, lunch, or dinner… he knows in the back of his mind that come time to sleep (whether it’s a nap or bedtime) he’s got a nice warm bottle waiting for him to fill his little magoo belly.
the manipulative little shit.
so the last two days have SUCKED. jackson has been up in the night because not only is he fighting hunger, but his 4th and final 1st year molar is breaking through the skin as i type. it’s awful to watch, folks. these suckers are HUGE. and i hurt for him because he’s in pain and we do all we can… but the damn thing just won’t break through entirely yet. it’s a waiting game.
but i’m all business now… (til i break down and cry in my closet, by myself, feeling like a failure of a mother yet again for depriving my child). i’m stickin to it. we’re done with the “ba ba.” and hell, we should be… we never liked it in the first place for cryin out loud!!!
so yeah, i’m stickin to it. please encourage me. please hold me to it and keep me strong. i need my blogosphere community right now because i am so at the brink of giving in to my child, but i know this is what is best.
do i?
this feels very bitter-sweet to me as i watch our magoo go from being a baby… to a little person. and watching this growth take place, while it’s amazing… it’s sad. ironically enough, now the bottle is hurting him more than it’s helping him.
right now, it’s sad.
jackson is becoming a little boy. and he’s all about it… which keeps me smiling. he is so proud of himself. it’s just ridiculous. he claps when he feeds himself with his spoon. he claps when he drinks from a cup. he claps when he dances because paul and i are clapping for him to dance.
he’s becoming a person. he’s not my baby anymore.
***ADDED AFTER PUBLISHING*** this entire cold-turkey wean came on from a major puke episode yesterday morning. paul and i knew that we would not be giving jackson a bottle of milk for the remainder of the day, and thus we found ourselves ready to take advantage of the puke-situation and say no more ba ba.
the power of the nana
she waits.
patiently.
she loves.
unconditionally.
she teaches.
gently.
she gives.
tirelessly.
and so we wait…
until next time…
we are so grateful.
we love you so much.
Have a Sip
