malls suck
i’ve never been a big shopper. in fact, i hate shopping. if i HAVE TO shop, i will… but the experience will be over and done with as soon as possible. no dilly-dallying and definitely as little time in the dressing rooms as possible. in and out.
or i shop online.
but with the godforsaken heat lately, i’ve been forced to go to the mall. no, not for me… well, kind of for me. i’ve been forced to go to the mall to get the magoo out of the apartment and stroll him around somewhere stimulating in an attempt to wear him out.
has it worked? hell no. he’s still insane.
yesterday, paul got to join in on the fun at the mall, and both of us simultaneously turned angry and snarky as soon as we set foot inside.
the mall is a freakin freak show. maybe it’s just our mall, maybe there are malls around the world that are freak show-esque, but this was nuts.
when did malls get so weird? when did the people who hang at malls get so strange? when did stores start selling shit you would find in a sex shop (cheap plug for a new project i am a part of… sorry.)
as paul and i strolled the magoo through the mall, dodging people left and right because for some reason no one abides the laws of traffic when encountered with an individual pushing a stroller, we arrived at our first stop. starbucks. i thought this would offer me a bit of reprieve… maybe i was just being snarky, needed a little caffeine jolt, and i’d be fine.
nope. even post-caffeine rush, the mall was still freakin freaky. people wear articles of clothing that (in my opinion) they shouldn’t be wearing in daylight… tweens dress like they’re ready to hit the club and grab a round of tequila shots… i saw an older gentleman aimlessly walking around, not paying attention to where he was walking because he was CARRYING HIS LAPTOP and looked to be working on it AS HE WAS WALKING through mall traffic.
my guess is that he was on twitter.
then i start to take note of the merchandise carts that split the path through the mall. carts that sell hair extensions and straighteners, offering people free samples of hair. (whut!?!) carts that sell electronic cigarettes so that one can smoke indoors without offending non-smokers. carts that sell 20 minute massages by a skinny ass dude with a soul patch on his chin that looks like it was stuck on there with super glue for effect because he is 12 years old and cannot yet grow facial hair.
and there are always, always, those carts that sell lotions and aromatherapy products. carts that are occupied by crazy foreign women who approach you by initially saying, “can i ask you a question?” and though you respond with “no,” they follow you past 3 stores in an attempt for you to sample their pineapple papaya mango exfoliation gift-set.
BITCH, I SAID NO! DON’T MAKE ME GET PHYSICAL.
continuing our stroll with our son, paul (pushing the magoo stroller) comes up on 3 teenage boys… tweenage boys i should say. they were i dunno maybe 13-14. old enough to begin that weird stage of voice-changing awkwardness but young enough to still think punching and pushing each other in public places is cool.
these dudes decide to conduct their cool business of shoving each other just as paul and i are approaching them. i anticipate ugliness, lightly place my hand on my 6 ft 6 husband’s arm, and slow us down… because these idiots are about to shove one another into the magoo’s stroller, thereby knocking over our child who is strapped inside.
this is when paul gets angry, shoots the boys a look that says “i will mess you up beyond the point of recognition,” and then says to me, “i will uppercut a punkass if i have to.”
we seek solace in the borders bookstore, though it’s crowded since it’s a sunday. make a few purchases, the magoo gets a book about lions since they are currently his favorite animal, and we leave the mall.
when did the mall get so friggin weird?
*****in other news, Sex and the Mom dot com has officially launched, so be sure to check in over there every now and then for even more funny fantastic freakiness from your’s truly.
thank you chris martin
we are not a family who will raise our children listening to “the itsy bitsy spider” or any other “kiddie songs.” not in our cars. not in our house. not in the magoo’s bedroom. nope. sorry to burst anyone’s bubble.
ps- grandparents of the magoo, feel free to sing and play whatever kiddie songs you want when you are in possession of the magoo… ”what happens with the grandparents stays with the grandparents.”
**********
paul was deployed for the last 3 months of my pregnancy with jackson. being the classic rock fan that he is, i made sure that while paul was gone, i played “his music” for the inutero magoo, which meant as much skynyrd, zeppelin and clapton as possible, just to name a few.
jackson still has an affinity for skynyrd, but being a babe born in jacksonville, florida, i expect nothing less.
needless to say, jackson came out of my lower abdomen (yes bitches, i had a c-section, hate away) gracing us with his tiny dancer of a presence.
what began as simple arm and hand movements has evolved into full body convulsions and spinning when he dances. this happens in the car, at home, in restaurants… anywhere there is good music (i use the word “good” very liberally). he absolutely loves shaking his head back and forth, allowing the abundance of curls on his head to dance themselves.
it’s the happiest of times…
when we moved from jacksonville, florida to annapolis, maryland in january, we drove 10 hours with a little magoo and an enormous dog. i drive a little VW hatchback. paul drives “the dad car” (a tahoe). he had red in his car for the majority of the drive… i had the magoo. and yeah, we split up the drive over 2 days because i’m a pansy like that.
anyway, whenever jackson started to fuss on the car trip and i knew we had however many miles left until we were going to make a pit stop, i’d pop in coldplay’s “viva la vida.”
it never failed, during our first family road trip to our new home, coldplay was the magoo’s sedative of choice. perhaps it’s the majestic use of the instruments… chris martin’s calm yet compelling voice… the combo of the two, i dunno. but it worked.
since then, coldplay has become the magoo’s fave band by far. any time “viva la vida” comes on the radio, the feet start goin (usually causing him to fling off his crocs in my face) and the head gets shaking back and forth in a rhythmic motion… the curls flow and swing… it’s a beautiful sight.
a few months ago, i was cruisin around the blogosphere and one of my faves posted this fantastic masterpiece… “love story meets viva la vida” by jon schmidt.
and suffice to say, the magoo was sold… as was i. not a musician at all, i find myself amazed with the delicate craft that musicians possess.
before jackson was born, paul and i often found ourselves enjoying a few glasses of wine (me) and a few beers (him) and we would just listen to music together. it’s taken us a long time to incorporate that back into our couple-hood because of course now we’re running after the crazed magoo.
finding music that excites all of us is something that makes my heart want to sing. it’s awesome. there’s a bond in it.
and what i am just now realizing is that there is something about coldplay and kids… because just this week, the ever so famous heather armstrong of dooce.com posted this incredible dance routine performed by her 5 year old daughter to cold play’s “viva la vida”…
So She Thinks She Can Dance from dooce on Vimeo.
and now thanks to not only chris martin, but precious leta (armstrong’s daughter), this is all the magoo wants to do….
magoo dancing with leta
magoo spinning with leta
mesmerized while rockin electric guitar pj pants on his head
a town of uniforms
i’m homesick. not for my parent’s home in that first time at sleepover camp sort of way. not for my parent’s home at all actually… but for what was our home, in jacksonville, florida. (the home which we still own and are currently renting out by the way.)
i never thought i’d say that, but i am homesick for it… for the killer town of jacksonville we lived in… for the weirdos, the homeless dudes that would freak me out but also make me laugh… for my friends… friends with kids and friends without. i’m homesick for happy hour at european street… coffee at cool moose…. brie and wine at the brick…. oreo moose pie at biscotti’s…. cheese grits at the fox… (all of these are my fave restaurants by the way.)
i wanna go home.
**********
i’m not diggin annapolis. there, i said it.
i’m sorry, but this place just weirds me out. apartment living issues aside, i’m just not keen on annapolis. it’s weird that strolling through downtown consists of seeing an abundance of people in uniform.
it’s weird. to me.
maybe not to you military folk, or those of you who think of annapolis as a tourist attraction, because in reality, it is one… i just don’t want to live in a tourist town.
i don’t like living in a town where people walk around asking you where this or that memorial is, which gate to walk through in order to get on “the yard” (meaning on the Academy grounds), wondering if you can take a picture of them standing in T-court (again, on “the yard.”)
that’s weird. to me.
i’ve discussed this with my parents (whose only association with the military is through my husband) and they find this aspect of annapolis strange too, especially when we go out downtown.
yeah, there’s The United States Naval Academy directly across the street. and it is beautiful, historic, monumental. i’m not trying to down-play that at all. i’m proud that my husband graduated from there.
i just don’t like living across the street from it.
that’s weird. to me.
sure there are cute shops and coffee houses that i dig; but upon grabbing a window seat one of these cute coffee shops, opening your laptop, and beginning to sip on your latte… you glance out the window to a sea of midshipmen. ”college kids” in uniform… ambling around because they have liberty for however many hours (depending on what class you are)… and they all look the same. all. of. them.
that’s weird. to me.
**********
i guess i’m just realizing, even more so in living here, how much i am not a “navy wife,” or at least not one that fits the stereotype. the ones who do… they LOVE living in annapolis.
and that’s cool, if that’s your thing. i can respect that.
but it’s not mine. and i’m struggling with living here.
i’m a fish out of water.
i’m different. living in a town of uniforms is weird to me.
and school just started monday. all the midshipmen have returned.
all the uniforms around town are stifling.
i’m claustrophobic.
i miss my home.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM
you are so beautiful to me
we all love you so much
but i love you the most, grammy!!!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! YOU ARE SO VERY VERY LOVED!!!
WOW!
over 4 months ago, after heather and mike‘s precious madeline passed away, a video was posted of sweet maddie. this video is my absolute favorite of all the videos heather and mike have been so generous enough to share with me… with the world.
since the moment i saw that video of maddie, paul and i have been working on jackson saying what we now refer to as “the maddie WOW.”
and finally we got it…
only now we can’t get him to stop saying it. but it’s ok, because with the magoo’s daily repetition of “WOW,” i think of maddie and the all-encompassing beauty that it is to truly be childlike.
ps- i apologize for my poor video editing skills… and the duplication. (i guess it just goes to show you how often jackson now says this word. ha!)
******
if you haven’t already learned about the amazing foundation heather and mike have created in maddie’s name, please familiarize yourself with Friend’s of Maddie.org to become a friend and to help babies & their families.
Have a Sip
