i am feeling the weight on my shoulders.  it’s not visible, nor can it be taken off of me and placed on to someone else.  but it’s heavy.  and it’s beginning to weigh me down.

the anticipation of september has arrived early for me this year, for what reason i do not know.  but i hate it and its weight.

i hate the entire month of september and wish it were permanently wiped off the calendar.

it’s not usually until the last few days of august that i start to feel the weight; the shoulders tense up, the anxiety, the shortness of breath, the desire to stay indoors and hibernate.  insomnia sets in as my mind races and recalls.

for some reason, this has already begun.

the heavy has hit.

my grandfather died 17 years ago in september.  not a day goes by still that i don’t think of him.  jackson’s middle name is Ray because of this wonderful man who died september 8, 1992.  a picture of poppy reading to me as a child sits on jackson’s bookshelf in honor of my grandfather, my son’s namesake.  and i see it every day.  i smile at it every day.  i miss him every day.

and then there’s the terrorist attacks our country endured on september 11, 2001.  while i consider myself lucky enough to not have lost a loved one on that particular day, the date will always resonate in my mind.  i will think of those who did lose loved ones on that day, because of those attacks; and my heart will ache for them.  my husband serves in the military, and with that comes a constant anxiety that he can be called away at a moment’s notice should he be needed.

i was raped on september 26, 2000.  though i have gained such strength in sharing my story and purging myself of the shame i have felt for the last 9 years… that date will always be ugly to me.  unveiling that part of who i am, the survivor within me, answering questions from readers, and truly owning what happened to me has been a good thing.  the PTSD i still suffer from especially during the month of september, is not.

i don’t want the heavy to come yet.  i’m not ready.  but it’s here… weighing me down like a cold, wet blanket.

wake me up when september ends