anxiety angst
i’m goina go out on a limb here and just say it flat out… i’m struggling. BIG TIME. the aftermath of loss, grieving, shock, denial, confusion… it’s sent my anxiety through the goddamn roof.
i want so badly to continue on with my life here. i was hoping to get some sense of normalcy once coming home and getting back into a routine with the magoo. instead, i find myself experiencing multiple panic attacks a day and battling insomnia.
i know healing takes time. i’ve grieved before.
but i have never grieved as a parent before.
and grieving the loss of a child, an 18 year old girl, has hit me like a brick wall. i did not just grieve for my former roommate last week when we buried her sister. i did not just grieve as a friend.
i grieved with her mother, for her mother… because now i am a mother.
certain parts of the beautiful eulogy from the memorial service resonated with me differently than it did with others who are not yet parents. and certain parts of her death have been more difficult to accept because i am a parent.
i read a post a few days ago from heather armstrong of dooce.com and found myself nodding my head because as she described her panic attack, i knew EXACTLY what she was talking about.
i experienced it just this morning. the shortness of breath, the tingling limbs, wondering if i go to the ER or not. and it sucks. i don’t want to be feeling the way that i’m feeling right now. i would love to close my mind off to certain things and not think about other things and watch tv at night with paul and just enjoy a show without my mind racing a million miles a minute. i would love to sleep.
but i’m struggling right now. so i’m going to my doctor in 2 weeks and figuring out how to start climbing this hurdle.
and today, i’m going to get a massage.
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I am with you!! I just restarted my journey. My doc finally sent me to a psych for a medicine evaluation. Found out I have not been on proper meds for the last 15 years. Oh well. We’ll see how it goes. My panic attacks have been happening while driving over the bridge to and from work (don’t know if you’ve been down to SOlomons Island, MD, but that bridge – I live in Calvert and commute to the base for work in St. Mary’s). I have found that my anxiety has increased with my husband gone so much again and with a friend’s baby dying. I hope you find it and it gets better. It truly sucks!!!
Sweet Nic, please believe me in your heart when I confide that I know -and know INTIMATELY – that place of crazy panic and overwhelming sorrow that comes with grieving as a parent. Since M was born, I held my Nana’s hand as she passed away, lived through the loss of Maddie Spohr with the rest of our friends, and saw three other loved ones meet the end of their days. More death in my life as a mother than ever in my life before, and you’re right on point; you have changed, and so has your grief. I have no answer. We’re all always searching for that magic trick to see us through those moments when we honestly believe, either in our minds or bodies (and sometimes both), that we CAN NOT live through this pain one moment more, and I suspect there is no real magic trick or even “solution” – you just have to live through it. We know we will, but we can’t understand how. All I can offer is my empathy and my insistence that you know and REMEMBER that you are not alone in this. Not one of us is alone.
-K
The fragility of life has a way of slapping us in the face when we least expect it. I swear it gets easier. Just remember time does heal everything, if only a tiny bit at a time, it will get better.
Until then some self-medication never hurt anyone! I am here if you ever want to talk…I would even let you call me…and I hate the phone
I began having panic attacks after my brothers murder in 1996. I took meds for a short time, and then learned techniques to help with them when meds were no longer an option (pregnancy). Panic attacks can be very serious so it is good you are going to see someone. You are definitely not alone with what you are going through.
Thanks to you, Dooce, and other bloggers who boldly share your triumphs as well as your struggles.
I, too, struggle with anxiety and last week felt myself slipping. That tightness in the chest. The fear that maybe I was actually having a heart attack. When really I knew it was the anxiety rearing its ugly head again.
Good for you for making the call to your doc and taking care of yourself today with a massage. Those are exactly the sort of things we need to do when things get rocky.
I wish I had something wise and soothing to say, but I don’t. All I can do is send hugs and tell you that I’m hear if you need to talk. I hope the massage lets you escape for a little while and brings you some much needed relaxation.
Love and hugs sweet friend, love and hugs.
oh lady, i’m so sorry to hear you’re going through such a struggle. so much so that it’s affecting your physically – which i imagine is all the more frustrating when you WANT to feel better but just can’t. the feelings you’re describing are 100% valid, though, and you should do whatever it takes to nurture yourself right now. i think a massage sounds like a good start!
i also read that dooce post you noted, and it struck a chord with me because i recently blogged about a stint of mild depression i experienced. of course i’m not trying to compare a hormonal shift caused by weaning with grieving, but if you want some camaraderie about similar feelings you can read the post i made:
http://poppymilkface.wordpress.com/2009/12/15/eight-months-old-what-the-heck/
during the week i wrote that post, i had my first real panic attack in years. it was horrible. i think the worst part was that i really was trying so hard to hold it together, but i was failing to. i truly hope thinks get easier for you soon. you deserve all the happiness in the world. hang in there, lady! take care!
Just one day at a time. If that’s too much, just one step, one minute, one hour………Little steps. You’ll make it because you have that beautiful Magoo to take care of and he needs you.
I don’t think there is any worse pain than a mother burying her child. My group of friends buried 3 of our children last year and I thought the tears would never stop. Feeling other’s pain and loss is part of what makes us mothers. I am very sorry for your loss.
Please believe that the pain, anxiety, and tingling you are feeling is your body’s way of protecting itself, and healing from within. It may not feel good now, but it will make you stronger.
Until then, sending you hugs.
You are lovely, Nic, and being there with Em and her family was such a gift to give. This will get easier (if not better) and you get as many massages as you need in the meantime. Just tell yourself, “tighten up, uterus!”
@Shannon you’re so right hun. all of us being together for em and her family over the last two weeks has been a gift. i know it was a gift for them and for us. focusing on the time that we all got to have together, coming back together, though under such tragic circumstances was incredible and unforgettable. i love you so much!!! and yeah, i’m goina get to work on tightening up my uterus.
gosh, we are so silly… it was like we were back in the house again. xoxo.
I absolutely hear you. Since becoming a mother, I have felt everything more intensely – the highs are higher, but the lows are seemingly bottomless.
Sending you all the best wishes for strength and comfort.
You know I have had my share of panic attacks. They are always worse when I am feeling any extreme in emotion. There is nothing more extreme than grief. In the three years since I lost Kai, mine have been awful. Reading about a fellow bloggers stillbirth has sent me spiraling this week.I am so sorry for your loss, and I am sorry about the panic attacks. HUGS
*sigh* Nic, you know I haven’t commented here in a while…even though I have wanted to sometimes, I just, well. Anyway I am here now.
I could not understand you anymore if I were living in your mind and heart.
I lost my brothers(& dad) 6 years before I had Mason. I had come a long way in those six years. Emotionally I was ok with where I was in my grieving.
Then, I became a mother. Then I started thinking about the HUGE difference there is between burrying a brother and a son. I was VERY CLOSE with my little brothers. But they were not my sons. I didn’t get that bond until I had Mason. I started, and am still now, learning how to deal with the ‘new grief” of seeing it through my mother’s eyes. You know the depths of my story so I feel I may have rambled enough already.
The main point is that I COMPLETELY understand where you are. However I have never delt with panic disorder. I have only dipped my toe into that recently and it is hell. I hope that you find a place of balance very quickly. The place where you can get by.
One day you will be able to breathe easier. I hope it’s sooner than later. Just wanted you to know I get it. And I am so, so, so, sorry. Just. So. Sorry.
Take baby steps, take care of yourself, and lean on your loved ones girl.
<3
panic attacks? they are some of my very best friends.
Nic,
“May the Lord bless you and keep you.
May the Lord let His face shine upon you and be gracious to you.
May the Lord look kindly upon you and give you peace.”
I am sorry for your loss and I hope the love of those around you lift you up and bring you healing.
Hugs, Lisa
Grief is an impossible and unwieldy thing that slips into our lives when it is least welcome. (Is it ever welcome?) I hope that having this place and a patent swell of support will help you through. As always, I am here.
Nic, I’m so sorry you’re struggling. Grief is an unpredictable bugger, especially when you’re a parent. It will pop up on you in the least likely places and bring you to your knees. My most recent panic attack was in the shampoo aisle at Target. Fun times.
I’m glad you’ve got an appointment to get some help. In the meantime, we’re here if you need to talk, need a distraction, need anything. *smooches*
Nothing like parenthood to bring out our sense of empathy for other moms. I’m sorry to hear about that loss, for her mother, for her sister, for her friends, and for you. Grief is a conduit for a wide range of emotions, but some of them can linger and invite other unwanted symptoms (eg. panic attacks, insomnia) to the party. A massage is a damn good start, along with allows your emotions to come THRU you, meaning let them happen, but don’t hold on to them, just let them pass. I wish you well.
A toddler was murdered in my old town/area last week by his mother’s boyfriend. I couldn’t follow the story because it literally tore me to pieces, I just can’t fathom the loss of a child…at any age, and a brutal death at that. I still have nightmares and yes, panic attacks, over baby Peter (the baby from the UK years ago, DON’T google it if you don’t know of it…heartbreaking story). So I can imagine where you are coming from, and I don’t even KNOW these children or parents.
Hopefully the struggle will stop soon, and hopefully the massage with help you out….xoxo!
as i said on the phone – i’m here if you need to talk about anything. anxiety is my bread and butter. or something like that.
big hugs…
and breathe!
Nic, I am keeping you in my prayers and hoping that you can find some peace in the near future. Grief is a terribly difficult burden and I am so sad to hear that you are having panic attacks and not sleeping. That makes it all the harder. It is good that you are getting help. It is good (in an emotional sense) that you are feeling and acknowledging these emotions and hopefully dealing with them so that you can process them and begin to put your life back together. It is a terrible thing you are going through.
I think starting with that massage is a great idea. Anything that gives you some time for you and a little relaxation.
Again, please know that my thoughts and prayers are with you.