it’s not that i hate old people, just stupid old people with big cadillacs and canes
i’m a strategist when it comes to parking lots. when galavanting around this lovely town of annapolis in my itty bitty VW hatchback (complete with “peace and love” bumper sticker), i park with an agenda.
my car becomes a puzzle piece and it must fit juuuuuuuuust right.
when turning into a grocery store parking lot, i always find a spot near the grocery cart puter-awayer if not directly next to it. this way i can get the magoo settled in the car, load my loot in the car and then pop my cart over in the puter-awayer within a super short amount of time.
it’s quite remarkable actually, and i do commend my own timeliness.
when driving into a mall parking lot, i hunt for a parking spot that does not have another vehicle next to it. this way i can flip out the magoo’s stroller, plop magoo in said stroller, snag the diaper bag and any items i may be returning with maximum space around me and not fearing that i will scratch anyone else’s automobile.
when driving to a restaurant… lately this has just been to panera as panera is currently the meca for all parents during lunch time, i park next to a garbage can. this is because, like my husband, i too carry my beverage (let’s just say a sierra mist) to my car for a few final sips… but unlike my husband, i do not like beverages in my car. the spill factor is too much for me to handle when driving while jackson is throwing toys for me to pick up and give back to him. so i get my final few sips in and then toss my beverage in the trash can instead of leaving it on the ground next to the wheel of someone else’s car.
point being, i park with a purpose.
today, post-panera-lunching with jackson, we scoot through the parking lot to drop off a prescription to be filled (since i saw my doc yesterday and am addressing my grief and awesome anxiety). since i had no groceries to purchase, i did NOT park with my typical intentions and therefore parked like every other non-wackadoo human being on the face of the planet.
i parked wherever there was an empty spot.
it is when i am bent over 1/2 in the backseat of my car, one leg in the car and one leg out of the car, unbuckling the magoo from his car seat that this elderly woman CLOSES MY CAR DOOR ON MY LEG.
“excuse me,” i said to her as she attempted to squeeze in between my now nearly closed car door and her diagonally parked cadillac.
she says nothing.
dressed in what looks to be her sunday best for a trip to the grocery store, cranberry colored winter coat to match her cranberry colored prescription sunglasses and cranberry colored cane, it dawns on me that she did not hear me.
so i repeat myself…
“EXCUSE ME,” i said again still with my car door closed on my leg.
she acknowledges me, “i’m just trying to get by, kiddo,” she says.
KIDDO?!?!?
now i’m mad. she finds her way to the end of her cadillac and goes along, most likely NOT expecting me to talk back to my elders.
WRONG!!!
“excuse me,” i said for the third time. “could you not have waited the 45 seconds it takes for me to get my KIDDO out of his car seat before CLOSING MY CAR DOOR ON MY LEG?!?”
with the magoo now out of the car and on my hip, the elderly woman glares at me and says, “well aren’t you a little young and sassy to have a child of your own?”
my jaw drops and she walks away.
UGH!!! YEAH LADY, I’M ALSO YOUNG AND SASSY ENOUGH TO LEAVE A DIRTY DIAPER ON YOUR SWEET BOAT OF A CADDY TOO.
No Responses to “it’s not that i hate old people, just stupid old people with big cadillacs and canes”
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twice...
Some people are just un-freaking-believeable.
My question is: Did you throw the diaper at her car or place it delicately up her tail pipe?
bad. ass.
seriously.
i love it. rock on.
Did you leave it splayed open or all taped up?
I park like you…with a purpose. I have one friend who always searches for the close spot. I, on the other hand, don’t mind walking if I’m near the cart putter-awayer OR near a landmark because DUDE, I SUCK at finding my car after about 10 minutes.
angi
@Bay i taped the diaper up VERY loosely and left it on her back tire in the hopes of it falling off when she backed her car up, unleashing said magoo poo and getting in each and every damn crack of her tire.
I think I need one of Magoo’s dirty diapers….. may just come in handy… never know when someone will piss me off so bad I can’t see straight!
YOU ROCK!!!
Also, you and I have another thing in common…we park with exactly the same purpose, I mean exactly.
@Susan i’ll start saving a few for you. that way they can ferment and be even better the next time i see you.
or i’ll just change him on your desk again and leave the diaper with you to pursue with your own pissed off purposes. you sassy woman, you!
Oh Nic…you crack me up!! I take care of the elderly everyday and on a bad day they reallllly are difficult to deal with. We have a patient that actually called for our aide to come and remove the dogshit off her little Peppy’s behind because she couldn’t bend over to get it AND didn’t want to get bitten….by her own dog???? geesh! They can be a piece of work! Most of them have hearts of gold though
You’re my new hero!! Best thing I’ve heard in a long time!
Ok seriously? Seriously? Why are people so rude? Being elderly does not entitle rudeness. Gosh!
awesome! I too park just like you. It is actually scary how similar it is. Wow, that old woman was pretty bitchy.
Take care Kiddo! hahaha just had to do it!
I park just like you. Always with a purpose in mind. Right next to the cart corral. I’ll even circle the parking lot if there isn’t a spot right next to one.
Aaahhh St. Louis Bread Company is my most favoritest place ever in the history of the world to eat. I haven’t been there in awhile but oh so want to go soon. Yummy. I love their cheddar broccoli soup. Delicious!
That is fricking hilarious. I’m so mad I wasn’t there with you to see all this go down. I took some boxes back with Saree to a few of her clients today. We drove the Van and she was joking about how difficult it was in the parking deck with that big fricking thing. She even said shed hit a walker.. like im not movin! Yall are hilarious.
My parents drive a Cadillac. That is all.
@C not trying to hate on the cadillac or offend at all. my grandfather, who our son is named after, drive one for years… that being said, when parked diagonally, cadillacs take up a whole lotta space.
@Brian LOL you and saree are good people. when i’m home next, i wanna go out and have a few with you guys. xoxo.
P.S. After I read this I retold it to all the girls at work, we were all dying laughing because your response was so awesome.
Wow. I don’t park with such a purpose…though I did love living in the MidWest and taking advantage of their “for pregnant women or person with small children” spots. Yeah, those are awesome, and I have never seen them anywhere else.
As far as the old hag. Wow. Well, all I can say is you are a better person then me…I would have used every swear word in my arsenal and spread the diaper on her windshield. But, well, I obviously have anger issues I need to deal with ; )
Okay, respect your elders. Blah, Blah, Blah. I would have been so tempted to flip her the bird because I am now exactly like the freshman I teacher.
So many Americans have a sense of entitlement…it does not matter the age. Great, I am now pissed for you!
I hope Karma bites her self-entitled ass and she learns her lesson.
Lisa
You’re way nicer than me. I woulda smeared dirty diaper on the windshield. But then I used to carry around rocks when I would go out walking with my daughter in her stroller and throw them at cars that would run this stop sign by our house – almost no one stopped there but they sure would think about it after a good pelting.
You are a lot nicer than me. I probably would’ve cursed at her. But I’m a bitch like that. LOL
The only thing better than this? If you had somehow jimmy rigged a camera to be taping her reaction when she got back to the car and then posted THAT as a sequel!
holy shit! i totally hope you actually did that. the diaper thing.
also, you’re way more patient than me
@elle yes love… never have i ever been more grateful for a shit-filled diaper before.
Hi there – followed you here from over at the dooce community (after reading your question about hate mail), and really hoping that doesn’t qualify me as a cyber-stalker – just read your latest post & love the story. I’m looking forward to reading more.
You are my parking lot hero!!!
To add to that my husband printed up little cards that we carry in our car that have a picture of a old fashioned can opener on them with the statement “Next time you choose to park this close to someone please leave them a can opener so they can get into their damn car.” I get a cheap thrill when I leave one on someones windshield.
Oh. My. Gawd.
I don’t even KNOW what I would do in that situation…I truly dislike old people who think that because they’re old they can get away with rudeness. NOT TRUE. I believe in respecting my elders, BUT if said elder behaved in such a manner you can bet my respect would be out the window.
When I started driving my mom said, “Beware of old men in hats.”
So true
Renee´s last blog ..Haïti Aide
Dude. We are SO much alike it’s freaky. I have to tell you this in case you missed my tweets about it. Long comment coming up!
I think you remember I had that bad pain when I hit the breaks the other day…well when I went into the optometrist office to get Mike’s contacts one of the employees, an OLD MAN, accused me of “swiftly cutting someone off” and “quickly getting to the sign in board to beat out someone else.” I was literally DRAGGING my foot behind me like it was a dead limb and had my cane. The other 2 people were near there, but didn’t speak English or understand anything about the board until they saw me head there. SO I actually helped them.
So, I called him a douche. I said you know that is a real douchey and rude thing to say. How dare you. Right there in front of everyone. I told him I was offended and that no one has called me “swift” in over a year. Besides, I would NEVER cut off someone who’s rightful place it was. It just wouldn’t. Besides I am customer here and you have crossed the line. I would rate your customer service at -10. Check me out so I can get away from you ASAP.
So power to the young sassy (or in my case, down right bitchy) moms!
Lu´s last blog ..Protected: The truth can be so heavy. Want to hold some of it for me?
Oh my god, first of all. I REALLY hope you did that. Because.. OMG funny!!!
I hate THAT kind of old person. UGH.
Also, I totally park that way, but with different intentions. I drive a big truck. So first of all, I look for a spot I can back into, because that is easier than forward parking. Secondly, if I have to park driving forward, I prefer parking where I’m turning left into the space, so I look for that. I also look for spots where I can pull straight through, so that I can just drive straight out. That is what I call the “money spot”.. because when you have a large vehicle, and people park like douche bags after you’ve parked, it can be difficult to get back out. hehe
Also, is your leg okay?
Kellee´s last blog ..Help Out!