cuz i almost lost mine this morning. yes, my cooter came THIS CLOSE to dying a horrific and blistering death this morning thanks to scalding hot coffee and sleep deprivation.

if you saw my tweets this morning, you may have experienced the aftermath of my near-cooter-demise…

mind you, i am not currently covered in lower abdominal boils, nor are there any pinkish, tender areas of said cooter region… but HOLY CRAP YA’LL it was traumatizing, and most definitely NOT how one wants to wake up in the morning, especially a monday morning.

because, mondays suck. no matter what takes place during your day… if it’s a monday, it sucks. sorry, but it just does.

if the week began on a tuesday, tuesdays would suck. alas, it begins on a monday, thus mondays suck.

back to my cooter…

i’m lucky enough to have one of those fantastically hot husbands who gets up before i do in the morning and brings me coffee in bed. ((((swoon)))) i know, and i love every second of it, especially when he brings me a dark chocolate covered biscotti along with the coffee.

paul knows i need AT LEAST one cup of coffee running through my veins before i can begin to contemplate my day with the magoo. on special occasions, like president’s day, or mondays when paul needs to get to work early because he has a class to teach at 7:55, he’ll add not one BUT TWO shots off espresso to my coffee.

a friend of ours once told us this coffee beverage is referred to as a “hammer head,” but we prefer to be crude about it and create out own names using both the words “hammer” and “head” on an individual basis in order to create such inappropriate names.

it’s fun.

so, this morning, paul gets up with his alarm… he shaves… and then proceeds to make my “jack hammer” out in the kitchen while i continue to sleep peacefully. he places the delicious beverage on my nightstand along with a dark chocolate covered biscotti, and then wakes me up…

BY SHAKING ME VIOLENTLY BECAUSE OTHERWISE NO ONE WILL BE ABLE TO WAKE ME FROM MY SLUMBER!!!

once paul sees me adjust myself from the position of fully laying down to sitting somewhat upright and sipping my coffee, he goes to the bathroom to shower and continue his morning routine.

little did he know that i would fall back to sleep while sitting up…

AND SPILL FUCKING COFFEE WITH FUCKING ESPRESSO ON MY FUCKING COOTER!!!

i mean for christ’s sake, i close my eyes for ONE SECOND and the coffee mug goes…

give me a break!!!

so my lower abdomen that houses my c-section scar, thereby giving me two bellies, is scalded through my tshirt. and then i raise the tshirt and see BELOW…

and the underpants (don’t worry, they were boy-shorts, not granny panties) were soaked…

my cooter was MAGENTA with fury.

i lept out of bed, but this of course meant that i spilled that much more of my “head jack” on the bed, wasting that much more of the lusciously caffeinated beverage and soaking our sheets.

the now 1/4 cup mug of coffee is placed on my nightstand, the dark chocolate biscotti still awaits tantalizing my taste buds, and i disrobe. i strip down, leaving my coffee-soaked tshirt and underpants on the sheets and light blanket that have been covered in the “jack hammer” that paul made for me to enjoy.

i knock on the bathroom door. paul opens it.

HIM: “hey.”

ME: “move over. i spilled the fuckin coffee and i’m soaked.”

HIM: “that sucks.”

ME: “no shit. move over.”

HIM: “are you hurt?”

ME: “well, it didn’t feel good.” (then showing him my MAGENTA pink abdomen)

HIM: “dang.”

ME: “yeah, thanks. shampoo please.”

and thus began my monday… how was yours???

No Responses to “let’s talk scalding hot cooters”