on constipation, goosebumps, coconuts and dominican pooping statues
i have this inability to poop while on vacation.
i mean, if i ABSOLUTELY CANNOT contain the contents within my bowels, cramp up and begin to perspire, then fine, i’ll do what needs to be done.
but in the words of Bartelby, the Scrivener, “i would prefer not to.”
paul called me a “home-base shitter” the other night as we were regaling tales about this awesomely raw, newly married couple we met while in the dominican.
earlier that afternoon, as we lounged in the pool, buzzed with happiness that comes only with true relaxation and some kind of rum drink served in a hallowed-out coconut, our new friends made it known to us that they had to abort our sanctuary and continue conversation later…
“honey,” our friend said to his bride of only 8 days, “we better go, cuz i’m starting to get the goosebumps.”
dude had the rheas… and i don’t mean gonor.
suffice to say, our vacation was spectacular, and as soon as i take a shit and begin sifting through laundry and uploading pictures, i’ll update more.
for now, i’ll leave you with the “pooping statues” that reside in the courtyard of the resort and MOCKED ME DAILY.
21 Responses to on constipation, goosebumps, coconuts and dominican pooping statues
Have a Sip
I know a guy who went to Ireland and didn’t poo for eleven days. When he got off the bus and ran into his house, he clogged the pipes.
.-= Rebecca´s last blog ..Any Botanist Around? =-.
@Rebecca, BWAHAHA!!! nuthin like a good poop story.
I used to be a home based shitter, too, but the amount of fiber in my diet these days makes that completely impossible when I go outof town. That said, I still willnot poo in a multi-stall restroom. No way, no how!
@Andrea’s Sweet Life, gawh, i know what you mean!!! it’s like my bowels know the bathroom is multi-stall and it revolts against me, not allowing me to poop. total stage fright.
I can poop anywhere, anytime. Including my pants. I even pooped in a paper bag once in my Dad’s towncar on the way to a Mets game. On vacation I usually pee in the pool and blame it on my 3 year old. Good times. Loosen up Nic.
.-= Out-Numbered´s last blog ..Peter Gabriel Is A Farty Old Englishman… =-.
Crazy funny – just a few month in to our relationship my now Wife took me on a trip to Humboldt. Having popaphobia other that on the comfort of my own thrown I went on the trip regardless. Her ex-girlfriend house was OK the bathroom was so-so. She knew i had issues and could tell i was not feeling so hot. So, reluctantly i used the bathroom ( i just peed) and clogged it and freaked out … so almost a week later and sweaty and green from what my wife tells me she drove around Humboldt to find a bathroom for me to use. I said just drive me home – It was 17hrs away. I had no problem driving home to poop on other occasions. She found the brand new library and convinced me to do I did reluctantly- By this time i was so impacted and constipated it took forever and I swear I was gonna die on that toilet .. but I went. I was really going septic !!!
Holy crap (no pun intended!) that was hilarious.
Despite the fact that you could not crap I hope your vacation was totally awesome.
I missed your awesome tweets all week long!
.-= Sunday Stilwell´s last blog ..Remembering Mom on Mother’s Day =-.
Those really are mocking you!
I bought the house I grew up in from my grandfather. It took about a year to ween my little brother from the toilet in my house – even though he was married and living in a place of his own! Insanity, I tell you.
I prefer not to poo at work, but vacation is not a time to be worrying about accidental poopage!
.-= RobMonroe´s last blog ..Daddy Daughter Date =-.
The subject of your post gives “run drink” a whole new meaning outside of an obvious typo.
@Trixie, ROFLMAO!!!!! sweet jeebus, the “run” must still be in my system if my typos are THAT BAD. sheesh!!!! i need a blogging editor. thanks!!!
HAhahahahahaha, poooping statues. Awesome. My mom is the same way, you know. She cannot poop on vacation to save her life. She gets constipated, though, I think you’re just stubborn.
.-= Kellee´s last blog ..Shawlbeast From Hell =-.
Oh, Nic, You are back! HUGS! I am so glad to see you are posting again!
I can do it at home, at school, on vacation, at the mall, at the grocery store, anywhere, any how…..I am an Equal Opportunity Pooper (aka EPO). I cannot fathom holding it in for any length of time. Now I do draw the line at making a deposit in front of someone….ewwww.
Thanks for sharing!
.-= LisaB´s last blog ..Dem Were Some Doooo-Zeeeeees! =-.
@LisaB, thanks love! yes, i’m back… and no way better to get back into the swing of things than a shitty post.
xoxo!!!!
Ahh! Shit!
Haha, it said my comment was too short. Funny
I’m glad you had a great vacation. I’m MORE glad you’re back. I hope you feel recharged, refreshed, and ready to go!
.-= Mandy´s last blog ..Daughters =-.
omg. this was awesome. “dude had the rheas… and i don’t mean gonor”
blogging awesomeness.
=-.
.-= Becky @TheRealBecks´s last blog ..Self proclaimed groupie…and my babies
“dude had the rheas… and i don’t mean gonor.”
JESUS, i love you.
.-= elle´s last blog ..august 2009 =-.
@Becky @elle i wish i could be so clever with that rheas comment. alas, the dude who was unfortunately peeing out of his pooper shared that tid bit of awesome with me.
OMG! That was hilarious! I have missed you terribly! I too am a home based shitter. I CANNOT go anywhere but home. I will give you a little piece of advice that I learned the hard way. Do not take 2 exlax when one will do the trick and certainly don’t eat a fiber one bar after you take 2 exlax. You will be able to shit thru a keyhole. Trust me on this.
Hugs! Jolene
OK, first of all I missed your ass! Secondly, I tend to be the same way, and third the statue is totally insane and mocking the shit out of you. Well not literally, obviously.
.-= Lu´s last blog ..My Story: The part where we try to start living again. =-.
You’re back! I don’t understand the home base shitting thing but I’m all about selfishness and doing what feels good for me. I couldn’t do it. Anyway, good to see ya. Happy Mother’s Day!
.-= Ashley´s last blog ..Mother’s Day =-.
Those guys are AWESOME lmfao. I’d steal one and put it outside your house
haha
.-= Sarcastica´s last blog ..More From Negative Nancy… =-.