for the last 5 days, each phone conversation that i have had with my husband has begun as such…

“hey,” i say. jackson screeching in the background as my mom and dad whisk him away so i can focus.

“i still don’t know anything,” are the first words out of his mouth.

and those 5 words NEED to be said immediately after i have answered the phone in order for him and i to attempt to carry on any sort of “normal” conversation beyond the not knowing… beyond the obvious ugly.

once that has been established, some questions are asked from my end… questions that i cannot share here but wish i could.

he and i attempt to discuss other things. talk about jackson. ask about our families.

we continue to duck and run, bob and weave, dodging what we dread so very much… being separated for a VERY long time, with him being called away to a place that keeps me awake with nightmares in the earliest hours of the morning.

i have these conversations with myself during those wee hours of the morning when i wake up startled and scared.

**********

we dodged the bullet this morning. he was not chosen to leave at this moment in time.

i’m grateful. i’m relieved. i’m breathing at a steady pace.

but i’m still frightened.

this looming THING that we have been spared from for the second time in just a couple of months still looms.

it arrives with full force, announcing its presence with a thunderous roar.

and you wait.

and wait.

you duck. cower. look left and right. weigh your options.

you bob and weave.

and then what was this all-consuming THING vanishes in an instant. as quickly as the snap of a finger. and you are told that you are spared.

today we were spared.

but someone else was not.

someone with a family. someone’s husband. someone’s daddy. someone’s brother. someone’s son.

and so it goes…

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THANK YOU from the depths of my soul for all of the encouragement and support you have provided me with since my last post that i was not even given the ok to publish until yesterday. i have the greatest readers on the face of the planet. you are all gold, and i hope you know that i truly am grateful for each one of you. you allow me to be me in my space. accepting me at face value. and at the end of the day, that’s all i could possibly ask for.