typical conversation
head: it’s ok. we don’t know anything for sure. no need to panic.
heart: FUCK!!! WE DON’T KNOW ANYTHING?!?! PANIC-MODE. CODE RED. ABORT. PANIC. PANIC. CAN’T. BREATHE.
head: we’ve been through this before. keep positive thoughts. meditate… go do yoga… channel your inner strength.
heart: GODDAMMIT NOT AGAIN. HOW MANY TIMES CAN ONE DODGE A BULLET?!?!
head: we have a strong support system. we’ve been through worse. much worse. and somehow we’ve come out of that with a bit of sanity left.
heart: SUPPORT?!?! THE ONLY THING THAT CAN SUPPORT MY SANITY RIGHT NOW IS XANAX (and trader joe’s dark chocolate pretzel bark… ok and wine.) I CAN’T DO THIS. IF THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENS, LIKE REALLY HAPPENS, I’M NOT GOING TO BE ABLE TO TAKE IT. I’M NOT STRONG ENOUGH.
head: we’re not alone in this. people do this every day. things will be fine. families have been dealing with this for years. we’ll be ok.
heart: WE ARE ALONE. ENTIRELY ALONE. NO ONE “GETS IT.” THIS IS NOT OK. AND THERE’S NO END IN SIGHT. THIS JUST WILL NOT END. THIS IS GOING TO HAPPEN AGAIN AND AGAIN AND FUCKING AGAIN.
head: it’ll be ok… just repeat that to yourself. it’ll be ok… it’ll be ok. breathe in… breathe out… it’ll be ok.
heart: THIS IS NOT OK. WHERE’S MY DAMN PAPER BAG?!??! I CAN’T BREATHE.
head: there’s nothing you can do anyways. you have no control over this. what happens is going to happen for a reason. you may not understand the reason, but you have to trust. it’s not doing you or anyone else any good to dwell on it.
heart: THERE IS NOTHING I CAN DO. NO. THING. I’M HELPLESS.
head: we’ve known this was a possibility. this has always been a possibility. this will continue to be a possibility until he’s out. we are no more safe from this situation than anyone else.
heart: I WANT TO BE SELFISH. THIS IS MY FAMILY. OUR LIVES. THE POSSIBILITY IS FUCKING WITH OUR LIVES. IT’S HERE… ON OUR DOORSTEP AND REPEATEDLY RINGING THE BELL. I DON’T WANT TO OPEN THE DOOR. LOCK IT. BARRICADE IT. KEEP US TOGETHER. INSIDE. SAFE. TOGETHER.
head: i need to be strong for jackson. i need to be strong for our family. rock = me.
heart: I’M TIRED. I’M SCARED. I’M FALLING.
**********
i’m not in a good place right now, obviously. please keep my family in your thoughts or prayers (if you are of the praying kind… right now, i can’t figure out if i am or not.) more than anything, please hope that things going on in and around our world improve… a lot of people need a lot of things to improve… more than just me and my family.
23 Responses to typical conversation
Have a Sip
i know the feeling. had this same conversation myself mmmmaaaannnnyyy times. remember: you aren’t superwoman–it’s okay to ask for support
(a lesson i had to learn the hard way). prayers. done.
I’m not the praying type. But for you, I well definitely send up a few. I’ve been in this situation and it frickin SUCKS! You are right, you need to be strong for Jackson and your family. Hang in there. *HUGS*
.-= Colleen´s last blog ..On being a Daddy…… =-.
I am the praying type and I will pray for you and your hubby and baby. I’ll just add you to the INCREASINGLY-STUPIDLY-LONG-ASSED list of people overseas to pray for. Big HUGS… and take advantage of TJ’s Two Buck Chuck and the dark chocolate pretzel bark!
.-= LisaUnfiltered´s last blog ..Influencing our Kids =-.
sending much love to my dear friend. i’m taking a guess as to what this is about and i SO feel for you. i think you’re entitled to not be in a “good” place – no one can deal with bad news with absolute positivity 100% of the time. do what you gotta do – talk about it or don’t. pray about it or don’t. hug your baby – that definitely helps no matter what (unless he hits you or something. poppy clocked me in the nose earlier and that’s a hug i could have happily gone without.) you already know this but imma tell you anyway – i am an email or text away. you can call too but poppy will yell at both of us – either way, that’s an option too… many, many hugs from me to you. love you bunches. xxxooo.
.-= emily bilbrey´s last blog ..my lady. =-.
Girlll, you know I’m the praying type. Me and God have lots of daily conversations and you know I will include you, your hubby, and little Magoo in them from here on out.
I also pray that you feel His grace and peace upon you.
Love ya Nic!
.-= Sunday Stilwell´s last blog ..Do you kiss your Mama with that mouth? =-.
I am the praying type, too, and you will be mine! Hang in there, sweetie! I’m so sorry you are going through this.
.-= Elizabeth Flora Ross´s last blog ..Thanks, I think =-.
Ok. I’m sometimes dingy so this means Paul is being shipped out, right? I’m sending you hugs and love and peace throughout this all. You are a strong woman. You’ve overcome LOTS already and Jackson needs ya. xo
.-= Becky´s last blog ..How I almost died…and how my girls saved me =-.
hi sweets, a dingy you are not. we don’t know if he’s going or not. things are up in the air, which is what prompted this post… the waiting and wondering.
I can sort of guess what you’re going through. I don’t blame you a bit for feeling anxious and panicked and freaked out – anyone would in your shoes. I’ll be praying for you guys right along with the other mamas who commented before me. Sending you internet hugs and vibes of peacefulness.
.-= Barnmaven´s last blog ..Powerless =-.
Oh, sweet friend, you know you are always in my thoughts and in my heart. I go back and forth on whether I’m the praying type, but for you I will definitely say a few.
Hang in there and know that there are many people out here supporting you, loving you, thinking of you and hoping it all works out. If you need to talk you know where to find me
Love ya.
.-= Lisa´s last blog ..Babywearing =-.
You KNOW I am sending all my lovin’. I can’t imagine the life of a military wife. I am a Marine’s SIL and I can barely handle it. Sending tons of strength your way. But guess what? I know you got it. Believe in yourself Nic. I do.
.-= Lu´s last blog ..Updates and other awesomeness. =-.
Sending good thoughts your way.
.-= Mandi Bone´s last blog ..Rules are for following =-.
I know you can’t stop the voices, god knows I’ve tried (hello Ravenswood zinfandel!), but know you have lots of people thinking about you and hoping for the best!
Love to you, sister. I will pray, yell, fight, scream, whatever is needed. I know that you can do it, it won’t be easy, but nothing that’s truly worth it really is. LOVE, HUGS, PEACE.
A
Oh…and by the way…get out of my head. I have that same type of argument with myself ALL. THE. TIME.
.-= Angi´s last blog ..Dress Quest 2010 =-.
Nic, I know about the waiting and wondering. I am not a military wife, however, I am a military child, and my entire man line is or was in the military. I will pray all goes well and everything works itself out. Remember, there is always support out there, and although it seems like you might be alone, you so aren’t!!!
I now know that the news is good, so I won’t join you in breathing in and out of the paper bag; however, as a mom, we need to be strong for our kids…. whether they are 2 or 22! You go girl!
Haven’t been here in a while…but I hope all works out in a way that you can have peace.
it means a lot to see you back here. thank you so very much.
Sending much love and good ju-ju vibes your way!!
Pingback: and so it goes…
Sending lots of positive energy, warm fuzzies, and prayers to you and yours. I cannot imagine the stress you feel right now but for what its worth I’m rooting for you. We all are. Much love!
really praying for you.
I just read this now, Nic… I’ve been so absent.
I’m sorry I haven’t been here… I’m sorry you are going through this! I can’t even imagine being faced with that terror. It’s like the fear of a loved one dying, only you have to be faced with the chance to try to ‘prepare’ for it.
Sending all my love and hugs and extra wine glasses. You have to be strong for Jackson, but it’s okay to be a little crazy too.
You will survive, momma. You are the strongest person I know.
.-= Mandy´s last blog ..Incredible Inwood =-.