no. 2
i’m not pregnant.
actually, we have not even been trying.
the baby-bug is gone.
squashed, infact.
we’ve dodged circumstances regarding paul’s job twice in the last few months since i had my IUD removed.
our almost 27 month old magoo has fully embraced the “terrible twos” and poses many-a-challenge on a daily basis right now.
**********
i’m scared.
there, i said it.
i’m entirely scared… of a lot of things.
**********
i loathe planning things that end up getting changed. by nature, i’m a planner. i like knowing what is coming next. and when things are set in place, i get set in place.
we don’t know what’s coming next in terms of paul’s work. quite frankly, we never do. and while that’s no surprise because it’s always been that way, it’s still this in-your-face thing that smacks me every so often and says, “ha ha, whatever control you thought you had over your life, YOU DON’T!!!”
that is a tough reality for me to face.
i’m not a good military wife. i don’t do well when paul is gone. as much as i like to think of myself as being independent and self-sufficient and all “i don’t NEED him to function,” that’s not entirely true.
i do need him.
**********
at some point in time, once we have fulfilled our orders here in maryland, paul will take a job that will require him to be gone. we don’t know for how long, but we know this is inevitable.
we will be in maryland for another year and a half.
during that year and a half, paul SHOULD NOT be sent away.
so it’s ideal for baby-making time, right?
right!!!
but… i’m scared.
i’m scared to be left alone, without a partner. i’m scared to be a single parent. i don’t know if i can do it. and i don’t WANT to raise a kid(s) without paul around.
the few trips paul has taken within the last few months (and they have been short trips, only lasting a few days at a time) have brought me to my knees. i have complete admiration for single parents and all they do… because they DO IT ALL.
**********
so here i am, scared… of the unknown… of not even being able to predict what is next for us… and i’m allowing this fear to get the best of me.
i am holding us back.
**********
jackson was a surprise. and we just made it work. we never had to have the back and forth conversations, asking one another if we were “ready.”
maybe it’s easier that way?
maybe it’s not?
maybe it’s never easy?
i don’t know.
i do know that i want more kids. and i know that now is “a good time” to get pregnant. paul would be home for the entire pregnancy and for a good amount of time after the baby would be born.
but then what?
then we would move, again, possibly further away from family than we are now… and then paul would be gone for extended periods of time, leaving me with a school-age magoo and a wee-new-magoo.
**********
so here i am. scared.
i don’t want to be scared.
i want the baby-bug to sting me again.
i think…
28 Responses to no. 2
Have a Sip
You are a strong and amazing woman. Whatever you are handed by the Universe you WILL be able to handle. It may not feel that way now or look that way on paper but you will be able to do it.
We were in a bad situation a year and a half ago when JQ lost his job. Somehow we managed—we hit that EXTREME low but persevered. Now he plays gigs and teaches lessons out of the house. We aren’t where we used to be in terms of finances (positive or negative) but we have adjusted and are making it work. I know it isn’t quite the same as what you are going through but still…
You can be scared but you will make it. Whatever IT ends up being.
Holly {ArtistMotherTeacher}´s last [type] ..Next thing you know we’ll be hanging up the black light poster I found in the hope chest
Psst… I’m scared too.
Already pregnant, wondering what the heck I was thinking? Telling myself that if we wait until the time is perfect, Ronan will be an only child. Wondering why that isn’t good enough for me? Why I want want want another one? Why I need another one?
Hugs, momma. This is scary stuff. I can’t IMAGINE doing it alone. I haven’t really had to, and even only having hubs home for an hour at the end of the day to help out is better than nothing, better than never.
I hope you choose another, because you are an awesome mother. (See how I rhymed that? Sweet.) Because I would love to see you get to enjoy another little bundle. But I would hate to see you end up going it alone, for any amount of time. So no matter what, no matter what you choose, you are making the ‘right’ choice – as long as it’s right for you. <3
Mandy´s last [type] ..Avoidance
I can only imagine how paralyzing it must be to not know what will happen. When those situations in my life, arise, I know that I am scared as well. You are strong, though, and I know you will find your way through, whichever way that happens to lead. <3
Kellee´s last [type] ..Turning Japanese- I Really Think So
I like your category, “in mah head” because that’s all about fear.
Fear is what you make of it.
You can submit to it.
You can sit with it for a while. Simmer in it, acknowledge it, then let it go.
Don’t ignore it, and I’m glad you are not.
But remember that fear is not reality.
Like you said, you don’t know what’s next.
You don’t know know that it’s anything to fear.
When I’m in my head I try to think of how much time I’m wasting being in my head and being afraid.
Then I want those 30 minutes back and I focus on enjoying what I have today, right now, this minute.
It helps me get out of mah head.
Hugs!
Whether they are planned or not it is never easy. My kiddos are 2 years apart…like almost exactly 2 years apart. My first one was in no way planned, and she came during a very rough time. Our 2nd princess was a little more thought out. I do have several friends that are single mommies though, because of the military, and they said it is really tough at first but they have learned to adjust. Only you can decide what is right for you though, and you have my best wishes.
MamaBennie´s last [type] ..Wordless Wednesday- Mommy I Made a Mess
I don’t think I could have said it better than Janine. So I won’t. My second was a surprise. “Oops!” is the exact quote from his father. My first child wasn’t event a year old when I had my first official appointment with the OBGYN. I was terrified.
I was stupid. It came at the perfect time under the perfect circumstances. I just didn’t know it then. I was just wrapped up in fear.
We’ll support you no matter what!
JenniferG´s last [type] ..Resist The McDonald’s Frappe- People
I’m here for you babe, and I’ll babysit anytime. I totally know where you are coming from on many levels.
Smooches
Amy
Amy Phillips´s last [type] ..Daily Photo
If you weren’t scared, I would be worried. Making the choice to have a baby is always a little scary. I have to admit I could NEVER be a military wife, I am just not strong enough. I need the hub home every night. I am sure you can handle whatever comes your way, you are a great mom and a fantastic person.
Jenni Williams´s last [type] ..Because- Really- There Are NEVER Too Many Beach Pictures
Pingback: Tweets that mention no. 2 -- Topsy.com
Hugs mama. I’m scared too, I think we all are to an extent.
The questions, the in your head stuff, it sucks. You just have to do what feels right and take control of those parts of your life that you can control. Remember, you are an amazing woman and mother.
Love ya sweet friend.
Lisa´s last [type] ..Community
I promise to bite you in a handful of weeks with newborn pictures galore! I am completely freaking out about many things right now, mostly having 3 kids. Sometimes its better to just take the plunge so to speak, because like you said then there is no looking back or what ifs.
Beth´s last [type] ..Great News-
Oh man sweetie. This is almost the same conversation I had in my head before we tried for LIvie. Granted, Hubs isn’t shipped off like Paul is but he works crazy hours and I thought long and hard about single parent evenings and weekends. It sucks. Finally we just said let’s do this and it’s been fine. It’s been hard a lot of times but I don’t regret bringing another kid into the mix. I totally get why you’re anxious about it…if/when he leaves it WILL be hard to have 2 kids. But I promise you you won’t regret it. Either way, whether you still try or not, you DO have Magoo and he’s amazing. xo
Becky´s last [type] ..Perfect- beautiful evenings
Not sure what to say, but *hug*.
existere´s last [type] ..Lesbian adoption aka- all the shit we had to do to be a legal family
I too would be more than happy to offer up my services as babysitter extraordinaire! I think between my 2 and the Magoo we would have the makings of a three ring circus!
I know how you feel with regards to having a #2. I had my tubes tied after Noah was diagnosed with autism. I figured I wasn’t going to have a third and another potentially autistic child with the boy’s dad. Then my marriage fell apart and I got divorced and then remarried to a wonderful man.
Now, I think about what it would be like to have another child with this amazing man I am married to and I am filled with doubts.
Sunday´s last [type] ..The homes that built me
The thing of it is, you’ll never know how amazing or how difficult it will all be until you are in the midst of it. What I do know is that the military wives I’m very close to, make it work. Military wives have something different inside of them, most not realizing it is there until they need it. My sweet friend Jennifer’s Marine husband left for a 3rd trip to Iraq 5 days after her third child was born. She had zero family nearby and a two year old with a penchant for the emergency room. She broke her own foot during his deployment. And she got through. Maybe not with flying colors every day, but she got through.
Military wives are a special breed. You are no different.
My suggestion? Don’t over think it. Engage in lovely romps under the sheets just cause & let the ‘whatever happens happens’ thing happen.
You’re strong; you can make anything work! Love ya xoxox
It may actually be easier because Magoo will have a playmate that ISN’T YOU. There is huge relief in that. You will have given him the best gift ever, a sibling. He’ll be so much more self-suffient then you can even imagine he’ll be right now. He’ll take great pride in being the man of the house while daddy is gone and a great helper to you as the big brother. It’s all good. If you think about it there is shit to be scared about in every one of life’s important decisions. xoxo
BTW, this is coming from a lunatic who had three kids in four years with a husband who is gone 16 24-hour shifts a month. But I’m still alive – and smiling!!
Ashley´s last [type] ..A few more favorite finds
I have honestly found the #2 decision to be MUCH harder than #1. You *know* all that you are getting into, all the difficulties, and you know that it will be MORE difficult because you still have the 1st to take care of. I think being scared is natural…
I have two stock quotes for decision making time….and you know what…they always work:
“Let go and Let God.”
And “God is always at His Desk.”
If I may give you a bit of advice….this is what am trying to do with life since it has become such a bumpy roller coaster ride~~~embrace life, and live each day to its fullest. Focus on today and try to let tomorrow wait for tomorrow….and my third fav quote is by Wise old Abe Lincoln: “The best thing about the future is that it only comes one day at a time.” I love you Nic and thanks for sharing. Auntie Freda
You area great mommy and I believe you can get through things by yourself if you would need too. Do what makes you happy. If another baby is what it takes, then do it. I’m all for sex and created amazing offspring! Just think….there would be a MiniMagoo!
Annie Y´s last [type] ..Setting the record straight
People keep insisting to husband and I that we need his salary to double and we’ve got to own a house before we even spawn for the first time.
To that I say, you know what? Humans have been making it work for thousands of years. We’ll be okay.
But the doing it yourself thing? That *is* scary.
Margaret´s last [type] ..Wait for the Ding! or- The Day We Thought We Were Dead
Oh Nic. Honey, it is so ok for you to be scared. It is ok to be scared to do a lot of it on your own for however long. It’s ok to think it sucks when Paul is only gone a few days.
This may sound like a reach, but I KNOW you could do it. I just do. Your writing screams your strength and that strength makes you the amazing mom you are to Jackson now. I have two and while neither of them is in the terrible twos yet, and my husband sleeps at my house every night, I am alone a lot. He works a lot. And somehow I get through the work day and then mommy day/night. Not without the occasional meltdown or freaked out “I can NOT do this!!!!” moment, but I get through. And if I can, I know you can.
Love and huge virtual hugs to you honey!!
Heather @ Brace Yourselves´s last [type] ..Belated Birthday Party Fantabulousness
If I may take your blog post on a tangent: the other day I was having a conversation with coworkers over lunch and we somehow started talking about Iraq and working out there (I have a relative who is an IT contractor for the DOD and is making a ton of money right now.) For most of the conversation we kept referring to the roadside bombs as “IUD’s”.
When we finally realized our mistake, we began debating whether or not we considered it a Freudian slip (seeing as we were all men that either don’t want any more kids or don’t want any at all.)
Tony´s last [type] ..Analysis of a Facebook Faux Pas
tony, thanks for your comment. i actually asked my husband about this one… roadside bombs are referred to as IEDs which stands for “improvised explosive device,” whereas IUD stands for “intrauterine device.”
(((phew))) thank goodness for that distinction.
Hi Sweetie,
I am so sorry.. I don’t see how single parents do it either. My husband just had to leave for 4 days to go help his family… I am glad he could help them but I miss him already… And dealing with a 2 year old and 4 year old by myself for 4 days has me stressed already and he JUST left. I know I should not whine about a couple of days but it’s hard by yourself… Big hug sweetie… It will all work out… =-)
Jodee´s last [type] ..The Princess and the Hunter
Oh, I so am with you on this one. It’s like you’re my scared of baby makin’ twin.
Bam Bam is also two now ,and we want another soon-ish. My husband works full time and goes to grad school at night. He is also all set to join the Coast Gaurd reserves which will take him to training for 6 weeks, then away one weekend a month, and away two full weeks every year. Our families live across the country.
The baby bug bites me every day… little teeny bites that go away very quickly…because of me being terrified and all.
MommyNaniBooboo´s last [type] ..MommyNaniBooboo is having an identity crisis
It is probably one of the scariest situations. I haven’t know you for long, but you *are* strong. If the baby-bug hits, if that’s what happens, you will be able to not only do it, but I’m certain you’ll surprise yourself!
Mia @ Finding Balance´s last [type] ..First Things First-A Jaw Dropping Experience by Marla Roth-Fisch
Nic, I couldn’t relate to you more. I was a terrible military wife too. When he left I was a wreck, and I don’t blame you one bit for holding off because of the fear. Even worse than when he would leave for the military came when he decided to divorce me and I spent 7 months as a single mother, during which I had my third child (He recently came back, yay). I hope you find your “plan”! Good luck, I’m sure you’ll get the chance to have that baby, and it will be at the right time for you.