using the sharpie marker
i sit in a coffee shop. my favorite one in downtown annapolis because it actually does NOT have tourists. it’s a gem to me, this quiet hole-in-the-wall place with a couch in the front window. the couch is covered with a sheet and stained with caffeinated beverages and remnants of scones.
i choose an over-sized chair to sit in near an electrical outlet so i can plug in. my beverage order is taken. i even get a muffin that i’ll probably only eat half of because it’s so enormous. the muffin is placed on a chipped plate, coffee is handed to me and both of these delectable items join my iphone on top of a small mosaic table.
i sit in a coffee stop. i’m wearing my favorite jeans, though it’s over 100 degrees outside today. my jeans that i hardly ever wash because they fit with such comfort that it is as though they are a precious friend, enveloping me in the perfect hug. my hair is unwashed, curls are damp from humidity. my teeth are brushed.
wait.
runs tongue across teeth… tastes colgate.
yup, they are brushed.
but i forgot deodorant.
because i practically ran out the door this morning. this sunday morning. a morning where some families rush out the door to get to church on time… brunch on time… relatives’ houses on time.
i ran out the door to this coffee shop, this sanctuary, to escape.
and i now sit here feeling an overwhelming sense of guilt envelop me.
i have taken time for myself.
**********
my first “real” boss taught me the invaluable lesson of setting boundaries. i say “real” boss because i consider the time i spent working at a women’s crisis center, straight out of grad school, to be my first “real” job… a steady job. the income was crap, but it was a non-profit agency and i have a tendency to forget that one needs money in order to exist.
my emotions and passion had driven me to accept this job in the first place. my “save the world” mentality had entirely taken over and this was the job that was going to prepare me to save the world… from what, i still do not know, but dammit, i was goina save it from something.
anyone who works in a social work environment knows that it is taxing in ways that corporate america is not. i don’t say this to say one is better than the other. they are just simply different and come with different expectations and needs.
clients needs are different. emotions run high. often you operate in “crisis mode” when responding to a client’s needs because usually those needs are immediate. they come to you NOW because they need you NOW.
the day i turned my 2 weeks notice in to my boss, we both cried.
it was hard.
it’s hard to realize that you can’t save the world, no matter how damn hard you try.
she had taught me about boundaries.
she gave me my sharpie marker.
so, i popped the cap off and drew a straight line.
**********
i sit in a coffee shop. i wonder if life is filled with sharpie markers, some with their caps still tightly on, others with ink nearly gone.
i drew a line this morning.
i needed solace.
i knew exactly where i would go.
i drove here, envisioning these words in my mind, beginning this post in my head while sitting at traffic lights.
and yet, i sit here, now writing these words and feel guilty for taking a moment to put myself first.
i check my iphone for a text from my husband, my parents… from anyone who may possibly need me.
no messages.
because i’ve taken out my sharpie marker and drawn a line. no need to put up a sign that says “do not cross.”
the line speaks for itself.
it’s ok for me to say “no” sometimes.
26 Responses to using the sharpie marker
Have a Sip
It IS okay to take time for yourself! Good on ya.
And now Sharpies are going to look like scepters to me.
Nice post. thanks.
Hell yes. I struggle with the same thing. Sometime making time for ourselves brings guilt. But three kids and 10 years later, I NEED it or I am not a good mom. Love the sharpie. I need one too, for lots of other things, much more so than family.
Jenni Williams´s last [type] ..Meet Milo
It’s so hard to do that whole ‘self care’ bit sometimes. I know. With four kids and having worked in that field of which you speak, believe me, I know. I think we are always better for it and so are those who we feel so guilty for ‘abandoning’. Enjoy your day, your jeans, your coffee and your muffin. You deserve it.
Angela´s last [type] ..The Master Bedroom
I’m so proud of you that I got all sniffly.
In a few more years Magoo will be in kindergarten and you’ll get all day long to yourself……..and you’ll love it.
Rebecca´s last [type] ..Repairman
Great post!! I just did the same thing!! I walked away from a taxing job several months ago. Someone else is opening up something similar and asked if I would work WITH her. I still said no. It is no longer for me. I love this post!!
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Love this. I think everyone needs to use their sharpies more often
PrincessJenn´s last [type] ..I’m Leaving On a Jet Plane
Taking that time is so hard…but so worth it and so important for you and your family! I know this in my head…but don’t often practice it. Good for you for pulling out that sharpie!
Tracie´s last [type] ..I Fought With A Color
Oh, so true. Love this post.
Ashley´s last [type] ..Letters of thanks
you are truly inspirational, nic.
I feel that as women and as people who have suffered and want to save others from our fate, we get caught up in “savior” mode, and we feel this overwhelming guilt when we attempt to save ourselves.
so glad you can draw that line, and this post will be a reminder for me to do the same.
wow! You are one wise lady Ms. Up Yours….it took me forty three years to learn it is okay to just say no…..I never could say NO, and then in 1989 I experienced my FIRST major depression…when I am depressed that is all I can say…no no no……but it is so liberating……and once I got the hang of it, I stopped making lame excuses, stopped feeling guilty! No is my new Yes…. the blues are fewer and further between. We have yet another thing in common…..our magic markers…….Love you lots because you share and give. Auntie
Yes, my sweet friend, it is okay to say no whenever you need to. Taking care of yourself is the most important step in ever being able to take care of anyone else.
You should be high on the list of your own priorities. I hope the guilt subsided and you were able to revel in some time alone. <3
I dunno why but reading this post almost made me cry. I teared up. I think because I can relate to feeling bad about taking time for yourself. I haven’t done that in a long time. I was just telling a friend that even when we have a sitter, I’m always out with Hubs. Or sometimes, in a blue moon, with friends. I can’t think of the last time I had more than just my commute to and from work by myself. I’m never home alone. I can’t even pee alone 1/2 the time. I’ve not gotten a pedicure in a year and a half. And yet I feel bad to tell Hubs that I’m leaving to go get one and he’s on kid duty. He’s gone at work at night…I’m here at work all day…our weekends are our only time together. UGH. I rambled. Just wanted to say I get where you’re coming from.
becky´s last [type] ..And then the clouds parted
From a fellow Social Worker to another….kudos!! It is hard and I too had to draw the line. 12 years is enough for me. My kids need me now. Enjoy your time!
Thank you for this perfect reminder of taking care of one’s self. I need to remember to draw with my Sharpie sometimes. I do uncap it and sniff it a lot. That’s gotta count for something.
MommyNaniBooboo´s last [type] ..Project Mom-my NaniBooboo
Good for you for drawing that boundary. As mother’s our mental health and the ability to get away from the daily grind of motherhood is sooo important!
Proud of you!
I am really struggling with this right now. I just can’t seem to do it. I just can not seem to say no, I need some time for just me. I want to read in the quiet, I want to get my toes done, I want to TAKE A NAP! Does that get easier when kids get older? I hope so.
Heather @ Brace Yourselves´s last [type] ..Ugliness
This post is beautiful.
I’m so proud of you for drawing a line, for taking time for yourself, for saying no. I have a really hard time saying no and taking time for myself. I need someone to give me a sharpie and teach me how to set boundaries.
Lisa´s last [type] ..Out and About with a Toddler
Gah. Will never look at a Sharpie the same way again. Brill. Good for you taking time out for yourself and going somewhere…what is that like??? I must find out.
Minky {moo}´s last [type] ..Two The Boss is two
Great post — so true, for all of us. Time for yourself is hard to claim, and really really important to claim. Good for you for drawing the line, is something I have only learned to do the past couple of years, and is a game changer.
I’m am thrilled to have found your blog. It is rather serendipitous, as I have been dealing with a (old) rape situation myself.
I love your honesty, and I really look forward to reading more. Thank you!
Beautiful. I look forward to doing the same.
Hadn’t been by in a long time so I wanted to say hello. This was a fantastic post. Very deep and thoughtful. And you shouldn’t feel guilty. Everyone needs to draw that line sometimes.
Otter´s last [type] ..Fruit and Flower Anniversary
Great post…wish I had a place like that to go to for some quiet. But, I don’t…
jess; [the bottle chronicles]´s last [type] ..15 months
I need to pick up some Sharpies.
I can’t say no. It’s almost impossible. I take on way more than I can, and even put myself in a place where I’m trying to do more than necessary and go out of my way to make things easier on others, when it wasn’t even something that involved me in the first place.
I have too much to say on this. I think I need to write a response on mah ba-log when I get home from work.