i took jackson to the doctor yesterday. he had a rash on the back of his neck, in between his shoulder blades and it was spreading fairly quickly. he itched at it a bit, but for the most part, he was his same old maniacal self… sprinting from one place to another, “jumping like a kangaroo, mom!”

but i watched him and i worried and i wondered.

he’s had a lot of congestion for over a week.

the dark circles under his eyes… that can’t be right.

and as i thought these things to myself, as i mentally recalled each item of food that had been placed in his mouth and possibly caused a reaction, i began to scare myself, to panic and worry.

you would think i would know better by now, that after almost 28 months of being a mother, i’d have the hang of this parenting gig.

*whispers* somedays… i don’t.

so we went. i woke him up from his nap to take him to see the pediatrician because i needed reassurance.

the waiting room was packed and i watched jackson run to the fish tank to tell me, to tell himself, to tell anyone who would listen to him, the colors of each fish in the tank.

i watched him “jumping like a kangaroo, mom!” over to the table of puzzles and start to place pieces where they fit.

and then i watched an older child approach the table.

jackson panicked and ran back to me. he stood in between my legs, gripping on to the left one and repeated, “i’m ok mom? i’m ok?”

“yes baby, you’re fine. he just wants to play too. i can see you. go play.”

and upon receiving reassurance, he did.

so once we were called back to see the doctor, i was ready to receive mine.

i ran through the list of symptoms he has shown recently… the sniffles. no cough. saline drops and humidifier have helped but not cleared the congestion. dark eyes. sleeping more during the day. no temp. the rash that i can’t seem to explain. could it be heat rash? we haven’t been outside hardly at all with the heat index being in the triple digits.

and finally i just said it out loud…

“i don’t know and it scared me.”

the rash was minor… probably some “contact dermatitis,” meaning something he had on him or was in contact with was an irritant to his skin.

“he’s a sensitive kid,” the doctor told me after explaining her diagnosis and watching him play with her “orange hammer for the knees, mom!”

she examined jackson with care and he was so obedient and sweet with her that we celebrated with popsicles after the appointment.

and while we enjoyed our ice cold snack in the air conditioning of our home, i couldn’t help but wonder when the watching and worrying stops… if ever… because i know i am a worrier.

to my detriment, i am a worrier.

i’m not always going to be able to protect my son… or be there for him to grasp hold of my left leg. he’s going to fall and get bruises and scrapes all while “jumping like a kangaroo, mom!”

but sometimes i just want to pick him up and put him in my pouch.