to be continued
some 9 + years ago, i found myself on a plane bound for tampa.
my grandmother picked me up at the airport. i was alone.
it was spring break and i was going to spend 7 days at her condo on the beach.
it was only 7 months since i had been raped.
i don’t remember much from that trip. i couldn’t tell you if i even set foot on the beach or not.
what i do remember is a nap.
my grandmother’s condo sits directly on the beach. upon arriving to her sanctuary, i remember dropping my bags in the hallway, walking out to her balcony and laying face down on a lounge chair.
i slept for well over 3 hours. that entire afternoon had been spent in peaceful slumber.
i woke up to the sound of seagulls, watched them with squinted eyes and wondered where the hell i was.
it was the best nap of my life.
still is.
**********
a year ago, i told my story. to more than just my family and a close friend.
i shared with you all the intimate meaning behind the tattoos that i have… the significance of the color teal.
i shouted it from the roof tops… purging myself.
and i felt incredible. it was a high. i was riding the awesome wave of release. and damn, it felt good.
so last november, i got another.
my story continues to evolve as i continue to evolve as a survivor.
my life continues to evolve as i continue to evolve as a woman.
and while my tattoos share the common thread of rape survivorship, they each stand for something unique… something i choose to honor and remember forever.
because i get easily distracted.
though i’m moving forward, somedays are harder than others.
somedays the steps are miniscule and other days the steps are the length of a mile.
with my 10 year approaching next month, i find myself wanting to propel forward more than ever… carrying with me the good, the bad and the unfortunate.
because all of it… ALL OF IT… is me.
and i want to soar.
“a little help, mom”
WARNING: DO NOT VIEW WHILE CONSUMING A BEVERAGE OR IF YOU HAVE TO PEE… if you do, you will surely spit out the beverage and/or wet your pants.
if you have trouble viewing the video above, click here.
a time continuum of distractions
anything that goes through a gradual transition from one condition, to a different condition, without any abrupt changes
that’s the continuum theory.
i don’t entirely understand it myself… but i’m feeling it. and sometimes we feel things that we don’t understand.
a pull to do something. a wall to keep you from doing something.
i feel a lot of things that i don’t have full grasp of.
and that’s ok.
there’s this pendulum swinging and nothing can stop it. i dodge it. i run circles around it. i tempt it to hit me. i cower from it at times.
but it just continues to swing back and forth.
so i make lists.
on paper.
in my head.
all the things that need to be done. all the things that need to be worked on… myself, my marriage, my life…
(((fill in the blank)))
the pendulum keeps swinging.
i get distracted. thinking. over-thinking. over-analyzing. focusing on the little bits of nothing, keeping myself from looking at the big picture, the whole.
it’s so easy for me to get distracted. easy for me to write this post. to not do the stuff… the work.
on myself.
but, i recognize these distractions. i see my patterns. i catch myself dodging the pendulum.
and i don’t want to do that anymore.
i want to refocus.
i want my story to continue… my life to continue.
it happened… almost 10 years ago.
it did.
no distraction can falsify that or keep me from recognizing it.
and i’m ready.
i’ll need some hand-holding here and there. i know that.
but i’m ready to stop distracting myself from myself.
i’m going to keep going… keep transitioning… keep moving.
forward.
because it’s time.
Have a Sip
