just think how fun he’ll be choosing a college
“mom, i want a movie pleeeeeeaaaase…”
“ok. thank you for asking so nicely. which movie do you want?”
(turn on netflix)
“mom, i want a purple lollipop pleeeeeeeaaaase…”
“ok fine, but first just tell me what movie you want.”
(netflix menu pops up)
“mom i want the kevin movie.” (translation: i want to watch UP)
“alrighty, kevin movie it is.”
(goes to pantry to retrieve purple lollipop. opening credits of movie play in background.)
“MOM IT’S MR. FREDRICKSON!!!!!”
“alright bud, here’s your purple lollipop.”
“no, i don’t want that.”
::sigh::
“ok well you just said you wanted a purple lollipop.”
“mom, i want a bluuuuuuuue one pleeeeeeeeaaaaase?”
“ok but that’s it. no more lollipop exchanges. no returns on this one.”
(goes and gets blue lollipop. grateful that dum dums come in ENORMOUS bags.)
“mom i want a chocolate.”
“WHAT?!?!”
“i want a chocolate like kevin. kevin likes the chocolate.”
(kevin is a bird in the movie he’s watching, which PS: if you haven’t see UP, something is wrong with you.)
“no jackson. kevin has the chocolate. jackson has the blue lollipop.”
“mom, i can have a orange?”
(hmm, sounds good. i kinda want one myself. peels orange.)
“mom, i want THE BABY orange pleeeeeeaaaase.” (translation: clementine)
“okie doke.”
(peels clementine)
“orange is JUICY mom.”
“yes, baby it is.”
“i’m all done?”
“you just had one bite, what do you mean you’re done?”
“mom, i want the builder movie.”
::rolls eyes::
“no way dude. enough with bob the builder.”
“mom, i want the builder movie with the roads.”
“jackson, no. you asked to watch the kevin movie, so that’s what is staying on.”
“MOM I WANT THE BUILDER MOVIE WITH THE ROADS!!!!!!!”
“no. that’s not how we ask for things. don’t yell again or you’ll have to get a time out.”
“hmpf…” (followed by pouty face and furrowed brow.)
“mom, i can play with my diggers?”
“yes baby, you can play with your diggers and trucks.”
“mom, i can play diggers with bob movie on?”
::BLINK::
::BLINK BLINK::
“no, jackson. we’re not changing the movie again. you can play with your toys while the kevin movie is on.”
“ok mom.”
“um, i want a gara bar mom.” (translation: granola bar)
“ok, how about we take our granola bar to the table and do a puzzle?”
“OK MOM!!!! THE FARM PUZZLE WITH THE TRACTORS AND THE COW GOES ‘MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.’”
“yes baby, we can do the farm puzzle.”
(open box of puzzle pieces, dump puzzle pieces on table, granola bar remnants litter the table)
“mom…”
(starting to sort puzzle pieces)
“yes jackson, what’s up?”
“mom i want the fire truck puzzle.”
in gratitude for all ye of the internet and also those select few who have had to hold my hair back
there are a select few people in my life who i know will be there for me, no matter what.
i could be in jail and they would bail me out. i could be holding someone hostage at knife point (because guns scare me) and they would be my hostage negotiator. i could be hugging a toilet seat, puking up tequila (i hate tequila) and know my hair will be held back.
i can count those people on one hand, and they most definitely know who they are and how grateful i am for having them in my life.
i’m hoping that those of you who are reading this have one person, a few people, like that for yourselves.
a blogger who i have admired for a long time emailed me, a few months ago, and shared some words that really resonated with me. i had been in a slump with blogging a few months back… not knowing what to post, what not to post, where to draw my boundaries. and i reached out to her. much to my surprise, she wrote back.
her words meant so much to me because she described what i am describing to you… community. granted, it means different things to different people, but there’s something magical that happens when a vulnerable moment is shared and someone nods their head and says, “i hear you.”
earlier this week, jenny, the bloggess, came out in a very candid post about her mental health. i highly suggest you read it. it’s raw and beautiful and respectable in so many ways.
i heard her.
it is no secret that i have been battling my own demons concerning my own mental health and its current instability. i’ve posted about it a number of times over the last couple of months.
and yesterday i found myself back at square one… back on medication.
there is a disappointment that i’m currently feeling about succumbing to a combination of pills to help me get myself back to being… myself. there is sadness that i feel in knowing that paul and i will have to put off trying for another baby until i can get myself stabilized and eventually back off some of the medication.
and while battling these feelings of mine, it was suggested to me, by one of my closest friends, a confidant (a hair-holder-backer if you will) that i write about it. and then it was suggested by this same friend that i talk about it in a live chat that i hosted yesterday.
so i did.
and i was blown away with the kindness, support, and sharing of ideas that took place in that forum yesterday. i’m grateful to those of you who showed up to bare your souls and say “me too.”
this morning, i am brought back to that email from a fellow blogger, the one from a few months ago, and i’m reminded of her beautiful words, of my true community of beautiful people in my life. i’m so grateful for them.
and i’m so grateful for you as well. thank you, truly. you were heard.
wherein i start from square one
i was grocery shopping with jackson a few weeks ago, and i left the store with only a head of romaine and some fruit snacks. the cart that i had been using while i shopped was left in the middle of an aisle. i don’t know what aisle nor do i know what else was in the cart. i just know that i took jackson out of the cart, paid for the romaine and fruit snacks, and went out to my car where i proceeded to take my own pulse and then drive back home.
i should’ve known then that this would manifest itself again. and i think part of me did know that i was heading back towards the land of wackadoo. but the land of denial is such a safe and comforting place at times. it’s hard to leave ones snuggly environment of familiarity and actually face REALITY.
the reality that i miscarried in november didn’t hit me immediately. holidays, and traveling, and a two and a half year old little boy who needed to talk to santa about the yellow fire truck he so desperately wanted happened. impending orders about an impending move take precedence and projects come up.
life happens. things continue moving forward.
but my mind takes a little longer to move. it’s a stubborn bitch, this mind of mine.
i thought i could battle this without going back on my previous cocktail of 3 pills a day. when we decided we wanted to try for another baby, it took work to properly wean off. but i did it, dammit. i did it and was good for a while… a good long while. i was strong, functional, ready.
hooray for unprotected, baby-making sex!
but then it didn’t happen.
and then i started to spiral. daily tasks seemed to be really REALLY HARD to accomplish. the tears flowed freely. the urge to smack paul upside the head for not “getting it.”
my head, man. there is something wrong in my head.
i panic. a lot. and over shit that i shouldn’t be panicking about. but i do.
ya see? i can’t turn the damn thing off. my brain… it keeps going. day in and day out… a million miles an hour and it circles round and round and round until you just go with it and see wherever it ends up. but then it never ends up anywhere because it’s going in a circle.
i’m sorry, i should’ve started this post with a disclaimer. i’m angry and i’m going to totally overshare.
what’s that you say? you don’t want oversharing? nonsense.
paul has come home from work earlier than usual. he has emptied the dishwasher. he has taken on more nights of cooking dinner than his alloted wednesday and saturday each week.
AND I STILL FIND IT ALL TO BE SO IRRITATING.
he asks me what he can do to help and I JUST DON’T KNOW. STOP ASKING ME MORE QUESTIONS. STOP MAKING ME THINK MORE THAN I ALREADY THINK.
so i’ve been back in this place where i’ve been before and i’ve gotten all “oh shit, i know what this feels like and i know what this means when i feel like this…” because here i am again.
i’m paralyzed by the anxiety that takes over my mind. it keeps me from grocery shopping for christ’s sake!
last month i was at my doctor, assessing the state of my crazy, and she put me on a small dose of meds, meds that were safe for a potential pregnancy. but it wasn’t enough.
so i went back this morning and told her my crazy had taken me hostage.
her recommendation was that we go back on the 3 meds that i have had success with in the past and take some time to stabilize me.
it sucks. it’s a crushing blow to the gut. i worked to get off my meds, to have another baby, and i’m back here again.
i’m pissed. but i know this is better for me right now. it’s better for all of us.
jackson deserves better.
so fine chemicals and concoctions… i submit… again.
family planning a la navy
(couple sits down, each with their calendar…)
“i’m ovulating…”
“we talked about this. i may be deployed 10 months from now.”
“yeah but i’m really feeling it this time… like it could happen…”
“yeah me too, but i’m also feeling that i may be deployed 10 months from now, in which case i’d miss my baby being born.”
“ok well then we should wait.”
“yeah let’s wait.”
“how long do we wait?”
“i don’t know, how long do you want to wait?”
“well, i don’t want to wait at all. you’re making me wait, us wait, as it is…”
“ok well i don’t want any of this but it’s kinda out of my control.”
“don’t put this on me, you’re the one in the military.”
“ok… let’s calm down… we want another baby. we just need to figure out when.”
“we didn’t ‘figure out when’ with our first one, incase you forgot.”
“i’m well aware of that, but since we have the luxury of planning, i thought we should consider everything.”
“in considering ‘everything’ did you consider that we’d be planning when to have another kid according to your career?!?!?”
“no! there are plenty of things to consider, and my career just happens to be one of them…”
“this is so THE ARGUMENT.”
“what?!?”
“THE ARGUMENT?!?!”
“what the hell are you talking about?!?!”
“this is THE ARGUMENT… you being all ‘let’s live our lives according to THE MAN’ and me being all ‘let’s just do what we FEEL.’”
“oh jesus.”
“yeah sure, talk to god now.”
(a) good morning
while snuggling with a feetie-clad jackson this morning, i’ve been scoping out some new blogs. it amazes me when i catch a small glimpse of how many blogs are out in the world right now.
needless to say, i’m enjoying being a reader at the moment.
and then i stumbled across this… which seemed gloriously appropriate given the way i’ve been feeling lately. i couldn’t not share it with you.
Have a Sip
