i sit and listen.

i don’t want to listen but i can’t not listen, ya know?

this knowledge of a struggle going on in another room… you have been dismissed from it, but you know the tension exists.

it’s still there. and so you listen… like i listen.

you can’t un-know something.

so i write.

**********

we’ve been down this road before. granted, it was a while ago. sometimes it feels like a lifetime ago. but we’ve been here before. we know the path… the curves that the road takes, the rocks that we have stumbled over before.

and now we’re here again.

jackson’s eating is our nemesis.

it’s been getting worse over the last couple of months, and, as always, it’s easy to be distracted by other things… holidays, school, trips, ANYTHING. but it’s gotten worse.

that’s the conclusion i reached tonight as i watched him digest only 4 bites of chicken.

and that’s what i said to paul at the dinner table.

“this is getting worse.”

**********

occasionally i get an email from someone who came across my blog by googling something about pediatric feeding disorders or breast feeding allergy related stuff. when i am contacted, there is a moment of relief.

sick relief.

i say “sick” because upon the initial contact, i am instantaneously brought into their world of pediatric food refusal. and it’s sad. to know of another parent out there who is struggling and wanting so desperately to understand WHY THEIR KID WON’T EAT.

it’s fucking maddening.

and i’m sad to learn of this affecting someone else’s life.

but then i am aware that someone else out there is struggling with the same thing we struggle(d) with.

and i’m not alone.

so then i become grateful. thankful that my words in this place resonated with someone enough that they felt compelled to share a bit about them and their story.

a connection is made.

**********

and then i’m brought back to the here and now. i’m brought back to the fight that we fight with jackson. the feeding issues that have existed from the very start. the history of our under-weight child.

the feeding issues that took this blog from being a baby book of sorts to truly becoming an outlet for me, allowing me to have a voice in moments of desperation.

shit, it’s crazy when i think back on it all and how this began.

and i stop and realize that i’m only thinking about it because i have been dismissed from the dining table and i’m sitting back at my office, typing these words.

my fight was taxing on us all.

i needed a break.

my partner took over.

i can hear the struggle still…

“you need to chew and swallow.”

“eat your food.”

and now with jackson being mere months away from 3 years old, he retorts, “chew and swallow, mommy,” but only when necessary. only when i am in front of him with another bite, ready on the spoon.

he has learned to manipulate.

did i teach him that?

**********

i don’t know how to navigate these waters. just when i think i’m coming up for air, i’m drowning in something else. wading in the deep end and growing exhausted.

is that what parenthood is?

a constant battle? an ongoing feud?

because in this household, it’s heading back in that all-too-familiar direction.

and i don’t like it one damn bit.

**********

they’re laughing now.

goofing off… a ticklefest, i imagine.

and so i’m going to join them.

continue to be present.

and remember to breathe.