wherein i start from square one
i was grocery shopping with jackson a few weeks ago, and i left the store with only a head of romaine and some fruit snacks. the cart that i had been using while i shopped was left in the middle of an aisle. i don’t know what aisle nor do i know what else was in the cart. i just know that i took jackson out of the cart, paid for the romaine and fruit snacks, and went out to my car where i proceeded to take my own pulse and then drive back home.
i should’ve known then that this would manifest itself again. and i think part of me did know that i was heading back towards the land of wackadoo. but the land of denial is such a safe and comforting place at times. it’s hard to leave ones snuggly environment of familiarity and actually face REALITY.
the reality that i miscarried in november didn’t hit me immediately. holidays, and traveling, and a two and a half year old little boy who needed to talk to santa about the yellow fire truck he so desperately wanted happened. impending orders about an impending move take precedence and projects come up.
life happens. things continue moving forward.
but my mind takes a little longer to move. it’s a stubborn bitch, this mind of mine.
i thought i could battle this without going back on my previous cocktail of 3 pills a day. when we decided we wanted to try for another baby, it took work to properly wean off. but i did it, dammit. i did it and was good for a while… a good long while. i was strong, functional, ready.
hooray for unprotected, baby-making sex!
but then it didn’t happen.
and then i started to spiral. daily tasks seemed to be really REALLY HARD to accomplish. the tears flowed freely. the urge to smack paul upside the head for not “getting it.”
my head, man. there is something wrong in my head.
i panic. a lot. and over shit that i shouldn’t be panicking about. but i do.
ya see? i can’t turn the damn thing off. my brain… it keeps going. day in and day out… a million miles an hour and it circles round and round and round until you just go with it and see wherever it ends up. but then it never ends up anywhere because it’s going in a circle.
i’m sorry, i should’ve started this post with a disclaimer. i’m angry and i’m going to totally overshare.
what’s that you say? you don’t want oversharing? nonsense.
paul has come home from work earlier than usual. he has emptied the dishwasher. he has taken on more nights of cooking dinner than his alloted wednesday and saturday each week.
AND I STILL FIND IT ALL TO BE SO IRRITATING.
he asks me what he can do to help and I JUST DON’T KNOW. STOP ASKING ME MORE QUESTIONS. STOP MAKING ME THINK MORE THAN I ALREADY THINK.
so i’ve been back in this place where i’ve been before and i’ve gotten all “oh shit, i know what this feels like and i know what this means when i feel like this…” because here i am again.
i’m paralyzed by the anxiety that takes over my mind. it keeps me from grocery shopping for christ’s sake!
last month i was at my doctor, assessing the state of my crazy, and she put me on a small dose of meds, meds that were safe for a potential pregnancy. but it wasn’t enough.
so i went back this morning and told her my crazy had taken me hostage.
her recommendation was that we go back on the 3 meds that i have had success with in the past and take some time to stabilize me.
it sucks. it’s a crushing blow to the gut. i worked to get off my meds, to have another baby, and i’m back here again.
i’m pissed. but i know this is better for me right now. it’s better for all of us.
jackson deserves better.
so fine chemicals and concoctions… i submit… again.
21 Responses to wherein i start from square one
Have a Sip
That sucks and is a dissapointment. I think the good news is you know that you have felt better before and been able to ween off the meds and be okay. So, it is possible. You are right it is better for everyone. Still, I know it is not the plan you had and for that I feel bad for you. I’m thinking of you.
you owe it to yourself to do what’s best for you, paul, jackson AND whatever baby/ies will grace your future! you have to be healthy to thrive and take on the world and be all the nic you can be! it’s totally fine to be sad and disappointed about your plans/expectations not working out as you’d hoped, but PLEASE don’t feel guilty, ok mama? would you feel guilty if you were battling cancer or diabetes that meant it would be safest to delay getting pregnant? well, your mental wellbeaing is JUST as important as being physically well. take care of you, keep your chin up, and KNOW that you are an incredible person & mama. and hopefully i will get to tell you so very soon in person when you’re here in my neck of the woods!
so many hugs to ye.
XOXOXOXO!!!
emily bilbrey´s last [type] ..pooksville family style post 9
You’re not starting from square one. You weaned yourself off and that was huge. You weren’t sure you could even do that. But you did.
You’re under a huge amount of stress right now, so cut yourself some slack.
Sometimes we have to take a couple steps back to move forward again.
So take some time, a handful of happy pills, a glass of wine, and get back to where you need to be.
HUGS
xoxo
PrincessJenn´s last [type] ..Jenn’s Guide to Melatonin
I can sympathize with your disappointment with the meds. I had a relapse after being off for almost a year. I wasn’t even aware a relapse could happen. No one told me. I only knew there was something wrong in my head too. I couldn’t focus, I couldn’t think straight. I knew I shouldn’t be angry at my 6 yo when we are shopping and she tells me she has to potty. I knew I shouldn’t be angry my 2 yo dumps his smoothie while sitting in his stroller. It happens. It’s what kids do. It was me that wasn’t right.
My heart broke minutes after words were out of my mouth sometimes. I didn’t want to be that yelling and angry mom that felt she was out of control at the drop of a hat. Like you said, our kids deserve better. So, I too, chose to restart the meds.
For now.
Until other family issues get resolved it’s what needed to be done.
You’ll get there again. You are too strong not to.
Karen Hartzell, Graco´s last [type] ..Around Town with the New Signature Series 3-in-1 Stroller from Graco
There is nothing to be ashamed of. You got help when you needed it. Too many people are too afraid or too stupid to do that. Take care of yourself. I hope with this everything calms down for you and you can find some peace.
Otter´s last [type] ..UltrasoundsAnd Twins!
I know it sucks and it isn’t what you had hoped for but sometimes before we can move forward, make progress we have to pause and even take some steps back. If being on these meds gets you back to a better place that is a good thing. You need to take care of you. This time you know that weaning yourself off them is possible so when you feel it is time again you know you can do it.
Love you babe. Many hugs.
Lisa´s last [type] ..Tiny Pitter-Patters
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Please don’t beat yourself up! I have no problems admitting that I too take something prescribed by my doctor. When I thought I was tough and quit my meds, basically because I ran out I spiraled so far down that I thought I was losing it! I now know I will never get off them! It is truly a blessing and I don’t feel I am crazy. The world is a hard place and so much pain (I lost my mother 8 years ago suddenly). Whatever can make you feel good (as long as it’s prescribed
) then please just do it!
Hope you feel better!
Megan
1 Funky Woman´s last [type] ..Its Friday night are you ready to party
Hey Sake — I love you. I don’t think you realize how much you do for other people when you are so open and honest about your anxiety. You are going to get through this — don’t be so hard on yourself! I really respect you for knowing when to ask for help and being willing to accept it.
You are not alone. I also suffer with anxiety and partial seizures of the brain. I’ve been on medication for a couple years now too and feel almost normal again. I totally know where you are coming from, its so frustrating. My husband and I have started trying for our first baby, and I’m afraid to go off the meds, in fear that my mind will go crazy again. *hugs*
Katrina´s last [type] ..Project 31 – Day 3
Your posts have a way of wriggling into my thoughts and settling there where I turn them over and over. I’m struck by how quickly you recognized you were in trouble and took steps to help yourself. It speaks to your bravery, honesty, maturity and love for your family. I hope the medicine helps make things right in short order.
Dana´s last [type] ..Good news- bad news- no news
thank you dana. that means a lot to me. i suppose i’m quick to recognize the trouble i’m in because this has been a part of my life for as long as i can remember. i’ve learned what my triggers are and my signs. that day in the grocery store with jackson was a huge red flag for me.
thank you for your kind words.
Hi Nicole – I agree you are not starting from square one. You have your meds that you KNOW helps. You have a supportive doctor, You have a supportive husband.
it is so difficult to grieve a miscarriage. there is so much to do everyday, and ppl are supportive, they try, but it is the dream of the child, the dream of the baby and the reality of the little soul who didnt come….we need to mourn it all….
you dont need to let go before you are ready, actually you really cant rush this grief process….and it was NOT a long time ago….
sometimes doing some expressive work helps like a collage or dancing to music in the house with your son…or gathering up flowers or leaves to let them fall over a bridge for your little soul who has gone back to God…
peace, Kathy
Thank you so much for your words today. Here and in the BF discussion. It helps so much to know we’re not alone. That it’s OK to do something for yourself sometimes, especially when it makes you a better mother and spouse. Because nobody can be the best mother, friend, woman, etc with severe anxiety or depression. It doesn’t work.
Lolli @ Better in Bulk´s last [type] ..Biggest Loser at Home with @mgCheerios
lolli, thank you so much for joining in on that blogfrog discussion this morning. i was really nervous about it, but a trusted friend guided me to talk about it… otherwise, i would just continue to keep it quiet which does no help for anyone. really appreciate your insight today.
Mama, you are caring for yourself and there is no shame in that. Personally I’m delighted that you recognized your need for help and sought it out. YOu know that old saying, “If mama ain’t happy…” etc? Truth. One of the psychs that I consulted about my son told me that statistically, if moms are OK, then families tend to do better and be more stable. If mom is not OK things fall apart.
I would rather see you functioning happily than struggling miserably. The price you pay for that struggle is just not worth it. {{{{Hugs}}}}
Barnmaven´s last [type] ..We have a plan
I’m so sorry I was so wrapped up in things that I missed everything in November. I know it’s frustrating, but it will be worth it to feel better, love. <3 <3
Kellee´s last [type] ..B30 Final Update- Dun dun dun DONE!
What to say…this sucks. You know that it does. I know that it does. I’ve been there. Just know that you’re not alone that you are not to blame. You are a strong fearing
Momma and you will kick this in the pants. I know you will. It will get better. It has before and you know you have that fight still in you. You can do this!
(((hugs)))
Kimberly´s last [type] ..What’s Funner Than Getting Needles Jammed In Your Spine
Oh, so tough. So many competing priorities–getting pregnant, feeling healthy and strong, being a mom, being just you. Although I don’t know you in person, Nicole, you seem to have a tough, fighting spirit. And I imagine that will carry you through. Good for you for recognizing the need for help and sounding the alarm. Denial is a seductive but dangerous place.
Dana Udall-Weiner´s last [type] ..From Barbie to Bieber- The Land of Girls
oh, love
this was so heartbreaking to read. but you know yourself better than anyone else and it’s important to do what’s best for your little family, and ultimately, YOU. things will fall into place the way they’re supposed to, when the time is right. in the meantime, i’m sending you hundreds of hugs, and millions of cuddles.
xx
elle´s last [type] ..remember that time i almost became a pirate … like- permanently
Alexandria´s last [type] ..Snow is like Motherhood Motherhood like the snow