let it be known, my son turned 3 last month. also, i’m a lazy ass, and found comfort in diapering my kid. why? i refer you back to LAZY ASS.

it’s hard to potty train a kid. there are methods and theories and shit and before you know it, stuff is jumbled and contradicting one another and you don’t know what the hell to do, and all of a sudden, your kid is running circles around the dining room table, absolutely naked, because YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

so… as i am in the SPANKIN MIDDLE of this potty training thing (because dammit if i have to spend more money at target on diapers and not on self-tanning lotion or sunglasses), i thought i would share 10 ways i have failed, so you don’t have to.

you’re welcome.

1. don’t miss the window of opportunity: in other words, when your kiddo starts doing the pee pee dance, embrace the toilet. make the introduction. encourage the use of the toilet. (translation: DON’T BE A LAZY ASS.)

2. pull-ups are diapers: and a waste of (target) money.

3. the “big kid” theory only goes so far: reassuring your kiddo that “big kids pee in the potty” doesn’t always fly, because you *may* have a smart ass like my kid who then asks for his diaper back “if he grows down” in lieu of growing up.

4. two M&Ms aren’t worth a shit: literally. i read something that suggested using 1 M&M as a victory treat for pee and 2 M&Ms for poop would encourage toilet training. our kid’s toilet equation is something along the lines of 1 drip of urine = 1 M&M (technically correct but entirely missing the point) and 1 shart = 2 M&Ms (i mean, it is poop after all… WRONG!!!)

5. when you have a boy, have a trusted male figure teach your son how to hold his business: this will keep your son from pinching his business in the hopes of obtaining 1 M&M.

6. if/when you have a girl… i don’t know: look elsewhere, or check back here in a few years.

7. flushing *can* be a privilege: it is not possible for me go to the bathroom without my son following me, giving me toilet tissue, and then BEGGING to flush the toilet. “no no,” i say… NO NO… he can flush his own damn toilet when his own shit is in it. (bribery at its finest.)

8. “targets” are not always on the money: if you have a boy and toss cheerios into the potty to use as a target for his weapon, keep in mind that your boy may look for other “targets” to toss in. good times.

9. training potties are the equivalent of that red plastic cup you had at keg parties: as soon as you pop your kiddo on the cushioned, kiddie-friendly, BIG POTTY SEAT, the plastic mini toilet that you spent $35 on will cease to exist. again, waste of (target) money.

10. privacy while pooping is GOLDEN: you don’t like to shit while conversing with others, do you? nuff said. find a way to give them that moment to themselves. i suggest reading materials, an iphone, or any thing else you would want to spend 20 minutes educating yourself with.

full disclaimer: my husband helped me in the creation of this list. we were not compensated in any form or fashion and all opinions are of our own. this post has nothing to do with target. we just shop there a lot. also, we are not “parenting experts,” or “potty-training experts,” or an “expert” of anything at all. we simply have a kid who took his first dump in the toilet last night, so we took a moment to reflect on that GREAT ACCOMPLISHMENT.