during the summers of 1996 through 1999, i earned money to buy my first fake id by working as a lifeguard at various pools in the atlanta suburbs. it was a decent enough job with a good hourly wage, fun kids to work with, and free snickers and gobbstoppers. i would clock in and spend my days wearing too little sunscreen and learning too many whistle tricks.

i’ve seen my fair share of asshole kids freshly out of school, drunk on summer freedom, who repeatedly got yelled at for running, yelled at for dunking a smaller kid, yelled at for sneaking in the pool during “adult swim,” and yelled at for sinking coke cans at the bottom of the pool. before it was empty.

(i’ve also been that asshole kid.)

now that i’m a parent, i’m not only concerned for my child’s safety around a pool, but i’m finding myself more and more concerned about other kids being dickheads while their parents set the dickhead example.

with that said, i found that having just one pool rule sums everything up.

DON’T BE AN ASSHOLE.

seriously, is it that hard to be kind to someone and say “sorry” when inadvertently splashing someone you didn’t intend to splash, or “thank you” when someone holds the bathroom door open for you while watching you walk in with nothing on your feet?

is it that hard to keep an eye on your own kid? you don’t have to go all helicopter-parent-at-the-pool, but at least be aware of when your kid is the kid who is shoving other kids into the pool. in other words, keep your eyes open. it’s too hot out to fall asleep out in the sun. i know you’re not asleep. you would die falling asleep in these temperatures. quit faking it.

is it really that hard to discipline your own kid? i hope you don’t expect other parents to do it for you. i have a kid of my own. i don’t need to discipline yours too. that’s your job. so when your kid is the one taking the squirt gun right out of my kid’s hand to then turn it on him and open fire, that would be a good time for you to step in and parent your child.

and, is it that hard to share pool toys with someone else? we’re going to see one another at the pool throughout the entire summer. we may not “know” one another, but we recognize one another. we don’t have to be best friends in order for our kids to throw the beach ball together. there’s no need to act like i am a leper and give me and my kid the stink eye when he asks your kid if he can join in the fun. i don’t see your kid giving me the stink eye. i see YOU giving me the stink eye. your sunglasses can only hide so much.

is it too much to ask that your kid takes turns? diving board, water slide, volleyball… whatever it is, just take turns. yes that means that you may have to wait a minute, maybe even two, before doing your flying squirrel but trust me, it’s much appreciated by everyone around you. and if you take turns, no one is going to think you’re an asshole.

and lastly, is it that difficult to clean up after yourself? really? i like flavor-ice as much as the next person. what i don’t like is finding your flavor-ice wrapper attached to my butt when i get up from my lounge chair. i’m pretty certain there are trash cans located in various places around the pool. use them please so that i can stop fantasizing about throwing you in one of them.

all of this boils down to one simple rule… DON’T BE AN ASSHOLE.

and, bonus, all of these little lessons that i just shared with you can be applied to many other scenarios that don’t involve a pool.

you’re welcome.

also, don’t forget your sunscreen. kthanksbye.