acknowledgement and allowances
to-do lists fill my desk. notes and reminders and phone calls to be made. there’s not enough time… there’s too much time… there’s time that you wish you were spending differently than you currently are…
and in amongst the holiday stress, the cooking, the NOISE, shopping and entertaining and prepping, the UPS man at your front door, the holiday cards that still have not been sent… you find a way to breathe, if only for a moment. something occurs that allows you to make peace with the chaos and inhale a bit of joy.
the clock keeps ticking, moments continue to pass by with gusto and ferocity, and out of nowhere you hear laughter.
it takes a brief second for you to realize that the laughter is your own… which is so strange because just moments prior, you were certain that your head was going to explode and ooze out your ugly stress and angst and panic.
you pause and acknowledge the moment. your laughter quiets just a bit. you find you’re still smiling. it’s not that you have forgotten the hectic things that cloud your mind. they certainly haven’t gone anywhere, gotten any better, changed their status in any way. stress is still very much there, but the all-consuming nature of it has lifted… if only for a moment.
and for that snippet of time, you are free. you allow yourself to feel ok. good even.
it’s as though your brain reconciles with itself. it doesn’t let go of your stress, the stresses around you. it doesn’t allow you to forget the things that keep you up at night. but it loosens its grip.
and you happily acknowledge the momentary release of pain.
**********
if you could spare some words of encouragement, maybe light a candle, send some good juju to our dear friends, acknowledging their heroic strength, it would be so greatly appreciated. if i could take just a moment of their anguish away, i would. and if you could take a moment to offer them some love, i know it would lessen their pain just a bit. you can read their latest update here.
NO MORE BAIL FOR SANDUSKY
jerry sandusky posted his $250,000 bail this morning, and has been released.
he has racked up more than 50 charges to date. he spent last night in jail.
he is now out. again. which is dumb.
::standing on soapbox for a moment::
i’d like to take a moment to tackle this “child sex abuse” terminology that has been rampant in the media concerning these allegations against sandusky.
CHILD SEX = RAPE
CHILD SEX ABUSE = RAPE
SEX ABUSE SCANDAL INVOLVING CHILDREN = RAPE
::stepping off soapbox::
Under the terms of his release, Sandusky will be confined to his home, subject to electronic monitoring and forbidden from having any contact with any witnesses or victims in the attorney general investigation.
Sandusky was jailed Wednesday on 12 new charges of child sex abuse after a grand jury report released details of testimony from two new alleged victims.
Sandusky was charged last month with sexually abusing 8 other boys over a 15-year span. He maintains his innocence. -via abcnews.com
crimes aside. rape allegations aside. child sex abuse charges aside… what chaps my ass at this moment in time is that sandusky has the option of bail. he continues to make bail and will continue to do so until bail is no longer an option for him.
the man should be behind bars, period. no bail.
and here’s why: no one is being protected with sandusky making bail. NO ONE. obviously his victims are not being protected. their assailant is confined to his home. those brave individuals who came forward (and are still coming forward) are not being protected so long as sandusky is able to post bail.
also, (and i personally couldn’t care less about sandusky’s safety, for the record) the truth of the matter is that sandusky is not being protected either. he is safer behind bars than he is on house-arrest.
bail should no longer be an option for sandusky. no one is being protected by offering him bail.
ps- dear media, call it what it is… IT IS RAPE.
slipping away
over the last few weeks, i have felt my brain slowly slipping away to the land of panic and tension and fear. some days i worry that it’s the pregnancy screwing with my head, and other days it’s circumstantial things that have nothing to do with me but everything to do with me. and i take it all on as my own.
the sleeplessness has returned. the tears are RIGHT THERE. the heaviness and weight of it all feels paralyzing at times.
do you ever find that you are surrounded by people, loving people, well-intentioned people, and yet you feel utterly alone?
logic tells me this is a difficult time of year. the holidays are rough on everyone for varying reasons. the end of a new year and beginning of another brings on feelings and emotions that i am not yet ready to deal with. so i’ve been stuffing. i’ve been swallowing and stuffing and pushing these feelings down in the hopes that they bury themselves somewhere. i don’t know where exactly but somewhere. should they surface, i’ll have to deal with them and i simply don’t want to do that right now.
paul worked late last night, so i took jackson on a dinner date to panera. i watched him play with his batman and joker super heros, enjoy his grilled cheese, make faces at another little boy who i think wanted his batman and joker super heros, and just enjoy a change of pace.
as much as i relished some one-on-one time with my quickly growing little man, i couldn’t help but think of the dinner dates jackson and i have ahead of us come spring time when paul deploys. and then i couldn’t help but think about the fact that HOLY SHIT I’M HAVING A BABY WITHOUT HIM come april. and then i thought about how quickly time passes and how i am half way through this pregnancy… half way to delivering this little girl without my partner by my side.
how do you bring a life into a world without the love of your life being there?
and yes, it could be worse. i could be in the shoes of my 33 year old friend who is awaiting a double mastectomy next week for breast cancer that was luckily found with early detection. i could be in the shoes of our dearest friends, jackson’s godparents, who are awaiting results on their 2 year old daughter’s MRI and lumbar puncture to determine her course of treatment. because that’s what you do after your twin daughter has a brain tumor removed… you wait.
there is always someone who has it worse off than you do, just in the same way that there is always someone who has it better off than you do. it’s what you do with what you have been given that i’m trying to figure out. and given my brain and what it has a tendency to do, i’m struggling with that at this moment in time.
i’m hopeful. most days, i’m hopeful. and i do have support. but i feel it.
i feel myself slipping away from myself.
practice
jackson has a christmas concert in 2 weeks.
i would rehearse the songs with him, but i don’t want to make jackson feel bad with my perfect pitch.
paul would rehearse the songs with him, but paul is tone deaf.
trust me, it’s better this way. for everyone.
it should be noted that my child is making his southern parents proud with his JANGLE BELLS JANGLE BELLS… JANGLE AWWWWL THE WAY…
i’m failry certain that gains him some extra biscuits in his stockin’ or sumthin.
if you can’t view the video above, click here.
googling ailments leads you here
if you were to google ’round ligament pain’ you would be given a ton conflicting information (like most things when it comes to internet-diagnosing yourself for whatever is pestering you. which is why i continue to google my pregnancy ailments. because that makes sense.)
you’ll read that ’round ligament pain’ is sharp. and dull. and a shooting pain. and only lasts a few seconds. but is also a longer-lasting ache.
you’ll read that it can lead to cramping, but if it does, you should call your doctor.
but then you’ll read that the sharp, stabbing pain can lead to lower abdominal cramping. so that’s fun.
and then you’ll read about calling your doctor if there is also nausea and vomiting associated with the sharp but dull shooting but longer-lasting pain because IT’S NOT LIKE YOU HAVE NAUSEA AND VOMITING AT ANY OTHER POINT THROUGHOUT PREGNANCY.
it’s not at all confusing. actually, it’s pretty straight forward.
which is why i have been on the phone with my obgyn’s nurse most mornings of this week, and is also why i have a prenatal massage scheduled for tomorrow morning.
because i’m totally on top of knowing my body and understanding all of its happenings. i’ve been to this horse-and-pony ride before.
my body is totally a wonderland.
Have a Sip
