Archive for the ‘anxiety’ Category

so. this is a post about my current medication situation.

in other words, feel free to close the browser if you have nothing helpful or insightful to contribute.

here is what i love about the blogging world: readers and commenters have passionate opinions and are willing to share them in an open environment.

here’s is what i don’t love about the blogging world: readers and commenters have passionate opinions and are willing to share them in an open environment.

within the blogging world there is a sizable community of those who struggle/battle/are challenged with some form of anxiety. there are millions of theories as to why this is… however, that’s not what this post is about.

this post is about my current medication situation with regards to my general anxiety disorder and acute panic attacks.

again, feel free to close your browser. no hard feelings.

months ago, i wrote this post about having the baby bug. a couple of months after that, i wrote this post about having my IUD removed to get the party started on magoo 2.0. and then last month came, and i wrote this post about my baby bug being squashed.

paul and i have discussed trying for another baby this fall. DISCUSSED. i take this very seriously for a number of reasons… we have a lot to consider in terms of paul’s work and timing when it comes to expanding our family. that’s a biggie. we have a lot to consider in terms of jackson’s needs as a 2 and a half year old little boy who STARTS SCHOOL next month.

holy shit.

as for me, i have a lot to consider in terms of my mental health and well-being. anxiety disorder has always played a significant role in my life. i am medicated for it. there is a combination of drugs that work to keep the chemicals in my brain balanced and my panic attacks at bay.

i’m not ashamed of this. it’s not easy to relinquish a sense of control over oneself to a pill, or a combo of pills, but for me it is necessary and i have come to terms with that fact.

in order for magoo 2.0 to be conceived in the most healthy way, i need to be off my meds for the most part.

does this mean i’m going to go bat-shit crazy once i am sufficiently weaned off my medication??? quite possibly.

does this mean i’m going to go bat-shit crazy once i am pregnant??? most likely. hormones are nutso like that.

does this mean i’m not going to be safe in terms of my own mental health and state of mind??? i’m not sure.

so, i’m trying to find out what will potentially work best for me as i wean off my meds and continue to DISCUSS a possible pregnancy in the near future.

i want to be a good mom. we all want to be good parents. i’m not sure what being a “good” mom really means although i have been a mom for over 2 years now… but i know that my goal is to be a good mother.

being a good mom, in my case, means that i also need to be good to myself. i need to take care of myself in order for me to best take care of my child(ren).

i want to do this the “right” way. i want to wean off as much as possible, or change meds that are safe to take while pregnant.

so this is the part that i reluctantly offer to the blogging world… the one where readers and commenters have passionate opinions and are willing to share them in an open environment… yeah, that one.

this is the part where i ask you to share with me… not judge… share.

what have been your experiences in terms of weaning off meds and/or changing them?

how did it affect you?

in terms of anxiety-specific medications, do you have recommendations for me? ones that worked for you while trying to get pregnant or throughout a pregnancy?

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thank you. truly. it’s not easy for me to click “publish” for this post. but i do respect this environment and the people in it… and i respect your input.

it should be noted that i am and have been in discussion with doctors regarding this and i’m not solely looking to the internetz to provide me with solutions. (i like you guys and value your opinions… but not THAT much.)

i took jackson to the doctor yesterday. he had a rash on the back of his neck, in between his shoulder blades and it was spreading fairly quickly. he itched at it a bit, but for the most part, he was his same old maniacal self… sprinting from one place to another, “jumping like a kangaroo, mom!”

but i watched him and i worried and i wondered.

he’s had a lot of congestion for over a week.

the dark circles under his eyes… that can’t be right.

and as i thought these things to myself, as i mentally recalled each item of food that had been placed in his mouth and possibly caused a reaction, i began to scare myself, to panic and worry.

you would think i would know better by now, that after almost 28 months of being a mother, i’d have the hang of this parenting gig.

*whispers* somedays… i don’t.

so we went. i woke him up from his nap to take him to see the pediatrician because i needed reassurance.

the waiting room was packed and i watched jackson run to the fish tank to tell me, to tell himself, to tell anyone who would listen to him, the colors of each fish in the tank.

i watched him “jumping like a kangaroo, mom!” over to the table of puzzles and start to place pieces where they fit.

and then i watched an older child approach the table.

jackson panicked and ran back to me. he stood in between my legs, gripping on to the left one and repeated, “i’m ok mom? i’m ok?”

“yes baby, you’re fine. he just wants to play too. i can see you. go play.”

and upon receiving reassurance, he did.

so once we were called back to see the doctor, i was ready to receive mine.

i ran through the list of symptoms he has shown recently… the sniffles. no cough. saline drops and humidifier have helped but not cleared the congestion. dark eyes. sleeping more during the day. no temp. the rash that i can’t seem to explain. could it be heat rash? we haven’t been outside hardly at all with the heat index being in the triple digits.

and finally i just said it out loud…

“i don’t know and it scared me.”

the rash was minor… probably some “contact dermatitis,” meaning something he had on him or was in contact with was an irritant to his skin.

“he’s a sensitive kid,” the doctor told me after explaining her diagnosis and watching him play with her “orange hammer for the knees, mom!”

she examined jackson with care and he was so obedient and sweet with her that we celebrated with popsicles after the appointment.

and while we enjoyed our ice cold snack in the air conditioning of our home, i couldn’t help but wonder when the watching and worrying stops… if ever… because i know i am a worrier.

to my detriment, i am a worrier.

i’m not always going to be able to protect my son… or be there for him to grasp hold of my left leg. he’s going to fall and get bruises and scrapes all while “jumping like a kangaroo, mom!”

but sometimes i just want to pick him up and put him in my pouch.

anything that goes through a gradual transition from one condition, to a different condition, without any abrupt changes

that’s the continuum theory.

i don’t entirely understand it myself… but i’m feeling it. and sometimes we feel things that we don’t understand.

a pull to do something. a wall to keep you from doing something.

i feel a lot of things that i don’t have full grasp of.

and that’s ok.

there’s this pendulum swinging and nothing can stop it. i dodge it. i run circles around it. i tempt it to hit me. i cower from it at times.

but it just continues to swing back and forth.

so i make lists.

on paper.

in my head.

all the things that need to be done. all the things that need to be worked on… myself, my marriage, my life…

(((fill in the blank)))

the pendulum keeps swinging.

i get distracted. thinking. over-thinking. over-analyzing. focusing on the little bits of nothing, keeping myself from looking at the big picture, the whole.

it’s so easy for me to get distracted. easy for me to write this post. to not do the stuff… the work.

on myself.

but, i recognize these distractions. i see my patterns. i catch myself dodging the pendulum.

and i don’t want to do that anymore.

i want to refocus.

i want my story to continue… my life to continue.

it happened… almost 10 years ago.

it did.

no distraction can falsify that or keep me from recognizing it.

and i’m ready.

i’ll need some hand-holding here and there. i know that.

but i’m ready to stop distracting myself from myself.

i’m going to keep going… keep transitioning… keep moving.

forward.

because it’s time.

i sit in a coffee shop. my favorite one in downtown annapolis because it actually does NOT have tourists. it’s a gem to me, this quiet hole-in-the-wall place with a couch in the front window. the couch is covered with a sheet and stained with caffeinated beverages and remnants of scones.

i choose an over-sized chair to sit in near an electrical outlet so i can plug in. my beverage order is taken. i even get a muffin that i’ll probably only eat half of because it’s so enormous. the muffin is placed on a chipped plate, coffee is handed to me and both of these delectable items join my iphone on top of a small mosaic table.

i sit in a coffee stop. i’m wearing my favorite jeans, though it’s over 100 degrees outside today. my jeans that i hardly ever wash because they fit with such comfort that it is as though they are a precious friend, enveloping me in the perfect hug. my hair is unwashed, curls are damp from humidity. my teeth are brushed.

wait.

runs tongue across teeth… tastes colgate.

yup, they are brushed.

but i forgot deodorant.

because i practically ran out the door this morning. this sunday morning. a morning where some families rush out the door to get to church on time… brunch on time… relatives’ houses on time.

i ran out the door to this coffee shop, this sanctuary, to escape.

and i now sit here feeling an overwhelming sense of guilt envelop me.

i have taken time for myself.

**********

my first “real” boss taught me the invaluable lesson of setting boundaries. i say “real” boss because i consider the time i spent working at a women’s crisis center, straight out of grad school, to be my first “real” job… a steady job. the income was crap, but it was a non-profit agency and i have a tendency to forget that one needs money in order to exist.

my emotions and passion had driven me to accept this job in the first place. my “save the world” mentality had entirely taken over and this was the job that was going to prepare me to save the world… from what, i still do not know, but dammit, i was goina save it from something.

anyone who works in a social work environment knows that it is taxing in ways that corporate america is not. i don’t say this to say one is better than the other. they are just simply different and come with different expectations and needs.

clients needs are different. emotions run high. often you operate in “crisis mode” when responding to a client’s needs because usually those needs are immediate. they come to you NOW because they need you NOW.

the day i turned my 2 weeks notice in to my boss, we both cried.

it was hard.

it’s hard to realize that you can’t save the world, no matter how damn hard you try.

she had taught me about boundaries.

she gave me my sharpie marker.

so, i popped the cap off and drew a straight line.

**********

i sit in a coffee shop. i wonder if life is filled with sharpie markers, some with their caps still tightly on, others with ink nearly gone.

i drew a line this morning.

i needed solace.

i knew exactly where i would go.

i drove here, envisioning these words in my mind, beginning this post in my head while sitting at traffic lights.

and yet, i sit here, now writing these words and feel guilty for taking a moment to put myself first.

i check my iphone for a text from my husband, my parents… from anyone who may possibly need me.

no messages.

because i’ve taken out my sharpie marker and drawn a line. no need to put up a sign that says “do not cross.”

the line speaks for itself.

it’s ok for me to say “no” sometimes.

no. i’m not going. for those of you who follow me on twitter, you are aware of this… probably have been for a while. and for those of you who have unfollowed, if not blocked me, on twitter, yet continue to read my blog (yes, i see you) then perhaps this is news to you.

so, in order to fully embrace the pink elephant that has existed for nearly 10 months, here’s the deal… i gave my ticket away. months ago. it’s gone. been gone. to a wonderful human being… to someone i admire, someone i respect and someone who continues to blow my mind with her strength and inner growth.

my only regret is that i will not be able to hug this amazing woman.

**********

but back to the elephant… my hate mail has heightened since another blogger, a very well-known blogger, endured her own experience very recently and posted about it. as per usual, word spread quickly in the blogosphere and in the land of twitter.

as for me, i was at my cousin’s wedding, in austin, tx, when this occurred and yet my phone blinked and vibrated with incoming messages, emails and tweets.

and when i felt my phone vibrating inside of my clutch, i was left to assume there was some sort of internet drama taking place that people were making me aware of. (after all, i was sitting in a chapel with my entire extended family. obviously no one was trying to reach me about the death of a family member. those calls are the worst.)

anyway, i don’t know catherine. we do not correspond on twitter or elsewhere. but once i got myself up to speed on her story, her experience, i empathized with her. while i may not know her or “know” her (as those of us bloggers can come to “know” one another without truly knowing one another), or even be one of her eleventy followers, i empathized.

**********

then i read a thought-provoking post yesterday on mamapop.com and i couldn’t help but take some time to be quiet and reflect.

**********

how quick we are to respond… myself included.

but how slooooow we are to let go. i mean truly LET GO.

we want instant gratification.

and ultimately…

life is too short.

**********

part of me envies this nifty aspect of men that i have heard about and even been witness to on rare occasions. men are wired so differently than women, and whether the “grudge-holding” wire was once cut in their brain and thus set a precedent… i dunno… point being, men get over shit.

some men.

those men who still have that wire fully intact, find themselves emailing me and/or commenting me just as much hate as women, or referring to me in the comments section of other blogs as one of the “few bad apples to leave such a strong impression,” or continuing to create false twitter accounts using my picture and/or name.

so i ask you, yes YOU, those of you who continue struggling with letting go…

have you thought for just one second that you have prejudged?

have you been criticized yourself? like, ever? on a continual basis?

have you had others bring shit up to you that causes you to roll your eyes and think to yourself “really?!? you’re STILL thinking about this and asking me about it AGAIN?!?”

and lastly, why on earth can’t you let go?

**********

if you think that i’m not talking about YOU in this post, you’re wrong.

i am. all of you.

but don’t worry, you won’t see me in NYC. i’m visiting friends the sunday and monday after the conference. i won’t run into you.

i’m not giving the keynote.

but if i were, it would have been something along the lines of this post, because ultimately, this ugliness that continues to manifest itself here and there is not about me, it’s not about catherine either or any other blogger who has posted something remotely controversial on their blog.

it’s about us all.

i’m not pregnant.

actually, we have not even been trying.

the baby-bug is gone.

squashed, infact.

we’ve dodged circumstances regarding paul’s job twice in the last few months since i had my IUD removed.

our almost 27 month old magoo has fully embraced the “terrible twos” and poses many-a-challenge on a daily basis right now.

**********

i’m scared.

there, i said it.

i’m entirely scared… of a lot of things.

**********

i loathe planning things that end up getting changed. by nature, i’m a planner. i like knowing what is coming next. and when things are set in place, i get set in place.

we don’t know what’s coming next in terms of paul’s work. quite frankly, we never do. and while that’s no surprise because it’s always been that way, it’s still this in-your-face thing that smacks me every so often and says, “ha ha, whatever control you thought you had over your life, YOU DON’T!!!”

that is a tough reality for me to face.

i’m not a good military wife. i don’t do well when paul is gone. as much as i like to think of myself as being independent and self-sufficient and all “i don’t NEED him to function,” that’s not entirely true.

i do need him.

**********

at some point in time, once we have fulfilled our orders here in maryland, paul will take a job that will require him to be gone. we don’t know for how long, but we know this is inevitable.

we will be in maryland for another year and a half.

during that year and a half, paul SHOULD NOT be sent away.

so it’s ideal for baby-making time, right?

right!!!

but… i’m scared.

i’m scared to be left alone, without a partner. i’m scared to be a single parent. i don’t know if i can do it. and i don’t WANT to raise a kid(s) without paul around.

the few trips paul has taken within the last few months (and they have been short trips, only lasting a few days at a time) have brought me to my knees. i have complete admiration for single parents and all they do… because they DO IT ALL.

**********

so here i am, scared… of the unknown… of not even being able to predict what is next for us… and i’m allowing this fear to get the best of me.

i am holding us back.

**********

jackson was a surprise. and we just made it work. we never had to have the back and forth conversations, asking one another if we were “ready.”

maybe it’s easier that way?

maybe it’s not?

maybe it’s never easy?

i don’t know.

i do know that i want more kids. and i know that now is “a good time” to get pregnant. paul would be home for the entire pregnancy and for a good amount of time after the baby would be born.

but then what?

then we would move, again, possibly further away from family than we are now… and then paul would be gone for extended periods of time, leaving me with a school-age magoo and a wee-new-magoo.

**********

so here i am. scared.

i don’t want to be scared.

i want the baby-bug to sting me again.

i think…

i’m entirely behind on pretty much everything at this moment. we just got home from one wedding and we have 3 more to go in the next 7 weeks, which means that i am UP TO HERE with laundry and dry cleaning so that we can turn around and repack our hanging bag full of uncomfortable dress clothes and spanx.

for the record, spanx totally serve their purpose and i’m very grateful for the ones that have the pee hole in them because pulling those things down to pee and then back up is next to impossible, especially after consuming wine. so thank you for the pee hole, spanx.

(no, they did not pay me to say that. i’m just generous.)

where was i???

ah yes, i’m behind on everything…

1) groceries
2) photography projects
3) deadlines… self-imposed and non-self-imposed
4) web projects
5) finishing the book
6) blogging
7) washing my hair
figuring out why this stupid smiley icon with sunglasses is in place of #8 of my list
9) emailing artist about new tattoo concept
10) writing about new tattoo concept
11) responding to emails that have sat in my inbox for way too long
12) making fun of pitches i have received (stop calling me “Mrs. Bottle”)
13) reading up on YOUR blogs
14) bills ::headdesk::
15) keeping up with blogher@home
16) potty-training the magoo
17) promoting the calendar i got naked for
18) spraying myself with tan in a can b/c it’s too damn hot to go outside
19) researching preschools for the magoo
20) bathing
21) cleaning my kitchen that is fruit-fly-infested *gag*

in other news… my husband is hot and he watches out for paparazzi. due to his hotness, the above list has gone to shit.