Archive for the ‘blog shit’ Category

this post really doesn’t exist. these words aren’t here. in fact, nothing on this blog is here. it’s void. entirely empty of any recorded thought, memory, photograph.

nothing is here that you don’t want to see. whatever you do find here, on any blog for that matter, is twisted and contorted… turned into something unintended.

because you’re looking for something.

for anything.

you’re hunting for scraps on a carcass that doesn’t exist.

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you’re disappointed that a post is sponsored by a company.

you’re sickened that family photos are shared on someone’s blog.

you’re outraged that people share information about their children and find the community that for some reason you cannot seem to find.

*this is when i start to laugh*

so you create.

and yes, in this medium, we all create.

we create and we share.

all for different reasons.

all for the same reason.

we want to be heard.

we want to be fed.

praise.

critique.

money.

connections.

sponsorship.

community.

place your order. select your dish.

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this post doesn’t exist.

this meal you’re consuming isn’t really here.

this message that you’re visually taking in is one of your own.

your interpretation.

am i talking about you?

or am i talking to you?

i’ll let you decide.

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you get unfollowed.

you feel unadored.

you are unhappy.

ultimately, all of this leads you to becoming unoriginal.

truly becoming anonymous.

giving you no authentic voice.

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i see you.

i sense your hunger.

you’re obviously salivating.

drooling on this blog and others.

dripping with anonymous sweat… and leaving your stench.

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go clean up.

i’ll have a seat ready for you at my dinner table.

and i’ll feed you.

you won’t starve in my house.

but you may not like what you taste.

so. this is a post about my current medication situation.

in other words, feel free to close the browser if you have nothing helpful or insightful to contribute.

here is what i love about the blogging world: readers and commenters have passionate opinions and are willing to share them in an open environment.

here’s is what i don’t love about the blogging world: readers and commenters have passionate opinions and are willing to share them in an open environment.

within the blogging world there is a sizable community of those who struggle/battle/are challenged with some form of anxiety. there are millions of theories as to why this is… however, that’s not what this post is about.

this post is about my current medication situation with regards to my general anxiety disorder and acute panic attacks.

again, feel free to close your browser. no hard feelings.

months ago, i wrote this post about having the baby bug. a couple of months after that, i wrote this post about having my IUD removed to get the party started on magoo 2.0. and then last month came, and i wrote this post about my baby bug being squashed.

paul and i have discussed trying for another baby this fall. DISCUSSED. i take this very seriously for a number of reasons… we have a lot to consider in terms of paul’s work and timing when it comes to expanding our family. that’s a biggie. we have a lot to consider in terms of jackson’s needs as a 2 and a half year old little boy who STARTS SCHOOL next month.

holy shit.

as for me, i have a lot to consider in terms of my mental health and well-being. anxiety disorder has always played a significant role in my life. i am medicated for it. there is a combination of drugs that work to keep the chemicals in my brain balanced and my panic attacks at bay.

i’m not ashamed of this. it’s not easy to relinquish a sense of control over oneself to a pill, or a combo of pills, but for me it is necessary and i have come to terms with that fact.

in order for magoo 2.0 to be conceived in the most healthy way, i need to be off my meds for the most part.

does this mean i’m going to go bat-shit crazy once i am sufficiently weaned off my medication??? quite possibly.

does this mean i’m going to go bat-shit crazy once i am pregnant??? most likely. hormones are nutso like that.

does this mean i’m not going to be safe in terms of my own mental health and state of mind??? i’m not sure.

so, i’m trying to find out what will potentially work best for me as i wean off my meds and continue to DISCUSS a possible pregnancy in the near future.

i want to be a good mom. we all want to be good parents. i’m not sure what being a “good” mom really means although i have been a mom for over 2 years now… but i know that my goal is to be a good mother.

being a good mom, in my case, means that i also need to be good to myself. i need to take care of myself in order for me to best take care of my child(ren).

i want to do this the “right” way. i want to wean off as much as possible, or change meds that are safe to take while pregnant.

so this is the part that i reluctantly offer to the blogging world… the one where readers and commenters have passionate opinions and are willing to share them in an open environment… yeah, that one.

this is the part where i ask you to share with me… not judge… share.

what have been your experiences in terms of weaning off meds and/or changing them?

how did it affect you?

in terms of anxiety-specific medications, do you have recommendations for me? ones that worked for you while trying to get pregnant or throughout a pregnancy?

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thank you. truly. it’s not easy for me to click “publish” for this post. but i do respect this environment and the people in it… and i respect your input.

it should be noted that i am and have been in discussion with doctors regarding this and i’m not solely looking to the internetz to provide me with solutions. (i like you guys and value your opinions… but not THAT much.)

no. i’m not going. for those of you who follow me on twitter, you are aware of this… probably have been for a while. and for those of you who have unfollowed, if not blocked me, on twitter, yet continue to read my blog (yes, i see you) then perhaps this is news to you.

so, in order to fully embrace the pink elephant that has existed for nearly 10 months, here’s the deal… i gave my ticket away. months ago. it’s gone. been gone. to a wonderful human being… to someone i admire, someone i respect and someone who continues to blow my mind with her strength and inner growth.

my only regret is that i will not be able to hug this amazing woman.

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but back to the elephant… my hate mail has heightened since another blogger, a very well-known blogger, endured her own experience very recently and posted about it. as per usual, word spread quickly in the blogosphere and in the land of twitter.

as for me, i was at my cousin’s wedding, in austin, tx, when this occurred and yet my phone blinked and vibrated with incoming messages, emails and tweets.

and when i felt my phone vibrating inside of my clutch, i was left to assume there was some sort of internet drama taking place that people were making me aware of. (after all, i was sitting in a chapel with my entire extended family. obviously no one was trying to reach me about the death of a family member. those calls are the worst.)

anyway, i don’t know catherine. we do not correspond on twitter or elsewhere. but once i got myself up to speed on her story, her experience, i empathized with her. while i may not know her or “know” her (as those of us bloggers can come to “know” one another without truly knowing one another), or even be one of her eleventy followers, i empathized.

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then i read a thought-provoking post yesterday on mamapop.com and i couldn’t help but take some time to be quiet and reflect.

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how quick we are to respond… myself included.

but how slooooow we are to let go. i mean truly LET GO.

we want instant gratification.

and ultimately…

life is too short.

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part of me envies this nifty aspect of men that i have heard about and even been witness to on rare occasions. men are wired so differently than women, and whether the “grudge-holding” wire was once cut in their brain and thus set a precedent… i dunno… point being, men get over shit.

some men.

those men who still have that wire fully intact, find themselves emailing me and/or commenting me just as much hate as women, or referring to me in the comments section of other blogs as one of the “few bad apples to leave such a strong impression,” or continuing to create false twitter accounts using my picture and/or name.

so i ask you, yes YOU, those of you who continue struggling with letting go…

have you thought for just one second that you have prejudged?

have you been criticized yourself? like, ever? on a continual basis?

have you had others bring shit up to you that causes you to roll your eyes and think to yourself “really?!? you’re STILL thinking about this and asking me about it AGAIN?!?”

and lastly, why on earth can’t you let go?

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if you think that i’m not talking about YOU in this post, you’re wrong.

i am. all of you.

but don’t worry, you won’t see me in NYC. i’m visiting friends the sunday and monday after the conference. i won’t run into you.

i’m not giving the keynote.

but if i were, it would have been something along the lines of this post, because ultimately, this ugliness that continues to manifest itself here and there is not about me, it’s not about catherine either or any other blogger who has posted something remotely controversial on their blog.

it’s about us all.

i’m entirely behind on pretty much everything at this moment. we just got home from one wedding and we have 3 more to go in the next 7 weeks, which means that i am UP TO HERE with laundry and dry cleaning so that we can turn around and repack our hanging bag full of uncomfortable dress clothes and spanx.

for the record, spanx totally serve their purpose and i’m very grateful for the ones that have the pee hole in them because pulling those things down to pee and then back up is next to impossible, especially after consuming wine. so thank you for the pee hole, spanx.

(no, they did not pay me to say that. i’m just generous.)

where was i???

ah yes, i’m behind on everything…

1) groceries
2) photography projects
3) deadlines… self-imposed and non-self-imposed
4) web projects
5) finishing the book
6) blogging
7) washing my hair
figuring out why this stupid smiley icon with sunglasses is in place of #8 of my list
9) emailing artist about new tattoo concept
10) writing about new tattoo concept
11) responding to emails that have sat in my inbox for way too long
12) making fun of pitches i have received (stop calling me “Mrs. Bottle”)
13) reading up on YOUR blogs
14) bills ::headdesk::
15) keeping up with blogher@home
16) potty-training the magoo
17) promoting the calendar i got naked for
18) spraying myself with tan in a can b/c it’s too damn hot to go outside
19) researching preschools for the magoo
20) bathing
21) cleaning my kitchen that is fruit-fly-infested *gag*

in other news… my husband is hot and he watches out for paparazzi. due to his hotness, the above list has gone to shit.

i’m too tired for words… except to say that it was fantastic spending the day in NYC with these silly fools.

i’m sure their posts will be much more satisfying than this one, but i need a nap… NOW. so, i’ll just link up to their posts when i don’t need to use toothpicks to keep my eyelids open.

***UPDATED***

amy‘s post, in which she speaks to jon stewart and amy’s pic.

mary‘s post including jon stewart ass footage. hehehe…

otherwise known as Persons Unknown…

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me: HURRY!!! it’s the summer-time version of LOST.

paul: (((hurrying))) ok, it’s back on.

me: SMOKE MONSTER!!!!

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me: “just SHUT UP you former psycho patient who claimed to be a shrink 2 episodes ago.”

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me: “is this a flash sideways?”

paul: “no. that’s the actual reporter.”

me: “oh… well, i’m so glad hot blonde chick is kicking the fat car salesman’s ass right now. that was way overdue.”

paul: “yeah, he’s a douche.”

me: “hey!!!!!!! it’s the ship!!!!!!!!!!” (a helicopter, but same idea… sort of.)

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*unknown package drops from helicopter. canisters are empty, except for two.*

me: “who has gas masks?”

paul: “i dunno. i don’t even know this show well enough to know the characters names.”

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me: “so, did he kill his wife?”

paul: “that’s what the video showed.”

me: “that’s the dude from speed, ya know… on the bus…”

paul: “that’s also cameron… from ferris bueller’s day off.”

me: “yeah, well, he’s a killer now.”

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me: “is that dharma initiative beer? or is that coke?

paul: “i don’t know.”

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(((SMOKE MONSTER)))

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me: “time to take the dog out and go to bed?”

paul: “well yeah. i mean… we won’t miss anything.”

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me: “this is all about BIG BROTHER, isn’t it?”

paul: “i dunno.”

me: “IT’S YOUR JOB TO SAY ‘I DUNNO.’”

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(((piano playing by ex-psycho patient)))

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me: “oh no. that can’t be good.”

paul: “WHUUUUUUT?!?!?!”

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me: “i wonder what flavor it is?”

paul: “well it was obvious that was the next thing coming.”

me: “what?!”

paul: “the flavor of the ice cream.”

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paul: “why are they wearing raincoats?”

me: “does someone die? cuz otherwise, i really wanna go to bed.”