Archive for the ‘family’ Category

i’m not pregnant.

actually, we have not even been trying.

the baby-bug is gone.

squashed, infact.

we’ve dodged circumstances regarding paul’s job twice in the last few months since i had my IUD removed.

our almost 27 month old magoo has fully embraced the “terrible twos” and poses many-a-challenge on a daily basis right now.

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i’m scared.

there, i said it.

i’m entirely scared… of a lot of things.

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i loathe planning things that end up getting changed. by nature, i’m a planner. i like knowing what is coming next. and when things are set in place, i get set in place.

we don’t know what’s coming next in terms of paul’s work. quite frankly, we never do. and while that’s no surprise because it’s always been that way, it’s still this in-your-face thing that smacks me every so often and says, “ha ha, whatever control you thought you had over your life, YOU DON’T!!!”

that is a tough reality for me to face.

i’m not a good military wife. i don’t do well when paul is gone. as much as i like to think of myself as being independent and self-sufficient and all “i don’t NEED him to function,” that’s not entirely true.

i do need him.

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at some point in time, once we have fulfilled our orders here in maryland, paul will take a job that will require him to be gone. we don’t know for how long, but we know this is inevitable.

we will be in maryland for another year and a half.

during that year and a half, paul SHOULD NOT be sent away.

so it’s ideal for baby-making time, right?

right!!!

but… i’m scared.

i’m scared to be left alone, without a partner. i’m scared to be a single parent. i don’t know if i can do it. and i don’t WANT to raise a kid(s) without paul around.

the few trips paul has taken within the last few months (and they have been short trips, only lasting a few days at a time) have brought me to my knees. i have complete admiration for single parents and all they do… because they DO IT ALL.

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so here i am, scared… of the unknown… of not even being able to predict what is next for us… and i’m allowing this fear to get the best of me.

i am holding us back.

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jackson was a surprise. and we just made it work. we never had to have the back and forth conversations, asking one another if we were “ready.”

maybe it’s easier that way?

maybe it’s not?

maybe it’s never easy?

i don’t know.

i do know that i want more kids. and i know that now is “a good time” to get pregnant. paul would be home for the entire pregnancy and for a good amount of time after the baby would be born.

but then what?

then we would move, again, possibly further away from family than we are now… and then paul would be gone for extended periods of time, leaving me with a school-age magoo and a wee-new-magoo.

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so here i am. scared.

i don’t want to be scared.

i want the baby-bug to sting me again.

i think…

we let freedom ring… and then some. our sweet friends are moving in the upcoming weeks. their little beauties are jackson’s first little friends, and ya never forget that stuff, ya know?

You who are on the road
Must have a code that you can live by
And so become yourself
Because the past is just a good bye.

Teach your children well,
Their father’s hell did slowly go by,
And feed them on your dreams
The one they picks, the one you’ll know by.

Don’t you ever ask them why, if they told you, you will cry,
So just look at them and sigh and know they love you.

And you, of tender years,
Can’t know the fears that your elders grew by,
And so please help them with your youth,
They seek the truth before they can die.

Teach your parents well,
Their children’s hell will slowly go by,
And feed them on your dreams
The one they picks, the one you’ll know by.

Don’t you ever ask them why, if they told you, you will cry,
So just look at them and sigh and know they love you

Song Credit: Teach Your Children by: Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young

click below for audio.

Teach Your Children

for the last 5 days, each phone conversation that i have had with my husband has begun as such…

“hey,” i say. jackson screeching in the background as my mom and dad whisk him away so i can focus.

((((long pause))))

“i still don’t know anything,” are the first words out of his mouth.

and those 5 words NEED to be said immediately after i have answered the phone in order for him and i to attempt to carry on any sort of “normal” conversation beyond the not knowing… beyond the obvious ugly.

once that has been established, some questions are asked from my end… questions that i cannot share here but wish i could.

he and i attempt to discuss other things. talk about jackson. ask about our families.

we continue to duck and run, bob and weave, dodging what we dread so very much… being separated for a VERY long time, with him being called away to a place that keeps me awake with nightmares in the earliest hours of the morning.

i have these conversations with myself during those wee hours of the morning when i wake up startled and scared.

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we dodged the bullet this morning. he was not chosen to leave at this moment in time.

i’m grateful. i’m relieved. i’m breathing at a steady pace.

but i’m still frightened.

this looming THING that we have been spared from for the second time in just a couple of months still looms.

it arrives with full force, announcing its presence with a thunderous roar.

and you wait.

and wait.

you duck. cower. look left and right. weigh your options.

you bob and weave.

and then what was this all-consuming THING vanishes in an instant. as quickly as the snap of a finger. and you are told that you are spared.

today we were spared.

but someone else was not.

someone with a family. someone’s husband. someone’s daddy. someone’s brother. someone’s son.

and so it goes…

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THANK YOU from the depths of my soul for all of the encouragement and support you have provided me with since my last post that i was not even given the ok to publish until yesterday. i have the greatest readers on the face of the planet. you are all gold, and i hope you know that i truly am grateful for each one of you. you allow me to be me in my space. accepting me at face value. and at the end of the day, that’s all i could possibly ask for.

Song Credit: “Up to the Mountain” by Crystal Bowersox

jackson talks incessantly. i’m grateful because i can see and experience him seeing and experiencing, taking everything in and reporting back.

“i’m ok? i fine.”

“phone. call. pops? mahdaddy?”

“cakes. pan cakes. LIKE cakes!!!”

“crying… CRYING… CRYING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“dog.”

“TWO dog.”

“all done.”

“yuckies. mom YUCKIES!!!” (tugs at diaper)

“no potty. bath???”

“PLAAAAAAAANE.”

“windy.”

“rain? sun. bright sun.”

“swing. wee. slide.”

“play play play outside.”

“rocks. no throw.”

“dirt. stick. play.”

“baketbawl.”

“soccahbawl.”

“birdie…. CAWWWW!!!!”

“ride? ride? car? NOM NOMS.”

“juice. more juice. more peeeeeeeeas.”

“horn. cow.”

“se-a-me. elmo. ernie. big bird. BIIIIIIIIG bird.”

“moo cow. MOOOOOOOOOOOOO cow.”

“eledents. BIIIIIIIIIG eledents.” (elephant noise)

“i’m ok. i’m ok.”

“mommy up. mommy down. no down.”

“mess.”

“OH NO mess.”

“treat? prize? monkey?” (monkey noise)

“moose. BIIIIIIG moose.”

“foobawl.”

“fubble foobawl.”

“books. frog books. green frogs. jump.”

“suggle??? mom… suggle??? mommy… suggle???”

*heart melts*

“yes baby, let’s go suggle.”

then we lay on the rug in his bedroom and my son crawls and jumps all over me. it’s not exactly “snuggling,” but it works for us.

it’s no secret that i’ve been stung by the bug… THE bug.

it’s also no secret that i have referred to my IUD as “the sperminator” since having it err… inserted placed shortly after my 6 week post magoo birthing, now almost 2 years ago.

it is no secret that i have a husband whose sperm defied the birth control pill i had been on and taken religiously since i was 17 years old.

ladies and gents, let this be a lesson to us all that there is a reason why the pill is 98% effective… the other 2% is the magoo.

so all that being said, we’re now talking about magoo 2.0!!!

the thought of having another little nuglet and expanding our family even more thrills both paul and i.

we never had to have THE CONVERSATION… like the whole “Well, do you want a baby?” “I dunno, I mean are we ready for that?” “Well, I dunno but maybe we’re ready, whatever that means…” conversation because i didn’t know i was pregnant with jackson when i was indeed pregnant with jackson.

i digress… having THE CONVERSATION in itself is an interesting experience… it kinda reminded me of a game of “go fish” where you go back and forth and back and forth and friggin back and forth.

Me: “Well, do YOU think we’re ready for this?”

Him: “I guess… I mean, I know for sure I won’t be deployed for 18 months.”

Me: “OK, well that’s a good thing. So at least you’ll be around for this pregnancy…” (*snort* and heavy sarcasm since paul missed me in all my glory of the 3rd trimester and came home just in time for me to start hating life and sleep in the guest room while sitting up because of my righteous heartburn.)

Him: “Well yeah, I’ll be around… and I guess we’ll just see where we are sent after that.”

Me: “UGH NAVY!!!!”

*big sigh*

“go fish.”

so here’s the deal… there are quite a few things that need to fall into place in order for me to indeed be with child.

numero uno: MEGA importance… i need a KILLER OBGYN. i LOVED my last one and if you’re goina be all up in my biznass for 9 months and delivering the little body that comes out of my body, i need to be uber cool with you. also, you can’t be a dude. sorry. it’s nothing personal, men. i know there are FANTASTIC male OBGYNs out there in the world, but they will never be mine simply because i am a rape survivor and the ONLY man allowed ANYWHERE near my vag is my husband. period.

part B: i need a serious discussion with my doctor about properly weaning off my anxiety meds. i’ve done this before and there is one medication that i am capable of weaning myself off of because of my prior experience with it, but i have two others as well that i need to make sure i get off of the right way. so that’s a pretty big factor with me as well.

and three: i need to have the sperminator removed. i have the mirena IUD which has worked well for me, and not so well according to some of my blogging friends. there is no “waiting period” in terms of hormone regulation etc once it is removed. so once that sucker is out… well… you can figure that out yourself.

then again, any sort of waiting period really wouldn’t be an issue with us as paul’s sperm shoots through birth control like a sniper.

so THE APPOINTMENT was made last week. i got a FANTASTIC recommendation for a female OBGYN by my primary care doctor and made the “extraction appointment” for april 29th.

it should be noted that jackson turns 2 on april 22nd, one week before sperminator extraction.

it should also be noted that the morning following the sperminator extraction, april 30th, paul and i leave for a vacation to the dominican republic for 5 days.

will we come home with the seed planted for a dominican love-child? probably not. i will most likely still be in the midst of weaning off meds… and i most definitely want to enjoy the swim up tiki bar at the resort we are staying at.

after the vacay though… GAME ON!!!

and when the day comes that we do find out we are in deed with magoo 2.0, my liver will curse me for 9 straight months as i will be forced to deprive it of its wine.

it’s ok sweet liver… we’ll make it through…