and then while washing dishes
i don’t even know what to do with this. words escape me.
if you cannot view the above video, click here.
it’s like the new version of alli
i have a parasite. living in my gut. worming its way throughout my intestines and bowels and every time i eat something, it spastically unleashes the fury of itself in the toilet.
(sorry mom, usually i write about jackson’s shit. today it’s my shit.)
anyway, i eat… and then i potty… and then i’m starving.
which sucks entirely because i eat all day long. like normally, on any given healthy day.
i have at least 3 breakfasts, 2 lunches, snacks in between, and dinner.
all day long. every day.
as i type this post, i’m snacking on cheez-its.
so you can imagine what it’s like right now, eating as much as i do, results in me shitting nonstop.
at first i thought i had food poisoning at the hands of my mother because i was at her house when the current resident of my intestines decided to say HELLO and squeeze the life out of my bowels.
i blamed my mom, though her cooking is righteous. she felt horrible for days. i’m fairly certain she has bleached her kitchen twelve times since last sunday.
then i thought i had ecoli, possibly from taking jackson to my parent’s pool where we swam in the pee pool and waded in its disgustingness.
then i thought i had some stomach bug. tons of people have been talking about a stomach thing that’s been going around and pissing people off b/c WHO GETS A STOMACH BUG IN THE SUMMERTIME?!?!?
wrong. wrong. wrong. i was wrong about it all.
according to the doctor, i tested positive for cryptosporidium. ya’ll, it’s so damn nasty that i can’t even talk about it. if you have the balls to click the link and read about it, then yay for you.
i will not be blamed for your nightmares.
so the reason i was so stumped this week in trying to figure out what the hell was going on with my gut, is that i’ve had no other symptoms aside from awful intestinal cramping and the shits.
no fever. no vomiting (i hate puking more than ANYTHING else in the world). no body aches or feeling lousy. none of that.
just a lot of pain and a lot of shit.
i guess i should be glad to have an answer, ya know? be glad to know what’s going on in this warped body of mine that has lost 6 pounds in the last 4 days.
i hate not knowing shit.
also, i can look forward to the new wardrobe i will buy when my 2 weeks of hosting this little fucker is up. (it dies after 2 weeks.)
and, i’m kinda glad it’s not some permanent stomach thing that forces me to eat jamie lee curtis’ poop yogurt.
those commercials weird me out.
this is how you bring sexy back
for the last two + weeks, paul and i have woken up each morning with a scratchy throat that has both of us talking in the tone of a 75 year old man with bronchitis.
it’s totally hot.
once we’re done turning each other on with our old man voices, we each cough up a lung in the form of phlegm and then proceed to assess how congested we are.
“ugh.”
“seriously. this can’t be another cold?”
“no, jackson’s got better like 10 days ago.”
“what is it?”
::COUGH::
“beats me, but this SUCKS.”
“it’s allergies. has to be allergies.”
::HACK::
“yeah, there was something on ‘the today show’ the other day… matt lauer was talking about 2011 being the worst allergy season ever in the history of all allergies that ever existed.”
::PHLEGM WAD::
“well there ya have it. it’s allergies. we are allergic to something in here.”
“probably all the mold.”
“from the roof? still!??!?! you really think so?”
“i dunno.”
“maybe the dog?”
“i dunno.”
“maybe the pillows?”
“no. they’re hypoallergenic. remember, we registered for those specifically with the hypoallergenic duvet we got from the guys for our wedding.”
“yeah…”
::COUGH::
“this sucks. i’m goina get some advil.”
“ok, grab me three?”
::HACK::
“wait! refill my water?”
::SNEEZE::
and then paul leaves for work and jackson climbs in bed with me and jumps all around until i want to vomit. but i can’t vomit because of the wall of shtuff that resides in the back of my throat.
we’re basically allergic to each other. that’s the only explanation i can come up with right now.
it’s like when people tell you that after a certain number of years of being with the same person, you begin to look like that person… but reversed.
we are killing each other softly.
mallard
this guy was found floating around our parts EVERY DAMN MORNING of last week, while we were unplugged.
my only complaint is that i found a few too many feathers whilst relaxing on my floaty. also… gastrointestinal debris.
paul on the other hand, empathized with the duck, stating so eloquently, “this lake really sucks. no fish. nothing but drunk people.”
language barrier
“mom, look at me. i’m a patasa.”
::looks up and sees jackson upside down on the couch::
“jackson, what’s a patasa?”
“MEEEEE!!!! laugh mommy LAUGH!!!”
::side eyes::
**********
“mom, look. i made a patasa!”
::shows me an upside down mr. potato head::
“ok, so can mom make a patasa too?”
“yup yup yup. all the patasas! whole family patasas!”
::we both make upside down potato heads::
**********
“LOOK AT ME MOM!!!!!!!!! I’M A BIG PATASA!!!!!!!!!!!!”
“jackson, you tucked your legs up under your shirt. WHAT IS A PATASA?!?!”
::3 year old hysterical laughter::
“uh, well mom… patasa is a potatoes.”
“is jackson a patasa?”
::nodding head::
“but you’re not a potato…”
“it looks like NOT A PATASA.”
::3 year old grimace::
“ok, then can you SHOW ME a patasa?”
“NO, IT’S NOT.”
**********
“jackson, where are the patasas?”
“IT’S NOT A PATASA!!!”
“well then where did they go?”
“in the daddy patasa.”
“where is the daddy patasa?”
“over there. patasa.”
::points to front door::
“is YOUR daddy a patasa?”
::nods head::
“mmhmmm…”
“are all daddies patasas?”
“what about mommies? are mommies patsas?”
“YES!!!! mommy’s a patasa. daddy’s a patasa. jackson’s a patasa. red’s a patasa.”
“so… everyone is a patasa then?”
“no. that’s not it.”
::HEAD DESK::
**********
question of the week: WHAT THE HELL IS A PATASA???
Have a Sip
