help

in gratitude for all ye of the internet and also those select few who have had to hold my hair back

Published January 28, 2011 | By Nicole

there are a select few people in my life who i know will be there for me, no matter what.

i could be in jail and they would bail me out. i could be holding someone hostage at knife point (because guns scare me) and they would be my hostage negotiator. i could be hugging a toilet seat, puking up tequila (i hate tequila) and know my hair will be held back.

i can count those people on one hand, and they most definitely know who they are and how grateful i am for having them in my life.

i’m hoping that those of you who are reading this have one person, a few people, like that for yourselves.

a blogger who i have admired for a long time emailed me, a few months ago, and shared some words that really resonated with me. i had been in a slump with blogging a few months back… not knowing what to post, what not to post, where to draw my boundaries. and i reached out to her. much to my surprise, she wrote back.

her words meant so much to me because she described what i am describing to you… community. granted, it means different things to different people, but there’s something magical that happens when a vulnerable moment is shared and someone nods their head and says, “i hear you.”

earlier this week, jenny, the bloggess, came out in a very candid post about her mental health. i highly suggest you read it. it’s raw and beautiful and respectable in so many ways.

i heard her.

it is no secret that i have been battling my own demons concerning my own mental health and its current instability. i’ve posted about it a number of times over the last couple of months.

and yesterday i found myself back at square one… back on medication.

there is a disappointment that i’m currently feeling about succumbing to a combination of pills to help me get myself back to being… myself. there is sadness that i feel in knowing that paul and i will have to put off trying for another baby until i can get myself stabilized and eventually back off some of the medication.

and while battling these feelings of mine, it was suggested to me, by one of my closest friends, a confidant (a hair-holder-backer if you will) that i write about it. and then it was suggested by this same friend that i talk about it in a live chat that i hosted yesterday.

so i did.

and i was blown away with the kindness, support, and sharing of ideas that took place in that forum yesterday. i’m grateful to those of you who showed up to bare your souls and say “me too.”

this morning, i am brought back to that email from a fellow blogger, the one from a few months ago, and i’m reminded of her beautiful words, of my true community of beautiful people in my life. i’m so grateful for them.

and i’m so grateful for you as well. thank you, truly. you were heard.

Posted in anxiety, blog shit, community, help, in mah head, insanity, relationships | Tagged anxiety, blog shit, community, getting through the day, insanity, support

stickin it to cancer with local flavor

Published November 17, 2010 | By Nicole

cancer sucks. it’s a nasty beast that plagues too many that we all know and love.

a very precious friend of mine and paul’s made me aware of a gift drive taking place that benefits young adult cancer patients and their families.

upon getting involved in this project, sarah made me aware that…

our drive is from now until 10 December and we are accepting gifts at the UMD Cancer Center, Mother’s Federal Hill Bar and Grill, and the UCF office in Columbia, MD. If people prefer to make a financial donations they can do so in 5$ increments on the website: ulmancancerfund.org under “get involved/gift drive.”

On December 9th we are holding an event to celebrate the gift drive at Mother’s Federal Hill Bar and Grill, and everyone gets food and booze by bringing an unwrapped gift to the door!

I am asking for unwrapped new gifts for anyone between birth and 36 years old. Many of the patients have had far more challenging lives than I can imagine and will benefit greatly from even the smallest donations. I want to get the word out and promote as much as possible because I know a weak economy and Christmas makes gift giving more challenging for everyone. However, keeping this group in mind is important too.

stick it to cancer with me and sarah and help out either in person (if you’re in the maryland area) or please consider making a $5 donation to ulmancancerfund.org

we thank you from the bottom of our hearts.

for those of you who can’t join us, please leave a comment below and share what activities you and your family are participating in this holiday season to give back and put a smile on someone’s face.

Posted in community, help, thank you | Tagged community, support, thank you

Protected: Right Now is NOW

Published September 21, 2010 | By Nicole

There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.

Posted in help, love, relationships

the one about my meds

Published August 23, 2010 | By Nicole

so. this is a post about my current medication situation.

in other words, feel free to close the browser if you have nothing helpful or insightful to contribute.

here is what i love about the blogging world: readers and commenters have passionate opinions and are willing to share them in an open environment.

here’s is what i don’t love about the blogging world: readers and commenters have passionate opinions and are willing to share them in an open environment.

within the blogging world there is a sizable community of those who struggle/battle/are challenged with some form of anxiety. there are millions of theories as to why this is… however, that’s not what this post is about.

this post is about my current medication situation with regards to my general anxiety disorder and acute panic attacks.

again, feel free to close your browser. no hard feelings.

months ago, i wrote this post about having the baby bug. a couple of months after that, i wrote this post about having my IUD removed to get the party started on magoo 2.0. and then last month came, and i wrote this post about my baby bug being squashed.

paul and i have discussed trying for another baby this fall. DISCUSSED. i take this very seriously for a number of reasons… we have a lot to consider in terms of paul’s work and timing when it comes to expanding our family. that’s a biggie. we have a lot to consider in terms of jackson’s needs as a 2 and a half year old little boy who STARTS SCHOOL next month.

holy shit.

as for me, i have a lot to consider in terms of my mental health and well-being. anxiety disorder has always played a significant role in my life. i am medicated for it. there is a combination of drugs that work to keep the chemicals in my brain balanced and my panic attacks at bay.

i’m not ashamed of this. it’s not easy to relinquish a sense of control over oneself to a pill, or a combo of pills, but for me it is necessary and i have come to terms with that fact.

in order for magoo 2.0 to be conceived in the most healthy way, i need to be off my meds for the most part.

does this mean i’m going to go bat-shit crazy once i am sufficiently weaned off my medication??? quite possibly.

does this mean i’m going to go bat-shit crazy once i am pregnant??? most likely. hormones are nutso like that.

does this mean i’m not going to be safe in terms of my own mental health and state of mind??? i’m not sure.

so, i’m trying to find out what will potentially work best for me as i wean off my meds and continue to DISCUSS a possible pregnancy in the near future.

i want to be a good mom. we all want to be good parents. i’m not sure what being a “good” mom really means although i have been a mom for over 2 years now… but i know that my goal is to be a good mother.

being a good mom, in my case, means that i also need to be good to myself. i need to take care of myself in order for me to best take care of my child(ren).

i want to do this the “right” way. i want to wean off as much as possible, or change meds that are safe to take while pregnant.

so this is the part that i reluctantly offer to the blogging world… the one where readers and commenters have passionate opinions and are willing to share them in an open environment… yeah, that one.

this is the part where i ask you to share with me… not judge… share.

what have been your experiences in terms of weaning off meds and/or changing them?

how did it affect you?

in terms of anxiety-specific medications, do you have recommendations for me? ones that worked for you while trying to get pregnant or throughout a pregnancy?

**********

thank you. truly. it’s not easy for me to click “publish” for this post. but i do respect this environment and the people in it… and i respect your input.

it should be noted that i am and have been in discussion with doctors regarding this and i’m not solely looking to the internetz to provide me with solutions. (i like you guys and value your opinions… but not THAT much.)