Archive for the ‘insanity’ Category

so. this is a post about my current medication situation.

in other words, feel free to close the browser if you have nothing helpful or insightful to contribute.

here is what i love about the blogging world: readers and commenters have passionate opinions and are willing to share them in an open environment.

here’s is what i don’t love about the blogging world: readers and commenters have passionate opinions and are willing to share them in an open environment.

within the blogging world there is a sizable community of those who struggle/battle/are challenged with some form of anxiety. there are millions of theories as to why this is… however, that’s not what this post is about.

this post is about my current medication situation with regards to my general anxiety disorder and acute panic attacks.

again, feel free to close your browser. no hard feelings.

months ago, i wrote this post about having the baby bug. a couple of months after that, i wrote this post about having my IUD removed to get the party started on magoo 2.0. and then last month came, and i wrote this post about my baby bug being squashed.

paul and i have discussed trying for another baby this fall. DISCUSSED. i take this very seriously for a number of reasons… we have a lot to consider in terms of paul’s work and timing when it comes to expanding our family. that’s a biggie. we have a lot to consider in terms of jackson’s needs as a 2 and a half year old little boy who STARTS SCHOOL next month.

holy shit.

as for me, i have a lot to consider in terms of my mental health and well-being. anxiety disorder has always played a significant role in my life. i am medicated for it. there is a combination of drugs that work to keep the chemicals in my brain balanced and my panic attacks at bay.

i’m not ashamed of this. it’s not easy to relinquish a sense of control over oneself to a pill, or a combo of pills, but for me it is necessary and i have come to terms with that fact.

in order for magoo 2.0 to be conceived in the most healthy way, i need to be off my meds for the most part.

does this mean i’m going to go bat-shit crazy once i am sufficiently weaned off my medication??? quite possibly.

does this mean i’m going to go bat-shit crazy once i am pregnant??? most likely. hormones are nutso like that.

does this mean i’m not going to be safe in terms of my own mental health and state of mind??? i’m not sure.

so, i’m trying to find out what will potentially work best for me as i wean off my meds and continue to DISCUSS a possible pregnancy in the near future.

i want to be a good mom. we all want to be good parents. i’m not sure what being a “good” mom really means although i have been a mom for over 2 years now… but i know that my goal is to be a good mother.

being a good mom, in my case, means that i also need to be good to myself. i need to take care of myself in order for me to best take care of my child(ren).

i want to do this the “right” way. i want to wean off as much as possible, or change meds that are safe to take while pregnant.

so this is the part that i reluctantly offer to the blogging world… the one where readers and commenters have passionate opinions and are willing to share them in an open environment… yeah, that one.

this is the part where i ask you to share with me… not judge… share.

what have been your experiences in terms of weaning off meds and/or changing them?

how did it affect you?

in terms of anxiety-specific medications, do you have recommendations for me? ones that worked for you while trying to get pregnant or throughout a pregnancy?

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thank you. truly. it’s not easy for me to click “publish” for this post. but i do respect this environment and the people in it… and i respect your input.

it should be noted that i am and have been in discussion with doctors regarding this and i’m not solely looking to the internetz to provide me with solutions. (i like you guys and value your opinions… but not THAT much.)

BOLD FACE DISCLAIMER: this post is not sponsored by any of the brands mentioned in it. i am mentioning the brands of my own will, so that those of you reading this post can actually know what it is that i use in my house in my attempt to rid myself and my family of the grotesque amount of dog hair we encounter on a daily hourly basis.

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this morning started out as any other morning, with me contemplating the current state of my hair. the lack of shape and cute style it normally has as we are cutting back on expenses. the taste of guilt, knowing that my parents will be here next week and i will grovel and ask them to pay for me to get my hair cut by my uber awesome stylist because i can’t just go to super cuts like some people. i have bipolar hair… it’s curly in the back, straight in the front and overall just a hot mess.

the one time i did go to super cuts, was 1 week after i had been married. paul and i had driven from atlanta out to texas, where he was finishing up flight school. it was hotter than the 8th circle of hell and i wanted to cut all the hair off that i had spent the better part of a year growing out simply for the wedding. i walked in to super cuts with long luscious locks tossed up in a ponytail… i walked out of super cuts with a diagonal bob and atrocious layers. then i proceeded to go “home” to a house with 4 male roommates, one of whom was my husband who i shared an air mattress with.

good times.

so… back to my hair pondering state this morning…

it was upon that moment of contemplation when jackson ran into my office to make me aware of something that was clearly of the utmost importance to him…

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FACT: i swiffer vac twice a day, every day.

we have an 85 lb labrador retriever. red. red sheds so much that i often find myself in a state of dry heaving. don’t get me wrong, i’m not OCD when it comes to cleaning (and if you are, more power to you… also, can you please come clean my house? i will pay you in hugs and wine.)

there are a few things that i am WICKEDLY OCD about… 1) the bed. only i can make the bed. if paul attempts, i will redo it. i make it every day and on the rare occasion that it does not get made, it’s because i am either ill and still in the bed, or it’s been one helluva day with jackson and i cannot bring myself to do ONE MORE THING. 2) the dog hair. it MUST be vacuumed up, swept up, or in my case swiffer vac-ed up twice a day. why twice? because that is how much our dog sheds. the hair that i suck up in the machine of glory returns upon the instant that red moves from room to room. so i suck it up once in the morning and again in the late afternoon.

since our home is all hardwood, we have a couple of rugs… one underneath our dining room table and another in jackson’s bedroom. red is not allowed in jackson’s bedroom LIKE EVER… NEVER EVER… however, the dog hair collects in there as it travels through the ducts of our air conditioning system and underneath his bed room door.

so, the rugs are vacuumed on average 3-4 times a week.

given how much of my life is consumed with disposing of red’s hair that collects around our home, i thought i’d share some shots of awesome with you just so that you can fully grasp HOW MUCH dog hair there is, and HOW MUCH this grosses me out.

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it should be noted that jackson really likes to help vacuum, so he follows me around while pushing his toy golf bag as though it is a vacuum. he also likes to say “CHEESE” when he sees me pull the camera out. and lastly, red is very embarrassed that i have written this post about him, letting the world know about the foul amount of dog hair he creates. oh and… he licks his ass… A LOT. that should sufficiently explain the shame on his face. red then decided to pay me back with what i call “the money shot” in the last photo. my apologies in advance.

so, what should i do with my hair? cut it? grow it? shave it all off?

i took jackson to the doctor yesterday. he had a rash on the back of his neck, in between his shoulder blades and it was spreading fairly quickly. he itched at it a bit, but for the most part, he was his same old maniacal self… sprinting from one place to another, “jumping like a kangaroo, mom!”

but i watched him and i worried and i wondered.

he’s had a lot of congestion for over a week.

the dark circles under his eyes… that can’t be right.

and as i thought these things to myself, as i mentally recalled each item of food that had been placed in his mouth and possibly caused a reaction, i began to scare myself, to panic and worry.

you would think i would know better by now, that after almost 28 months of being a mother, i’d have the hang of this parenting gig.

*whispers* somedays… i don’t.

so we went. i woke him up from his nap to take him to see the pediatrician because i needed reassurance.

the waiting room was packed and i watched jackson run to the fish tank to tell me, to tell himself, to tell anyone who would listen to him, the colors of each fish in the tank.

i watched him “jumping like a kangaroo, mom!” over to the table of puzzles and start to place pieces where they fit.

and then i watched an older child approach the table.

jackson panicked and ran back to me. he stood in between my legs, gripping on to the left one and repeated, “i’m ok mom? i’m ok?”

“yes baby, you’re fine. he just wants to play too. i can see you. go play.”

and upon receiving reassurance, he did.

so once we were called back to see the doctor, i was ready to receive mine.

i ran through the list of symptoms he has shown recently… the sniffles. no cough. saline drops and humidifier have helped but not cleared the congestion. dark eyes. sleeping more during the day. no temp. the rash that i can’t seem to explain. could it be heat rash? we haven’t been outside hardly at all with the heat index being in the triple digits.

and finally i just said it out loud…

“i don’t know and it scared me.”

the rash was minor… probably some “contact dermatitis,” meaning something he had on him or was in contact with was an irritant to his skin.

“he’s a sensitive kid,” the doctor told me after explaining her diagnosis and watching him play with her “orange hammer for the knees, mom!”

she examined jackson with care and he was so obedient and sweet with her that we celebrated with popsicles after the appointment.

and while we enjoyed our ice cold snack in the air conditioning of our home, i couldn’t help but wonder when the watching and worrying stops… if ever… because i know i am a worrier.

to my detriment, i am a worrier.

i’m not always going to be able to protect my son… or be there for him to grasp hold of my left leg. he’s going to fall and get bruises and scrapes all while “jumping like a kangaroo, mom!”

but sometimes i just want to pick him up and put him in my pouch.

WARNING: DO NOT VIEW WHILE CONSUMING A BEVERAGE OR IF YOU HAVE TO PEE… if you do, you will surely spit out the beverage and/or wet your pants.

if you have trouble viewing the video above, click here.

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   PrincessJenn Munching on fresh cheese buns from the bakery. It’s my own personal kind of heaven right now. 21 Jul 2010 from TweetDeck

— this quote was brought to you by quoteurl

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   MyBottlesUp @PrincessJenn i would so flash you for a fresh cheese bun right now. 21 Jul 2010 from TweetDeck in reply to PrincessJenn

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   ArtistMother @PrincessJenn @MyBottlesUp I would flash MY fresh cheese buns for one from a bakery. 21 Jul 2010 from TweetDeck

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   PrincessJenn @MyBottlesUp @ArtistMother BWAHAHAHA you guys slay me. Waiting for the emailed pics 21 Jul 2010 from TweetDeck

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   MyBottlesUp FTW!!!!!!!!!! RT @ArtistMother: @PrincessJenn @MyBottlesUp I would flash MY fresh cheese buns for one from a bakery. 21 Jul 2010 from TweetDeck

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   MyBottlesUp @PrincessJenn GIVE ME THE BAKERY FRESH CHEESE BUN, WHORE!!! (crying, i’m laughing so hard… cuz i’m totally yelling this to you in NYC) 21 Jul 2010 from TweetDeck in reply to PrincessJenn

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   PrincessJenn @MyBottlesUp ROFL!! Come and get it, baby. 21 Jul 2010 from TweetDeck in reply to MyBottlesUp

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   Anne54304 @PrincessJenn Would it be wrong of me to call you an evil food teasing bitch right now? 21 Jul 2010 from TweetDeck in reply to PrincessJenn

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   MyBottlesUp @PrincessJenn can you at the very least twitpic it???? please???? 21 Jul 2010 from TweetDeck in reply to PrincessJenn

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   PrincessJenn Picture of my cheesey buns for @MyBottlesUp 21 Jul 2010 from TweetDeck

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   PrincessJenn @PrincessJenn Well that didn’t work. Way to go tweetdeck. 21 Jul 2010 from TweetDeck in reply to PrincessJenn

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   MyBottlesUp @PrincessJenn YOU ARE A TEASE!!!!!!!!! A CHEESE BUN TEASE WHORE!!!!!!!!! 21 Jul 2010 from TweetDeck in reply to PrincessJenn

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   PrincessJenn OK this time for reals. Cheesey buns: http://twitpic.com/27czbw http://twitpic.com/27czzb 21 Jul 2010 from TweetDeck

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   MyBottlesUp @PrincessJenn you should see the size of my eyes…. because they would frighten you. 21 Jul 2010 from TweetDeck in reply to PrincessJenn

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   PrincessJenn Oh, and this might be for dessert, @mybottlesup. Don’t hate. http://twitpic.com/27d0ef 21 Jul 2010 from Twitpic

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   MyBottlesUp @PrincessJenn might?!?!?! there’s already one missing!!!!!! 21 Jul 2010 from TweetDeck in reply to PrincessJenn

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   PrincessJenn @MyBottlesUp Wasn’t me. I swear. One of the girls at group stole one 21 Jul 2010 from TweetDeck in reply to MyBottlesUp

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   MyBottlesUp @PrincessJenn and was her name vista??? and did she give it to her mommy??? #youarefullofshit 21 Jul 2010 from TweetDeck in reply to PrincessJenn

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   PrincessJenn @MyBottlesUp LOL!! NO, I swear. I bought them before group and share them as a mommy’s snack. 21 Jul 2010 from TweetDeck in reply to MyBottlesUp

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   PrincessJenn @MyBottlesUp What I didn’t show you is all the cream puffs we may have eaten which is why only one cinnamon bun is gone. lol 21 Jul 2010 from TweetDeck in reply to MyBottlesUp

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no. i’m not going. for those of you who follow me on twitter, you are aware of this… probably have been for a while. and for those of you who have unfollowed, if not blocked me, on twitter, yet continue to read my blog (yes, i see you) then perhaps this is news to you.

so, in order to fully embrace the pink elephant that has existed for nearly 10 months, here’s the deal… i gave my ticket away. months ago. it’s gone. been gone. to a wonderful human being… to someone i admire, someone i respect and someone who continues to blow my mind with her strength and inner growth.

my only regret is that i will not be able to hug this amazing woman.

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but back to the elephant… my hate mail has heightened since another blogger, a very well-known blogger, endured her own experience very recently and posted about it. as per usual, word spread quickly in the blogosphere and in the land of twitter.

as for me, i was at my cousin’s wedding, in austin, tx, when this occurred and yet my phone blinked and vibrated with incoming messages, emails and tweets.

and when i felt my phone vibrating inside of my clutch, i was left to assume there was some sort of internet drama taking place that people were making me aware of. (after all, i was sitting in a chapel with my entire extended family. obviously no one was trying to reach me about the death of a family member. those calls are the worst.)

anyway, i don’t know catherine. we do not correspond on twitter or elsewhere. but once i got myself up to speed on her story, her experience, i empathized with her. while i may not know her or “know” her (as those of us bloggers can come to “know” one another without truly knowing one another), or even be one of her eleventy followers, i empathized.

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then i read a thought-provoking post yesterday on mamapop.com and i couldn’t help but take some time to be quiet and reflect.

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how quick we are to respond… myself included.

but how slooooow we are to let go. i mean truly LET GO.

we want instant gratification.

and ultimately…

life is too short.

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part of me envies this nifty aspect of men that i have heard about and even been witness to on rare occasions. men are wired so differently than women, and whether the “grudge-holding” wire was once cut in their brain and thus set a precedent… i dunno… point being, men get over shit.

some men.

those men who still have that wire fully intact, find themselves emailing me and/or commenting me just as much hate as women, or referring to me in the comments section of other blogs as one of the “few bad apples to leave such a strong impression,” or continuing to create false twitter accounts using my picture and/or name.

so i ask you, yes YOU, those of you who continue struggling with letting go…

have you thought for just one second that you have prejudged?

have you been criticized yourself? like, ever? on a continual basis?

have you had others bring shit up to you that causes you to roll your eyes and think to yourself “really?!? you’re STILL thinking about this and asking me about it AGAIN?!?”

and lastly, why on earth can’t you let go?

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if you think that i’m not talking about YOU in this post, you’re wrong.

i am. all of you.

but don’t worry, you won’t see me in NYC. i’m visiting friends the sunday and monday after the conference. i won’t run into you.

i’m not giving the keynote.

but if i were, it would have been something along the lines of this post, because ultimately, this ugliness that continues to manifest itself here and there is not about me, it’s not about catherine either or any other blogger who has posted something remotely controversial on their blog.

it’s about us all.