slipping away
over the last few weeks, i have felt my brain slowly slipping away to the land of panic and tension and fear. some days i worry that it’s the pregnancy screwing with my head, and other days it’s circumstantial things that have nothing to do with me but everything to do with me. and i take it all on as my own.
the sleeplessness has returned. the tears are RIGHT THERE. the heaviness and weight of it all feels paralyzing at times.
do you ever find that you are surrounded by people, loving people, well-intentioned people, and yet you feel utterly alone?
logic tells me this is a difficult time of year. the holidays are rough on everyone for varying reasons. the end of a new year and beginning of another brings on feelings and emotions that i am not yet ready to deal with. so i’ve been stuffing. i’ve been swallowing and stuffing and pushing these feelings down in the hopes that they bury themselves somewhere. i don’t know where exactly but somewhere. should they surface, i’ll have to deal with them and i simply don’t want to do that right now.
paul worked late last night, so i took jackson on a dinner date to panera. i watched him play with his batman and joker super heros, enjoy his grilled cheese, make faces at another little boy who i think wanted his batman and joker super heros, and just enjoy a change of pace.
as much as i relished some one-on-one time with my quickly growing little man, i couldn’t help but think of the dinner dates jackson and i have ahead of us come spring time when paul deploys. and then i couldn’t help but think about the fact that HOLY SHIT I’M HAVING A BABY WITHOUT HIM come april. and then i thought about how quickly time passes and how i am half way through this pregnancy… half way to delivering this little girl without my partner by my side.
how do you bring a life into a world without the love of your life being there?
and yes, it could be worse. i could be in the shoes of my 33 year old friend who is awaiting a double mastectomy next week for breast cancer that was luckily found with early detection. i could be in the shoes of our dearest friends, jackson’s godparents, who are awaiting results on their 2 year old daughter’s MRI and lumbar puncture to determine her course of treatment. because that’s what you do after your twin daughter has a brain tumor removed… you wait.
there is always someone who has it worse off than you do, just in the same way that there is always someone who has it better off than you do. it’s what you do with what you have been given that i’m trying to figure out. and given my brain and what it has a tendency to do, i’m struggling with that at this moment in time.
i’m hopeful. most days, i’m hopeful. and i do have support. but i feel it.
i feel myself slipping away from myself.
googling ailments leads you here
if you were to google ’round ligament pain’ you would be given a ton conflicting information (like most things when it comes to internet-diagnosing yourself for whatever is pestering you. which is why i continue to google my pregnancy ailments. because that makes sense.)
you’ll read that ’round ligament pain’ is sharp. and dull. and a shooting pain. and only lasts a few seconds. but is also a longer-lasting ache.
you’ll read that it can lead to cramping, but if it does, you should call your doctor.
but then you’ll read that the sharp, stabbing pain can lead to lower abdominal cramping. so that’s fun.
and then you’ll read about calling your doctor if there is also nausea and vomiting associated with the sharp but dull shooting but longer-lasting pain because IT’S NOT LIKE YOU HAVE NAUSEA AND VOMITING AT ANY OTHER POINT THROUGHOUT PREGNANCY.
it’s not at all confusing. actually, it’s pretty straight forward.
which is why i have been on the phone with my obgyn’s nurse most mornings of this week, and is also why i have a prenatal massage scheduled for tomorrow morning.
because i’m totally on top of knowing my body and understanding all of its happenings. i’ve been to this horse-and-pony ride before.
my body is totally a wonderland.
my solution for the dog has people questioning my sanity (no surprise)
red has behaved so horribly since we moved. honestly, he’s been awful and i have even referred to him as “a marley dog” on more than one occasion. and yes, i know he’s a lab and high-energy and needs a lot of attention and and and… but he’s trained. he is five years old and he’s trained.
he knows better. and he’s still being a bastard.
nothing is enough for him. no amount of attention, outside time, treats, walks, play time, none of it is ever enough. and ya know what? it needs to be enough, because while i love animals and think they’re fantastic, the bottom line is, they’re animals. my dog is not going to take priority over the humans in my life.
we treat him well. red is very loved. even on the days when he takes out his anger on us by leaving surprise turds throughout the house because we left him for a few hours, we still love him. he pisses us off, but we love him. he annoys the hell out of us, but we love him.
it dawned on me this weekend, when discussing red’s abundant attention-grabbing antics, that i may have a solution to this problem. i have figured out how to occupy the dog while still being able to live our lives.
we need a second dog.
i’ve mentioned it to a few people and have gotten mixed responses. some people think it’s a great idea and that red having a companion would help out his current shitty behavior. and other people think my pregnant status has caused me to multiply everything in my life, including canines, which is just crazy.
here’s the thing though… i am crazy. i was crazy enough to go along with paul and pick out red to bring home 3 days before paul left for japan for months. i’m crazy enough to add kids to this wack-a-doo world that we live in. pretty sure i’m crazy enough to seriously consider getting a dog for the dog.
red needs a friend. and i may just be crazy enough to find one for him… thereby filling our lives with more shit than i ever thought possible.
*EDITED TO ADD* comments below are awesome and give me a lot to think about… but i should mention that a cat is not an option for us as i am DEATHLY allergic to them. so thanks to those of you who have offered another type of animal as a suggestion, but a cat would literally kill me. kthxbye!
the secret is out
paul went with me to my doctor’s appointment this morning…
pickle is doing great! growing and swimming and being just all around awesome.
we found out what we’re having and want to share the news with you, click on over here to find out!
(hint… we are tickled!)
the klug crew: tuesday, all things considered
billy’s latest post can be found by clicking here.
there is something i have always loved about male writers. even thinking back to creative writing classes i took in high school, the guys who were in my classes were some of the most unique voices and perspectives that i enjoyed. and now, some of my most treasured blogs that i read are written by men. why is that? why am i so intrigued by the male writer? i’ve never been able to put my finger on it… is it simply the fact that they’re male? is it that their voice is so different from that of a female? is there a sensitivity that comes with a male artist that i admire? a vulnerability not typically seen in the average male? i don’t know. maybe a combination of all of the above. whatever “it” is that i have always adored about male writers, my friend billy has it. and as much as i admire him already, and have for the years that i have known him, it’s his writing that really strikes a chord with me.
(more simply said, you should read his post today.)
after getting a solid night of rest (that was surprisingly uninterrupted by pee breaks. i think i am THAT TIRED that i prefer to just pee myself than get out of bed… not that i peed the bed, i’m just sayin), i feel like i am capable of expressing a somewhat coherent thought today.
i’ve attempted to wrap my brain around this entire ependymoma situation that our friends and their very brave two year old are up against. i can’t do it. at least i haven’t been able to do it yet. i don’t know if my anger or fear or my love/hate relationship with my faith is keeping me from piecing all of this together… i dunno.
what i do know is that the brilliant surgeons who worked on sweet malorie yesterday, were able to go home saying “i did a damn good job at work today.” i can wrap my brain around that.
paul and i are finding that when we talk about billy and rachel, we are constantly using the phrase, “all things considered…” and i’m wondering now if perhaps that phrase is something that should be used more often, or at least reflected on more often.
how was your day?
well, all things considered, i’d say it was…
how’s the job search going?
all things considered, not bad…
when you stop and think for a second about the number of times in each day that you are asked “how are you? how’s it going? doin ok today?” by anyone, stranger or friend, it’s A LOT.
how do you answer those questions? do you have enough of a perspective on life to pause and say, “all things considered…” before answering? i don’t know that i do. i’m not convinced yet that i have enough perspective on life and its fragility like my friend billy does.
what i do know is that all things considered, today is a day to celebrate. there is a beautiful little girl who survived insurmountable odds yesterday in enduring a surgery that to most is simply unreal. so whatever comes their way this week, whatever results the biopsy shows, whatever bumps are along malorie’s road to recovery… all things considered, today is a day to celebrate.
Have a Sip
