it’s like the new version of alli
i have a parasite. living in my gut. worming its way throughout my intestines and bowels and every time i eat something, it spastically unleashes the fury of itself in the toilet.
(sorry mom, usually i write about jackson’s shit. today it’s my shit.)
anyway, i eat… and then i potty… and then i’m starving.
which sucks entirely because i eat all day long. like normally, on any given healthy day.
i have at least 3 breakfasts, 2 lunches, snacks in between, and dinner.
all day long. every day.
as i type this post, i’m snacking on cheez-its.
so you can imagine what it’s like right now, eating as much as i do, results in me shitting nonstop.
at first i thought i had food poisoning at the hands of my mother because i was at her house when the current resident of my intestines decided to say HELLO and squeeze the life out of my bowels.
i blamed my mom, though her cooking is righteous. she felt horrible for days. i’m fairly certain she has bleached her kitchen twelve times since last sunday.
then i thought i had ecoli, possibly from taking jackson to my parent’s pool where we swam in the pee pool and waded in its disgustingness.
then i thought i had some stomach bug. tons of people have been talking about a stomach thing that’s been going around and pissing people off b/c WHO GETS A STOMACH BUG IN THE SUMMERTIME?!?!?
wrong. wrong. wrong. i was wrong about it all.
according to the doctor, i tested positive for cryptosporidium. ya’ll, it’s so damn nasty that i can’t even talk about it. if you have the balls to click the link and read about it, then yay for you.
i will not be blamed for your nightmares.
so the reason i was so stumped this week in trying to figure out what the hell was going on with my gut, is that i’ve had no other symptoms aside from awful intestinal cramping and the shits.
no fever. no vomiting (i hate puking more than ANYTHING else in the world). no body aches or feeling lousy. none of that.
just a lot of pain and a lot of shit.
i guess i should be glad to have an answer, ya know? be glad to know what’s going on in this warped body of mine that has lost 6 pounds in the last 4 days.
i hate not knowing shit.
also, i can look forward to the new wardrobe i will buy when my 2 weeks of hosting this little fucker is up. (it dies after 2 weeks.)
and, i’m kinda glad it’s not some permanent stomach thing that forces me to eat jamie lee curtis’ poop yogurt.
those commercials weird me out.
he’s just not that into it
“jackson, just take your pants off and try it.”
“no.”
“but all the big boys are doing it… don’t you want to be a big boy?”
“i don’t want to be big.”
“ok well what about the superhero underwear you picked out this morning? don’t you want to wear those?”
“no. i don’t like the supermans underwearses.”
“why not?”
“they’re too small.”
“what?”
“they’re too small for me.”
“ok, so you want to wear daddy’s underwear?”
::nodding::
“fine. take off your diaper.”
“no. i want my diaper on.”
“but you don’t wear a diaper underneath the underwear. you just wear the underwear.”
“I DON’T LIKE THE UNDERWEARSES.”
“do your friends at school wear underwear?”
“no.”
“how about your teachers? don’t they wear underwear and pee in the potty?”
“no.”
“ok, so ms. julie wears a diaper too?”
“mmhmm.”
“but don’t you want the candy?”
“mmhmm. i can have one pleeeeaaaasssse?”
“when you wear your underwear and use the potty, you can get a candy.”
“no.”
“alright. so maybe we’ll try again tomorrow?”
“umm… probably NO. I NEVER EVER NEVER PEE IN THE POTTY.”
if needed, i can be found in the bathroom, repeatedly banging my head against the wall, consuming this entire jar of m&ms.
deep thoughts on the commode
shhhh!!! he’s watching shaun the sheep. go quick!
quick, i said… QUICKER!!!
steps. little steps. little person steps.
dammit.
shhh… don’t breathe. he can hear you breathing.
this tile needs to be cleaned, again.
what IS THAT in the trash can?
never mind, i don’t wanna know.
if i bend myself in half, maybe i won’t have to pee again in 45 minutes.
does my iphone work in here?
check twitter…
i need to call mom later.
“NO BABY, MOMMY’S IN THE POTTY.”
how come HE gets to take 25 minutes of uninterrupted time with his ipad to take a dump?
i want 25 minutes of uninterrupted time… PERIOD.
oh what i could do with 25 minutes…
“yes, you can give mommy the paper.”
“no, mommy doesn’t need THAT MUCH paper.”
“red pees outside in the grass, right mommy?”
“yes baby, animals pee outside in the grass. you are right.”
shit, that’s not right. cats pee indoors.
and hamsters… and turtles…
at least this week i don’t have to worry about him asking about my tampon string.
does medication ever truly expire?
nyquil says it expires.
i bet it doesn’t expire… they just want you to buy more.
money grubbers.
“yes baby, you can wear mommy’s flip flops.”
new tooth brush is needed… asap.
“it’s under the sink. yes, you can build a tower.”
“sure hun, i guess you can flush.”
DON’T DROP THE TRUCK IN.
DON’T DROP YOUR ERNIE IN.
“try again… push the lever ALL THE WAY DOWN.”
my god, what must he think when he looks in the toilet?!?
he’ll need therapy one day.
which reminds me… i need to call my therapist today.
where did i put that number?
::FLUSH::
“let’s wash our hands.”
“more later mom?”
yup. more later.
you can’t use a hair dryer on shit
let me tell you, there are few things more frightening than hearing your child yell “hellllllp mom daddy. HELLLLP!” over the monitor (or really anywhere for that matter.)
so when that happened last night at 9:30, nearly 2 hours after jackson had been put to bed (notice i say “put to bed” meaning he was not actually asleep during that time because he had taken the nap of a rock star yesterday afternoon), it was met with reaction.
paul offered to go check on jackson, and after a couple of minutes, a diapered-only magoo came running out to me in the living room to say “nahnight again mommy.”
::BLINK BLINK::
either jackson had stripped himself down because he got hot, which happens sometimes, lest you forget this fun story about me doing the exact same thing… or, paul had to change him because he had an accident.
and that’s when paul asked the million dollar question, “do we have a second pair of sheets for his new bed?”
::DEER IN HEADLIGHTS::
::BLINK BLINK::
“no. why on earth would i have bought a second set of sheets?!?!?! THAT MAKES TOO MUCH SENSE!”
::BLINK BLINK::
::LAUGHTER::
“ok well… uh… it’s not that bad. we can put a towel or something down.”
WHAT IS HE, A DOG?!?!
after assessing the situation, it was apparent that jackson’s bed of piss was actually THAT BAD and i began to remove bedding. paul started reading to jackson to keep him somewhat in sleepy-mode but i’m fairly certain that my uncontrollable laughter did not help that situation.
waterproof mattress cover… check.
sheets… check.
second set of sheets incase of accidents… FAIL.
so as i’m undoing his bed of piss and laughing and talking to paul about how long it’ll take to do piss laundry, he offers an idea, “just use a hairdryer.”
::DEER IN HEADLIGHTS::
::BLINK BLINK::
“really? you think that’s ok?”
“yeah, i mean we can wash the sheets tomorrow.” (don’t you love the “we” there? ha!)
so i get the hairdryer, plug the sucker in, listen to jackson say, “mommy’s goina dry the hair” and get to work.
and i’m cracking up the entire time.
because the learning curve never stops. the lessons of parenting never get put on hold. there is something new every single day. and it’s up to us to find ways to make it work.
last night, at 9:30, the hairdryer worked. and yeah, i had a moment of “YOU WANT ME TO DO WHAT?!?!” but that moment was quickly replaced with laughter.
and at least it wasn’t shit.
Have a Sip
