please fill out the paperwork accordingly, customize your birth plan so that it suits your needs… fill in the blanks with your emergency contact people, support people, doctor/midwife/doula information… allergies, blood type, baby’s pediatrician.

check off boxes for what to do if you go past your due date, do you want to be induced or not. if you would like to be induced, through which all natural or medicinal methods would you like to be induced — nipple stimulation, stripping/breaking of membranes, pitocin, castor oil, walking, cervical cream, herbs, sexual intercourse.

would you like to be given an enema? a catheter? do you want an IV? if not, how long do you want to go without an IV? if you need an IV would you like to use a heparin or saline lock? do you wear contact lenses?

your support people to be present during labor are (please list full name and contact number)… your support people to be present during the birth are (please list full name and contact number). describe the environment in which you would like to give birth in. music? scents? what will your lighting scheme consist of? do you prefer to wear your own clothing? naked? birthing pool? hospital gown? do you want to walk? do you want to film the birth? portions of the birth? still photos? video? skype or live feed?

would you like to eat and/or drink during labor? if so, please list your last meal request.

your birthing equipment, should you choose it, may consist of the following: birthing ball, birthing bed, birthing stool, birthing tub, squatting bar, shower.

in terms of pain management please check off one or more as it suits your needs. you would like an epidural, a walking epidural, narcotics before trying an epidural, a sledgehammer to the head. perhaps you would like to attempt childbirth sans pain management meds, in which case, when you tell us that you want meds, we should not administer said meds unless you use this safe word: BRONTOSAURUS. (it should be emphasized that if you beg and plead for medication and/or narcotics, promise that you will name the baby after your charge nurse, and offer cash money, you will not be given pain management medication without the use of your safe word.)

how would you like to be monitored? internally? externally? no monitoring unless there are signs of distress? and speaking of distress, would you like an episiotomy?

fill in the correct information for the stages of labor… do you want to be separated from your partner at any point during labor? does your partner want to be separated from you? can we offer you a mirror for you to watch the baby’s progress? multiple mirrors from varying angles? do you want your water to be broken while in labor? how do you feel about encouragement during labor? would you like to be sent home if labor is not progressing? would you prefer labor not be augmented unless medically necessary? who do you want supporting your legs? do you want to touch your baby’s head? would you like your partner to catch the baby? are you comfortable with someone counting for you as you push?

please list which positions you would like to attempt when pushing.

who will be cutting the umbilical cord? (please list full name and contact number as well as social.) will you be cutting the cord? would you like to wait to cut the cord until after it stops pulsating? will you be banking the cord blood? would you consider donating the baby’s cord blood? do you want to see your placenta after birth? no? then please check this box.

the baby will stay with you during your hospital stay. the baby will stay in the nursery until you summon for it. your partner will stay with you during your hospital stay. please do not bring your own furniture or lazy-boy recliner.

please share your thoughts concerning a c-section. you would like to avoid a c-section at all costs. you would like to schedule a c-section at this specific date and time. you only want a c-section if it is medically necessary. who would you like to be present during the c-section delivery? do you want to view the birth? screen lowered? you would like to touch the baby once it is born. you would like your partner to hold the baby once it is born. you would like the opportunity to breast feed as soon as possible.

you would like all evaluations of the baby to be done while you are holding the baby. you would/would not like eye ointment and the vitamin K shot to be administered. you would like to be present for the baby’s first bath. you would like to delay immunizations.

you would like to be present for the circumcision. you would not like to be present but would prefer anesthesia be used for the circumcision. you will have the circumcision performed after discharge.

breast? bottle? breast AND bottle? would you like a lactation consultant to visit you? you will be given gift bags with formula in them to take home. would you like the formula removed from your gift bags? would you prefer not to receive any gift or diaper bags? if supplements are necessary do you prefer cup feeds or finger feeds? though you are aware of the risks of nipple confusion, would you like your baby to have a pacifier?

please sign and date at the bottom. list any additional comments or concerns below.

then life says FUCK YOUR PLAN, WE’LL LET YOUR HUSBAND STAY FOR THE BIRTH OF HIS FIRST DAUGHTER AND DEPLOY HIM SHORTLY THEREAFTER! YOU’RE WELCOME.

and then you throw away every single damn calendar and day-planner you own, except for the one on your iphone, because uh obvs. but you still swear off living your life according to A PLAN, and promise to establish a commune and live off the land while barefoot in the very near future.

good juju breeds good juju. light and love and hope and unicorn kisses.

WE DON’T NEED NO STINKIN PLAN.