independence
this post is for the writing prompt “independence” that’s up over at studio 30+ this week.
she stared at the white, flaked chip on the mug until her coffee was cold. finally she took a sip. then another. and with the third sip, she drained the coffee and left the dregs at the bottom.
the air conditioning kicked on with a slow hum as she pushed herself away from the kitchen table. a small spider made its way up the edge of the white door frame.
for a split second, she entertained the idea of moving back in the house. it was certainly lovely and comfortable. but she had broken free of this house, this space, this life.
the eldest of 5, she was the executor of the will. how she had acquired such responsibility, she had no idea. but it was there. the weight of it all. resting in perfectly cylindrical knots atop her shoulders.
she reached behind her head and squeezed the decades of stress and obligation.
“get rid of it,” she told henry, who scribbled in his notebook and then shrugged at her sibblings.
everything would be auctioned off to the highest bidder. it would be in the papers. dollar signs and last names.
when her brother protested, she closed her eyes.
“just think about it first, j. we don’t have to decide right this minute.”
opening her eyes, she reached for the drained coffee mug. she regarded the chip, touching it with her index finger. applying pressure until the crimson droplet found its way to the surface and then bled onto the rim.
“get rid of it,” she said again, and threw the mug against the pantry door.
cries were heard in the background as she exited the house. her sister called after her, but knew she wouldn’t return. it was never her intention to be there in the first place.
she got in her car and found a band-aid underneath some napkins in her glove compartment. after tossing a used napkin out the window, she lit a cigarette and pulled out of the driveway.
in gratitude for all ye of the internet and also those select few who have had to hold my hair back
there are a select few people in my life who i know will be there for me, no matter what.
i could be in jail and they would bail me out. i could be holding someone hostage at knife point (because guns scare me) and they would be my hostage negotiator. i could be hugging a toilet seat, puking up tequila (i hate tequila) and know my hair will be held back.
i can count those people on one hand, and they most definitely know who they are and how grateful i am for having them in my life.
i’m hoping that those of you who are reading this have one person, a few people, like that for yourselves.
a blogger who i have admired for a long time emailed me, a few months ago, and shared some words that really resonated with me. i had been in a slump with blogging a few months back… not knowing what to post, what not to post, where to draw my boundaries. and i reached out to her. much to my surprise, she wrote back.
her words meant so much to me because she described what i am describing to you… community. granted, it means different things to different people, but there’s something magical that happens when a vulnerable moment is shared and someone nods their head and says, “i hear you.”
earlier this week, jenny, the bloggess, came out in a very candid post about her mental health. i highly suggest you read it. it’s raw and beautiful and respectable in so many ways.
i heard her.
it is no secret that i have been battling my own demons concerning my own mental health and its current instability. i’ve posted about it a number of times over the last couple of months.
and yesterday i found myself back at square one… back on medication.
there is a disappointment that i’m currently feeling about succumbing to a combination of pills to help me get myself back to being… myself. there is sadness that i feel in knowing that paul and i will have to put off trying for another baby until i can get myself stabilized and eventually back off some of the medication.
and while battling these feelings of mine, it was suggested to me, by one of my closest friends, a confidant (a hair-holder-backer if you will) that i write about it. and then it was suggested by this same friend that i talk about it in a live chat that i hosted yesterday.
so i did.
and i was blown away with the kindness, support, and sharing of ideas that took place in that forum yesterday. i’m grateful to those of you who showed up to bare your souls and say “me too.”
this morning, i am brought back to that email from a fellow blogger, the one from a few months ago, and i’m reminded of her beautiful words, of my true community of beautiful people in my life. i’m so grateful for them.
and i’m so grateful for you as well. thank you, truly. you were heard.
family planning a la navy
(couple sits down, each with their calendar…)
“i’m ovulating…”
“we talked about this. i may be deployed 10 months from now.”
“yeah but i’m really feeling it this time… like it could happen…”
“yeah me too, but i’m also feeling that i may be deployed 10 months from now, in which case i’d miss my baby being born.”
“ok well then we should wait.”
“yeah let’s wait.”
“how long do we wait?”
“i don’t know, how long do you want to wait?”
“well, i don’t want to wait at all. you’re making me wait, us wait, as it is…”
“ok well i don’t want any of this but it’s kinda out of my control.”
“don’t put this on me, you’re the one in the military.”
“ok… let’s calm down… we want another baby. we just need to figure out when.”
“we didn’t ‘figure out when’ with our first one, incase you forgot.”
“i’m well aware of that, but since we have the luxury of planning, i thought we should consider everything.”
“in considering ‘everything’ did you consider that we’d be planning when to have another kid according to your career?!?!?”
“no! there are plenty of things to consider, and my career just happens to be one of them…”
“this is so THE ARGUMENT.”
“what?!?”
“THE ARGUMENT?!?!”
“what the hell are you talking about?!?!”
“this is THE ARGUMENT… you being all ‘let’s live our lives according to THE MAN’ and me being all ‘let’s just do what we FEEL.’”
“oh jesus.”
“yeah sure, talk to god now.”
11:00 pm
“honey nut cheerios.”
“really?”
“yeah. followed by lucky charms and then frosted flakes.”
“nah. we couldn’t have those.”
“you ate crispix, didn’t you?”
“no.”
“cracklin oat bran.”
“sometimes.”
“i hate the word ‘bran.’ makes me think of poop.”
**********
AWKWARD SILENCE.
**********
“remember cocoa puffs?”
“i liked cocoa crispies.”
“oh no no. those got soggy way too fast.”
“we could have the ones that weren’t ALL sugar.”
“oh… corn pops?”
“yes! i love corn pops. i could go for some right now.”
“ew. i bet you liked smacks too.”
“yes!”
“that’s disgusting. you just like the puff factor.”
“not-uh, they’re legit.”
“no. lucky charms without the cereal is legit.”
“gross.”
“you’re face is gross.”
“i love you, g’nite.”
“i love you too. but honey nut cheerios with cut up bananas is my favorite.”
SNORE.
Have a Sip
