i sit in a coffee shop. my favorite one in downtown annapolis because it actually does NOT have tourists. it’s a gem to me, this quiet hole-in-the-wall place with a couch in the front window. the couch is covered with a sheet and stained with caffeinated beverages and remnants of scones.

i choose an over-sized chair to sit in near an electrical outlet so i can plug in. my beverage order is taken. i even get a muffin that i’ll probably only eat half of because it’s so enormous. the muffin is placed on a chipped plate, coffee is handed to me and both of these delectable items join my iphone on top of a small mosaic table.

i sit in a coffee stop. i’m wearing my favorite jeans, though it’s over 100 degrees outside today. my jeans that i hardly ever wash because they fit with such comfort that it is as though they are a precious friend, enveloping me in the perfect hug. my hair is unwashed, curls are damp from humidity. my teeth are brushed.

wait.

runs tongue across teeth… tastes colgate.

yup, they are brushed.

but i forgot deodorant.

because i practically ran out the door this morning. this sunday morning. a morning where some families rush out the door to get to church on time… brunch on time… relatives’ houses on time.

i ran out the door to this coffee shop, this sanctuary, to escape.

and i now sit here feeling an overwhelming sense of guilt envelop me.

i have taken time for myself.

**********

my first “real” boss taught me the invaluable lesson of setting boundaries. i say “real” boss because i consider the time i spent working at a women’s crisis center, straight out of grad school, to be my first “real” job… a steady job. the income was crap, but it was a non-profit agency and i have a tendency to forget that one needs money in order to exist.

my emotions and passion had driven me to accept this job in the first place. my “save the world” mentality had entirely taken over and this was the job that was going to prepare me to save the world… from what, i still do not know, but dammit, i was goina save it from something.

anyone who works in a social work environment knows that it is taxing in ways that corporate america is not. i don’t say this to say one is better than the other. they are just simply different and come with different expectations and needs.

clients needs are different. emotions run high. often you operate in “crisis mode” when responding to a client’s needs because usually those needs are immediate. they come to you NOW because they need you NOW.

the day i turned my 2 weeks notice in to my boss, we both cried.

it was hard.

it’s hard to realize that you can’t save the world, no matter how damn hard you try.

she had taught me about boundaries.

she gave me my sharpie marker.

so, i popped the cap off and drew a straight line.

**********

i sit in a coffee shop. i wonder if life is filled with sharpie markers, some with their caps still tightly on, others with ink nearly gone.

i drew a line this morning.

i needed solace.

i knew exactly where i would go.

i drove here, envisioning these words in my mind, beginning this post in my head while sitting at traffic lights.

and yet, i sit here, now writing these words and feel guilty for taking a moment to put myself first.

i check my iphone for a text from my husband, my parents… from anyone who may possibly need me.

no messages.

because i’ve taken out my sharpie marker and drawn a line. no need to put up a sign that says “do not cross.”

the line speaks for itself.

it’s ok for me to say “no” sometimes.