my solution for the dog has people questioning my sanity (no surprise)
red has behaved so horribly since we moved. honestly, he’s been awful and i have even referred to him as “a marley dog” on more than one occasion. and yes, i know he’s a lab and high-energy and needs a lot of attention and and and… but he’s trained. he is five years old and he’s trained.
he knows better. and he’s still being a bastard.
nothing is enough for him. no amount of attention, outside time, treats, walks, play time, none of it is ever enough. and ya know what? it needs to be enough, because while i love animals and think they’re fantastic, the bottom line is, they’re animals. my dog is not going to take priority over the humans in my life.
we treat him well. red is very loved. even on the days when he takes out his anger on us by leaving surprise turds throughout the house because we left him for a few hours, we still love him. he pisses us off, but we love him. he annoys the hell out of us, but we love him.
it dawned on me this weekend, when discussing red’s abundant attention-grabbing antics, that i may have a solution to this problem. i have figured out how to occupy the dog while still being able to live our lives.
we need a second dog.
i’ve mentioned it to a few people and have gotten mixed responses. some people think it’s a great idea and that red having a companion would help out his current shitty behavior. and other people think my pregnant status has caused me to multiply everything in my life, including canines, which is just crazy.
here’s the thing though… i am crazy. i was crazy enough to go along with paul and pick out red to bring home 3 days before paul left for japan for months. i’m crazy enough to add kids to this wack-a-doo world that we live in. pretty sure i’m crazy enough to seriously consider getting a dog for the dog.
red needs a friend. and i may just be crazy enough to find one for him… thereby filling our lives with more shit than i ever thought possible.
*EDITED TO ADD* comments below are awesome and give me a lot to think about… but i should mention that a cat is not an option for us as i am DEATHLY allergic to them. so thanks to those of you who have offered another type of animal as a suggestion, but a cat would literally kill me. kthxbye!
thirty-one
it’s like the new version of alli
i have a parasite. living in my gut. worming its way throughout my intestines and bowels and every time i eat something, it spastically unleashes the fury of itself in the toilet.
(sorry mom, usually i write about jackson’s shit. today it’s my shit.)
anyway, i eat… and then i potty… and then i’m starving.
which sucks entirely because i eat all day long. like normally, on any given healthy day.
i have at least 3 breakfasts, 2 lunches, snacks in between, and dinner.
all day long. every day.
as i type this post, i’m snacking on cheez-its.
so you can imagine what it’s like right now, eating as much as i do, results in me shitting nonstop.
at first i thought i had food poisoning at the hands of my mother because i was at her house when the current resident of my intestines decided to say HELLO and squeeze the life out of my bowels.
i blamed my mom, though her cooking is righteous. she felt horrible for days. i’m fairly certain she has bleached her kitchen twelve times since last sunday.
then i thought i had ecoli, possibly from taking jackson to my parent’s pool where we swam in the pee pool and waded in its disgustingness.
then i thought i had some stomach bug. tons of people have been talking about a stomach thing that’s been going around and pissing people off b/c WHO GETS A STOMACH BUG IN THE SUMMERTIME?!?!?
wrong. wrong. wrong. i was wrong about it all.
according to the doctor, i tested positive for cryptosporidium. ya’ll, it’s so damn nasty that i can’t even talk about it. if you have the balls to click the link and read about it, then yay for you.
i will not be blamed for your nightmares.
so the reason i was so stumped this week in trying to figure out what the hell was going on with my gut, is that i’ve had no other symptoms aside from awful intestinal cramping and the shits.
no fever. no vomiting (i hate puking more than ANYTHING else in the world). no body aches or feeling lousy. none of that.
just a lot of pain and a lot of shit.
i guess i should be glad to have an answer, ya know? be glad to know what’s going on in this warped body of mine that has lost 6 pounds in the last 4 days.
i hate not knowing shit.
also, i can look forward to the new wardrobe i will buy when my 2 weeks of hosting this little fucker is up. (it dies after 2 weeks.)
and, i’m kinda glad it’s not some permanent stomach thing that forces me to eat jamie lee curtis’ poop yogurt.
those commercials weird me out.
angry birds
the weather here has turned gorgeous. granted, it’ll most likely only last for another 76 and a half hours before something catastrophic happens to change the course of the weather patterns (also, watch out on may 21, just FYI) but really, it’s been gloriously beautiful in the baltimore/dc and surrounding areas as of late.
a nice, crisp 65 degrees with sunshine and a breeze coming off the bay in the mornings, and a high in the low 70′s. it’s been my ideal weather for driving with my windows down… well, partially down b/c i don’t like to mess up my hair that much. i work too hard and use too much product to get it looking the “effortlessly messy” that it normally looks.
point being, i’ve been driving around with my windows down.
strange thing happened to be the other day… and as per usual, when strange things happen to me, i took to the twitter with it…
anyway, it’s been a few days since this incident occurred, and being the lazy ass super busy parent that i am, i haven’t had energy time to have my car washed.
yesterday, i took jackson to spend a gift card he had received for his birthday. we approached an intersection where roadwork was taking place and i was forced into the far left hand lane, with the crew painting arrows in the middle lane.
just out. painting. IN A MAIN INTERSECTION. in the middle of the day.
of course i get the red light at said intersection and my windows are rolled down and the road crew takes a look at the surrounding vehicles. as the crew stood there IN THE MIDDLE OF TRAFFIC, i couldn’t help but think about the way some people are when it comes to the whole “pedestrians have the right of way” law.
you know the people who will enter a pedestrian walkway regardless of the amount of high speed traffic taking place at 3:30 in the afternoon. they’ll walk out IN THE MIDDLE OF TRAFFIC and whoever is driving will be forced to stop, because, ya know, that’s THE LAW. then the pedestrian gives this look, a look like “yeah. that’s right. stop your car even though you’re running late for carpool. stop your car and watch me walk because THE PEDESTRIAN HAS THE RIGHT OF WAY.”
so the road crew scopes out my peace wagon and i don’t realize they are pointing at my car until i hear laughter that is so overwhelmingly loud, it drowns out lady gaga. jackson is entirely enthralled with all of the road crew equipment, so he is of no help when it comes to paying attention to what is going on around me.
then i am approached at my open window by a member of the road crew.
“lady, you need a car wash!”
“no kidding. you offering?”
::laughter::
“nah, i’ve got work to do.”
(uh… you’re not doing it if you’re talking to me dude.)
“funny thing is, i had rolled up my windows just before this happened.”
“WHAT?!?!?”
“yeah, true story. i had just rolled up the windows before the bird unleashed the fury of its bowels on my car.”
“awww damn. you got lucky.”
“i know!!! i should’ve bought a lottery ticket.”
::more laughter::
the light turned green, i waved goodbye and made my left turn through the intersection of death.
fast forward to this morning. i still haven’t mustered up the energy found the time to hit up a car wash.
i pull up to jackson’s school for drop off and one of his teachers comes out to the car and gets him out of his car seat. her eyes widen and for a split second, i wonder if she smells the fart i let go of as we turned in that hadn’t yet wafted out of my open windows.
“girl, you have got some ANGRY birds in your neighborhood.”
(phew… ok, she didn’t smell my fart.)
“ohhhh, i know. i’ve been getting laughed at and looks with each traffic light i’m stopped at.”
“seriously… what on EARTH?!?!”
“well, funny thing is, i had JUST ROLLED UP MY WINDOWS right before the bird pooped a plenty.”
::shakes her head and hoists jackson up onto her hip::
“MOM HAS ALL THE BIRD POOPS ON THE CAR!!!!”
::laughter::
“so, i guess now you have to keep it looking the way it does… if it’s making people laugh…”
::shrug::
i wave goodbye, head back home to shower, because while i may not clean my car, i do clean myself, sometimes. and then it struck me… jackson’s teacher gave me the go ahead to continue in my slothful manner and not clean my car.
BONUS!
so, if you’re a reader and you find yourself in this neck of the woods, and possibly scope out a peace wagon looking like this…
just know that it’s all for a good cause. i’m keeping my car shat upon for the sake of laughter and smiles. the things i do for you people!
Have a Sip
