my parents gave us an espresso machine for christmas, which is VERY APPRECIATED as it was MUCH NEEDED in our household. the problem is that paul is classically trained in the operation of the espresso machine (because he read the manual) and i am not (because i don’t read instructions… ever.)

i just attempted to make my first mocha with a double shot of espresso. and i failed. kind of. what i am now drinking does contain chocolate syrup and two + shots of espresso because i overflowed, so i will most likely have the caffeine jitters by the time i hit “publish” on this post.

i should’ve just gotten in the car and gone to starbucks.

though i have what i would call a distinct NEED for coffee (paul would most likely call it an obsession), i am in particular NEED of caffeine to run through my veins at this distinct moment on this distinct monday for the following reasons…

- the weekend didn’t work out as we had intended. originally, paul and i were going to go away and ski for the weekend. i bailed. why? because i didn’t want to pack yet another suitcase. i’ve been living out of suitcases since november and the thought of packing another one and prepping just for a short weekend getaway gave me a panic attack and made me consider cutting my wrists (the incorrect way, don’t worry.)

- instead of going to bed early on friday night to catch up on the sleep that i have not been getting over the last 2 months, i stayed up til 1 am with my husband, drinking beer and watching conan’s last show. paul and i took a trip to nyc a few years ago and stood in line to be audience members in one of conan’s shows, but we honestly weren’t HUGE conan fans. yeah, what NBC is doing is totally dick and jay leno is a douche, but we knew that already.

- the magoo ended up spewing liquid out of both ends of his body because he was fed expired hummus (the individual who fed said expired hummus to the magoo shall remain nameless.) needless to say, this made things very NOT fun for saturday evening and into sunday. multiple loads of puke and diarrhea laundry is not my idea of a good time. in addition to the extra laundry, a horrendous diaper rash now festers on my son’s bum.

- i’ve been contacted with regards to a potentially STABLE freelancing gig as a blogger, and i’m sweating bullets over it because it could be ABSOLUTELY AWESOME. those of you who blog, freelance, or just dream of “working” while sitting on your couch, not wearing a bra and drinking a crappy mocha know what i mean. i can say no more about this potential opportunity because my palms are already dripping with sweat and i don’t want to short-circuit my keyboard. also, i could jinx it.

- i’m in the midst of my anxiety meds being adjusted, which is never an easy experience. regardless of what you may take medication for, adjusting any bit of it, whether it’s the dosage or switching to an entirely different drug, is so hard to do. this is why they call it “chemistry” and why i came THIS CLOSE to failing it in high school. every teeny milligram, even part of a milligram of the medication needs to be JUST RIGHT in order for it to balance out what is currently imbalanced in mah head. this process, when it works, can take up to weeks to see “improvement.” it’s not a fun process for me or for those around me, cuz they never know when i’m goina go all wack-a-doo on their asses… or just not be able to get out of bed.

- on a similar note, i’m getting to spend countless hours each day finding a shrink who takes my insurance. currently there are none within a 60 mile radius of where we live. that’s the bad news. the good news is that my family practitioner (who i saw last week) is helping me as much as possible to use her resources to find me someone to purge my shit on.

- this maryland weather is so messed up and it’s messing with mah head. i need to see the sun. i NEED to. it can be cold as hell out (well, hell supposedly isn’t cold… i’ll report back once i learn for sure) point being, as long as i can see sunshine, i’m good. lately, if the sun peaks out here, it lasts for about 25 minutes and then it’s gone for 25 days. not so good.

- the magoo bed/crib situation is still sucking. this of course is unless paul is home, and then all is well with the world. the magoo sleeps 2 + hours, wakes up happy as a clam, and doesn’t make me absolutely distain toddlerville. when paul is not home, we have what i now refer to as the magoo-monster. this does NOT make for good nap times, which does NOT make for fun afternoons and makes me absolutely loathe toddlerville and all that comes with it. the magoo-monster is manipulating and playing the favorite parent game.

so those are my reasons for needing an abundance of caffeine. i have now consumed 85% of my mocha and all i have left is chocolate syrup.

just hook me up to an IV next time.

i’m a strategist when it comes to parking lots. when galavanting around this lovely town of annapolis in my itty bitty VW hatchback (complete with “peace and love” bumper sticker), i park with an agenda.

my car becomes a puzzle piece and it must fit juuuuuuuuust right.

when turning into a grocery store parking lot, i always find a spot near the grocery cart puter-awayer if not directly next to it. this way i can get the magoo settled in the car, load my loot in the car and then pop my cart over in the puter-awayer within a super short amount of time.

it’s quite remarkable actually, and i do commend my own timeliness.

when driving into a mall parking lot, i hunt for a parking spot that does not have another vehicle next to it. this way i can flip out the magoo’s stroller, plop magoo in said stroller, snag the diaper bag and any items i may be returning with maximum space around me and not fearing that i will scratch anyone else’s automobile.

when driving to a restaurant… lately this has just been to panera as panera is currently the meca for all parents during lunch time, i park next to a garbage can. this is because, like my husband, i too carry my beverage (let’s just say a sierra mist) to my car for a few final sips… but unlike my husband, i do not like beverages in my car. the spill factor is too much for me to handle when driving while jackson is throwing toys for me to pick up and give back to him. so i get my final few sips in and then toss my beverage in the trash can instead of leaving it on the ground next to the wheel of someone else’s car.

point being, i park with a purpose.

today, post-panera-lunching with jackson, we scoot through the parking lot to drop off a prescription to be filled (since i saw my doc yesterday and am addressing my grief and awesome anxiety). since i had no groceries to purchase, i did NOT park with my typical intentions and therefore parked like every other non-wackadoo human being on the face of the planet.

i parked wherever there was an empty spot.

it is when i am bent over 1/2 in the backseat of my car, one leg in the car and one leg out of the car, unbuckling the magoo from his car seat that this elderly woman CLOSES MY CAR DOOR ON MY LEG.

“excuse me,” i said to her as she attempted to squeeze in between my now nearly closed car door and her diagonally parked cadillac.

she says nothing.

dressed in what looks to be her sunday best for a trip to the grocery store, cranberry colored winter coat to match her cranberry colored prescription sunglasses and cranberry colored cane, it dawns on me that she did not hear me.

so i repeat myself…

“EXCUSE ME,” i said again still with my car door closed on my leg.

she acknowledges me, “i’m just trying to get by, kiddo,” she says.

KIDDO?!?!?

now i’m mad. she finds her way to the end of her cadillac and goes along, most likely NOT expecting me to talk back to my elders.

WRONG!!!

“excuse me,” i said for the third time. “could you not have waited the 45 seconds it takes for me to get my KIDDO out of his car seat before CLOSING MY CAR DOOR ON MY LEG?!?”

with the magoo now out of the car and on my hip, the elderly woman glares at me and says, “well aren’t you a little young and sassy to have a child of your own?”

my jaw drops and she walks away.

UGH!!! YEAH LADY, I’M ALSO YOUNG AND SASSY ENOUGH TO LEAVE A DIRTY DIAPER ON YOUR SWEET BOAT OF A CADDY TOO.

crap. i owe this blog a serious update of massive proportions.

but it’s not going to happen today. i’d like for it to happen today, but i just don’t have it in me.

after 2 weeks of being gone and sleeping in more locations than i can remember, crying way more than an obscene amount, and then returning home… i find myself depleted in every way.

this last week has sucked in ways that have taken a toll on me mentally, emotionally and physically. i wasn’t prepared for any of this, but neither was my dear college roommate, em, who lost her sister at 18 and is now being the rock for her grieving family to rest on.

em- i love you so much and i am always here for you.

**********

so yeah, the holiday was good. jackson was spoiled rotten. his loot of gifts had to be shipped back home because there was too much to fit in our luggage.

paul and my father-in-law taught me how to shoot a gun, which i swore to myself i would never do. i’ll most likely never do it again, but had my own reasons for learning and accomplished my goal. hell, i even shot a tin bowling pin target thingy down. entirely by accident… but still.

the holiday is kind of this whirlwind that’s in the back of my mind.

did it really happen?

holidays with a child who has both sets of grandparents in the same city is both a blessing and a curse. you (the primary caregiver) bring your “work” with you over the holidays and it’s never as relaxing as you may have hoped. at least it’s not for me. it was wonderful to have 4 loving grandparents and 2 uncles to occupy jackson, babysit and dote on him for two solid weeks. however, now i am at home with a tantrum-driven, (nearly) 21 month old who has been given everything he has asked for… and sometimes i say “no.”

so between the crocodile tears and pretzel throwing and door banging, i wonder where the hell the holiday went.

and new years… when did it become 2010?

new years eve was spent with one of my six former roommates on night-duty over em and her parents after we buried her sister that morning.

i’ll never forget rubbing em’s mom’s feet with vick’s vapo-rub and placing warm socks on her in an attempt to get her to relax enough to sleep a few hours.

i’ll never forget it because i was exactly where i was supposed to be.

em- i love you so much and i’m always here for you.

**********

i have a ton of family pictures to share. a lot of great stories. but for now this post will have to do, because i really need a nap.

ps- thanks to all of you who have sent such loving comments, facebook messages, tweets and emails. the comments on each of my posts close after 5 days, so for those of you who emailed me because you couldn’t comment the last few days, i thank you for your persistence and kindness.

i love my mother. truly. deeply.

she and i are connected in unspeakable and unimaginable and incredible ways. she is my BEST friend… she is the woman i yearn to become every day. i breathe my mother. i speak my mother. she is the embodiment of all that is good, true, real and honest in not only motherhood but womanhood.

she is not someone you want to cross.

i love my mother. truly. deeply.

she, being 50-whatever (not that it matters) is fantastically gorgeous. should i look as good as she does now when i am her age, i will consider myself unbelievably blessed. the best part about it is that she is humble. she’s one of those who has no idea, the depth of her beauty… which makes her that much more intriguing.

true beauty, true love

unassuming, unconditionally loving and unafraid… my mother will fight to the death for me and for what is mine, which now includes a family of my own.

(this is not to discount my father, my brother or my in-laws by any means. i am so grateful and blessed to know that jackson will be growing up with both sets of amazing grandparents, each bringing and so willingly offering their bits and pieces of wisdom and love to our son.)

i love my mother. truly. deeply.

sometimes she forgets things… mistakes things… doesn’t remember things. because with the wisdom of parenthood, grandparenthood and so forth comes forgetfulness.

i learned this lesson last night.

thanks to harry potter and half blood prince.

paul and i have been together for 10 years… and married for just over 5. we have come to associate the holidays with the release of either a harry potter movie or lord of the rings, if not both.

once the magoo entered our life, all of this changed.

priorities changed.

everything changed… for the better.

paul and i sat on our couch last night, thinking we had already seen harry potter and the half blood prince when in fact we had not. we bought the movie on-demand and upon seeing just the first few minutes, paused the movie and had the following conversation…

“have you seen this?” i asked paul.

“well i read the book…” he said.

“ok so this is the one where so and so… ya know… right?” i say

“well uh yeah… but hold on lemme double check on the computer.”

while he’s researching on the computer, i find myself going back through my head thinking “shit, this movie came out last summer… we had a 9 month old… we had moved… we were settled… we had no feeding tube coming out of our child’s nose… why the hell didn’t we see this in the theater?”

by the time i exit my own convoluted mind, and paul finishes his harry potter online research, it dawns on the both of us that… not only had we never seen this movie that we thought we had already seen, but…

WE HAVE BECOME OUR PARENTS.

forgetful. laughable. questionable.

beautiful.

we are parents. our priorities have changed. in a good way. in a way that suits us, as funny and silly as it may be. as agonizing and painful as it may be. as fantastic and joyful as it may be.

we are parents… and i am becoming my mother.

so, as i take a break from blogging over the holiday, while we travel and spoil our magoo rotten with the help of both sets of grandparents, i encourage those of you who are parents to take note of the wisdom our own parents have bestowed upon us. for those of you who are parents-to-be… wow! you have so much to look forward to! take notes! and REST! and for those of you who do not have parenthood anywhere near your radar… enjoy your holiday season, and have a round for me!

hell, have two.

***EDITED*** apparently hotdads took it upon themselves to give me an early christmas present, awarding me with a hot mama award. all i can say is thank you. i’ve got good genes… look at the lady above, my own mama.

so mom… this one is for both of us…

i found jackson post afternoon nap, climbing like a spider monkey out of his crib. like this…

WOO!!!

after calling my husband and my mother, i went to the twittersphere… some said “go to a toddler bed,” others suggested this tent-type thing to place over the crib, and others suggested just going to a regular bed. all opinions and insights were so welcomed because jackson scared THE SHIT out of me… like THE SHIT.

so paul gets home from work and i bombard him with all of this. he asks me if this transition is something that needs to take place “like tonight?” and i respond with “YES!!!” so we remember where the transitional crib/toddler bed rail is that came with his crib. we find the instructions, gather the tools, etc…

in the midst of all of this, many other moms of toddlers have now asked me about this or are in the midst of this dilemma themselves… so i promised photos… here’s what i have so far. both paul and jackson are in the midst of creating crib-gone-toddler-bed as i upload photos and write this post…

ooops!!! wrong one... try again...

there we go... game on!!!

DUDE, I AM SO OUTTA HERE!!!

so, again... what once was...

is now becoming...

toddler rail to replace crib rail

checkin it out...

tasting the rail, wondering if it's as NOM NOM as the last...

and we're in!!!!!!!!!

forget this... i'm outta here... AGAIN!!!

**********

shit.

**********

advice, ideas, tips for keeping one’s sanity (that may already be lost)… all are welcome!!!

ps- jackson’s crib is from target by DaVinci, incase you’re wondering.

pps- target did not pay me to write the above statement.

**********

*UPDATE* we survived with the magoo staying in his big boy bed all night long. we kept his nighttime routine the same as it was when he was in his crib, and we didn’t hear a peep out of him until we let the dog loose at 7:15 this morning. that’s when jackson got out of his bed and began scratching at the door.

i have placed duct tape over the lock on his side of the door knob in his room until paul and i figure out what contraption we’ll get to cover the door knob. my worst fear would be the magoo accidentally locking himself in his room… TRAUMA for EVERYONE. yikes, we don’t need that. me thinks a trip to babies r us for kiddie proof gear plus dinner OUT is in order for us this evening.

it’ll be interesting to see how nap time goes today… we have shades drawn and dark curtains pulled shut in his room to make it as dark as possible… but still, it’s nap time not nahnight time. paul left for work today, encouraging me to stay strong and if i hear him just playing in there, to keep him in there til his normal wake up time.

wish me luck!!!