amidst the urine leakage there is denial
no one told me that subsequent pregnancies meant an increase of urine in your pants. which, when you’re pregnant, can be kinda freaky because it causes you to be all “OMG IS THAT AMNIOTIC FLUID IN MY PANTS?” and then you’re supposed to smell it to make sure it’s not amniotic fluid, but no one is entirely clear about what you should be smelling for… rancidness? sweet smelling flowers? the odor of piss?
WHO KNOWS? just know that you need to smell your pants. for something.
operation baby prep/deployment planning/support system establishment is going surprisingly well. part of me can’t help but feel a bit guilty about the prep, since most of it consists of phone conversations and skype chats about spring time plans. can i count on you for this, that, or the other diaper changing duties, make sure i have food in my house that has not passed its expiration date, possibly coming over to do a load of baby burp cloth laundry? type of stuff.
there’s not a lot of shopping and oogling over ruffles and lace. no registries to sign up for. no shower will be had (THANK GOD). there’s no nursery that we’re in the throes of painting. no crib we are beating each other over the head with the legs of. we’ll just pull a drawer out of our dresser for pickle to sleep in and hold off on cribbing and decorating until we’re in the other house. we have every bottle system under the sun thanks to jackson’s allergy issues to my boob juice, so we’re in good shape there too. basically pickle could arrive tomorrow and we’d find a way to make it work.
(this could also be my next stage of denial typing to you.)
both paul and i were saying this afternoon that while we feel like we’re in a great place in terms of our planning, the reality of the calendar is a constant in our minds. jackson’s clinging to paul for dear life, which is both endearing and heartbreaking. the kid can’t seem to get his days of the week to go in consecutive order, but he fools me with his little almost-4-year-old sense of time. with the holidays over, he has moved on to talking about his birthday. his birthday which will be mere days apart from his baby sister’s. he has no concept of time and yet he tells me that he should’ve been at school today, “because it’s monday, mom.”
time makes absolutely no sense to me these days. one of my best friend’s came by last week with her brand new bundle. i say ‘brand new’ but she’s actually not. she’s 10 weeks. a full 2 and a half months old. she’s basically ready for prom. when i held her, she told me that lea michele’s golden globe dress would be a monstrosity. she knew! because babies are made of magic and the ability to tell the future. i could swear that my friend just told me that she was pregnant yesterday, but no, she has a 10 week old baby. no more newborn even. full on baby.
jackson is going to be 4 in a couple of months. i am going to have a 4 year old. WHAT?!?! we’re registering him for school for NEXT year. because it’s january, and apparently at the start of a new year you are supposed to plan and prep for the following fall. he’s fighting a cold right now, and so last night, when paul checked on him before we turned in for the night, we decided to change his jammies to something cooler. our weather is so bizarre here, which is probably why all of us are fighting the snots, but we changed his jammies while he was half asleep. i took it upon myself to then stay a few extra minutes and rock him. with his sweaty head against my chest, we rocked and for a split second, jackson went from being almost 4 years old to almost 4 months old. i felt like i had my wee little magoo in my arms again. exhausted. sweaty. helpless.
and right now, jackson is rocking his baby doll in what was once his swing. he’s also telling me that it’s time for dinner, because apparently time makes more sense to him than it does me. i guess he is prepping for this baby too, in his own way, and thankfully not wetting his pants. unlike his mother. at least i’ve done something right with this parenting gig.
side by side
paul got jackson ready for school this morning and later told me what a lazybones our son had been. he had to wake jackson, hold him over his shoulder while finding some clothes, dress him on the floor, and basically shake the limp noodle out of his noodleness this morning.
jackson is finicky. he likes things to be done a certain way. and he likes to know what to expect next. he’s not napping right now because our landlords are showing the upstairs apartment while wearing cowboy boots. it doesn’t matter that jackson’s sound machine is on full blast, he is covering his ears with his blanket and not sleeping.
because something is slightly off. something is different. there are people where there weren’t people yesterday. there are noises where there shouldn’t be noises.
and so habits are disrupted. routines are thrown off a bit. we roll with what we can and we dig our feet in when we want our “normal” back. jackson dug in his feet this morning. he still went to school, but not without a literal, physical ache to go back to bed.
the baby stuff around the house is new for him. books about becoming a big brother. swings. a bassinet. some baby girl clothing. it’s slowly coming out, making itself known.
and jackson has not left his dad’s side. not for a minute.
can’t say i blame him. paul is my protector too, always has been. next month will mark 13 years that we have been together. 13 years that he has been protecting me, sheltering me, guarding me. it’s one of the things that i love most about him. he is my comfort, my deep breath, my human xanax. i’m seeing that he is that for our son too. paul stabilizes us. he is what we cling to when life gets messy.
right now, we’re holding on to him for dear life… sneaking in extra snuggles, extra time, extra hugs. for as long as we can. i don’t know if he has been able to piece all of the latest happenings together yet, or realized that HE is how we are coping with these transitions. you never see these kinds of things until you are no longer in it, ya know?
but i know this is what we are doing. i can feel it. this is what we know how to do. we’re leaning and holding on tight. and when he goes, we’ll lean on each other. it won’t be the same, but it’ll do. it’ll have to, for a while. until paul is done protecting other people, and returns to protect us once again.
deploy the baby shit
a funny thing happens when your spouse is preparing to leave the country for an extended period of time. you start to plan. the two of you sit down together (or stand, depending on how your aching joints are on that particular day) and sort some shit out. get your ducks in a row. prepare for things. talk about the future.
for us, this usually revolves around a calendar. not the ones on our iphones, but real, pen and paper, square boxes with dates inside calendars. which means that our planning conversation took place as we drove home from our holiday vacation, each with a brand spankin new 2012 calendar from santa/my mom.
i used to be one of those kids who gets disgustingly excited about school supplies. (let it be known, i am this same way as an adult and certainly as a former school teacher, however, this quirk seems to be quite trendy amongst the mom-population, so i feel the need to claim it at its true inception, which for me was in grade school, thankyouverymuch.) the end of the summer would draw near, office max would run commercials on loop, and i would practice my handwriting, label the dividers in my 3-ring binder, and organize erasers to fit in my pencil box going from tallest to shortest.
you can only imagine what a new calendar, wrapped in plastic is like for me on christmas morning. instantly doctors appointments are notated, days off school are marked down in BLOOD RED, and no sooner do i flip to the next month, when it dawns on me that my husband is leaving.
now, i have a few of paul’s deployments under my belt. i don’t say that with any emotion, grandeur, or martyrdom. it’s just a fact of the matter. our son, on the other hand, will be experiencing deployment for the first time when paul leaves in march.
and with the baby arriving in april, paul and i decide, during our hot, sexy calendar talk, that we should probably start to transition the baby stuff out of storage and back in to our lives as a way to prepare jackson for his baby sister’s arrival that will take place when “daddy’s on a long trip.”
and then we decide that this should happen when we bring down the christmas tree and holiday decor.
which all occurred in spurts over the last few days.
like most things, when this taking-down-of-and-putting-back certain household things happened, it snowballed, and before you know it, you’re questioning the paint color of your living room walls and why you gave your son the bigger bedroom (for the record, we didn’t… i’m just saying, those conversations happen when attempting to reorganize ones life).
so the lights have been wrapped back up, the wreath has come down from the front door, and the christmas tree has been boxed up and taken to storage. (also, it came to our attention when taking down the tree that our dog ate 3 of our ’12 days of christmas’ ornaments, so he saved us the trouble of packing up additional ornaments. thank you, red.)
jackson’s old toys have been donated to make room for his loot from santa, and we have felt like the last few days have been extremely productive for a family who really just wanted a few days back at home to hang on the couch and eat an abundance of rich foods before the work week started up again.
it was during all of this sorting and packing and storing that we began to assess our current living situation and how it will change over the next year, specifically how it will change once we have this other small human with female parts living with us come spring time.
our original plan was to combine what will be the baby’s nursery with jackson’s current bedroom. i never shared a room with my brother, but always wanted to. so now i have this INSANE dream of having my two children living blissfully in the same space, co-habitating in peace. (save your laughter for when the baby actually arrives.) what we have since decided is to forgo this little miss pickle having a crib until we are back in our old house.
oh, did i not mention that? we have been renting a house that is a few blocks away from the house we own because we have renters living in that house and their lease is not up until may. and then we have until september on our lease in this house, so that gives us a few months, after the baby has been born and the current renters have moved out, to demolish the house we own, add another bathroom, and redesign the currently shitty excuse for a kitchen before we move back in as a fully functioning family of four.
and all of this will take place with an infant in my arms (breast feeding like a champion with no issues like her brother had), with my husband safely back stateside, no hiccups in our renovation plans, and glorious smiles upon all of our rosy cheeked faces.
it will be then, roughly in the early fall, when our two children will share a bedroom. until then, miss pickle will spend the days of newbornhood in a bassinet, a swing, on my boob, in a pack-n-play, cooing and nuzzling like an angel.
because that’s how planning works, right? you set a plan in place, commit to it, and it all happens with military-like precision and accuracy.
this is why i have online friends
my tolerance for dealing with folks in real life is dwindling by the day. case in point, my morning errand running that consisted of running back and forth from the pharmacy to panera and back to the pharmacy.
SCENE: our local panera, ordering lunch to bring home. (i had already dropped off a prescription to be filled for jackson’s ear infection. they told me it’d take 15 minutes to fill. i told them i would wait… across the street, ordering panera.)
PANERA CHICK: “hi. how can i help you?”
ME: “i’d like to place a to-go order please… one kid’s grilled cheese with apple juice box. one chicken salad sandwich…”
PANERA CHICK: “would you like chips, apple, or french baguette with that?”
ME: “chips is fine. and then one ‘pick two’ with chicken noodle soup and the turkey sandwich, lettuce only…”
PANERA CHICK: “would you like chips, apple, or french baguette with that?”
ME: “chips is fine for that too. then i’d like these cookies as well, and a medium drink please.”
PANERA CHICK: “ok, let me get you a bag for the cookies…”
(goes to get bag)
PANERA CHICK: “here is your bag for the cookies and your number. someone will bring your order to you shortly.”
ME: “wait. i placed my order to-go.”
PANERA CHICK: “oh! you wanted everything to go?”
ME: “yes. everything to go.”
PANERA CHICK: “oh, ok… then just move down the counter and they’ll call your name when it’s ready.”
ME: (skeptical) “ok, but can you do me a favor and read back my order. i know i gave you a lot of information.”
PANERA CHICK: “ok, i have one kids grilled cheese with apple juice box, one chicken salad sandwich with chips, one ‘pick two’ with chicken noodle soup and turkey sandwich and two cookies and a medium…”
ME: “did you get lettuce only on the turkey sandwich?”
PANERA CHICK: “yes. turkey sandwich, lettuce and tomato only.”
ME: “no, it was a turkey sandwich, LETTUCE ONLY.”
PANERA CHICK: “ok, sorry about that. turkey sandwich, no lettuce.”
ME: “NO. IT WAS A TURKEY SANDWICH, LETTUCE ONLY!”
PANERA CHICK: “ok, lettuce only. got it. sorry about that. here’s your number. someone will bring your order out…”
ME: “BUT I ORDERED IT TO-GO!”
JACKSON: “I WANT THE GINGERBREAD COOKIE MOM.”
PANERA CHICK: “oh right. i knew that. ok, then just step down there and they’ll call your name.”
END SCENE.
**********
SCENE: back at pharmacy, 25 minutes after dropping off the prescription.
PHARMACY TECH: “hi. picking up?”
ME: “yes, i dropped off a script for my son to be filled.”
PHARMACY TECH: “oh right, i saw you. let me just go mix it up.”
ME: (thinking: THIS IS WHY I WENT ACROSS THE STREET TO PANERA AND DID NOT WAIT ON YOU.)
PHARMACY TECH: “ok, i have it right here, anything else i can get for you?”
ME: “yes, i have my prenatal vitamins to get and this children’s motrin. that’s it.”
PHARMACY TECH: “ok, no problem. your first name.”
ME: “nicole.”
PHARMACY TECH: “ok nicole.”
(goes to get my prenatal vitamins and returns)
PHARMACY TECH: “here we go. looks like you won’t have much longer to go with this one (looking at my belly)… you going to have a new years baby?”
ME: “um no. i’m due in april.”
PHARMACY TECH: (eyes widen) “oh… april. do you’re…”
ME: “almost 6 months along.”
PHARMACY TECH: “so then how’s your gestational diabetes?”
ME: “um, i actually don’t have gestational diabetes. my husband and i just make big babies. this one (pointing to jackson) was 9 lb 6 oz and was born a week before his due date.”
PHARMACY TECH: “OHMYGOD THAT’S MY TWO BABIES PUT TOGETHER.”
ME: “yeah well… we’re not exactly average sized people.”
PHARMACY TECH: “I MEAN I COULD PUT MY TWO KIDS TOGETHER AT BIRTH AND THEY WOULDN’T HAVE WEIGHED WHAT HE DID.”
ME: “amazing huh?”
PHARMACY TECH: “OHMYGOD, HOW BIG IS YOUR HUSBAND?”
ME: “6 ft 6. and i’m 5 ft 9… so…”
PHARMACY TECH: “so no gestational diabetes with him?” (pointing to jackson)
ME: “nope.”
PHARMACY TECH: “WOW!”
ME: “yeah. well, just wait til you see me in here for my refills come spring time.”
END SCENE.
what’s REALLY on my mind
… the state of the world, as we know it, is freaking me out. a few weeks ago, i ate breakfast at a counter next to a man who liked the book i was reading and struck up a conversation with me. he mentioned reading a study that mentioned that last month alone, the national debt was so huge that it was as though every single family in the united states was $650 in debt. EACH FAMILY. do you know how many families are in america right now? how overpopulated we are? (asks the woman with a vagina-fetus in her belly.)
… why won’t my son take a dump in the toilet? we have tried EVERYTHING and he still prefers to shit his pants. it’s mind boggling. should he continue this shitty business in 2012, he will not be attending full-day school, AND HE MUST GO TO SCHOOL BECAUSE OMG I’LL DIE.
… really? you celebrated the official end of the iraq war yesterday? i don’t even know what to say about that except please don’t knock on my door come march when my husband is deployed… again.
… i’m kinda pissed that ‘the girl with the dragon tattoo’ is all americanized and redone. the books were FANTASTIC, in my opinion, and the original swedish films were genuine adaptations of the books. sure, not everyone enjoys subtitles in movies, but now we’ve gone and americanized this story which means EXPLOSIONS! STUNTS! CRAZY SHIT! and color me disappointed.
… really? you want to ask me why i would choose to have a baby, knowing that my husband will be deployed for the birth? stay tuned. i’ll lay it all out for you in a piece i’m working on. (hint: it has something to do with BECAUSE WE WANT ANOTHER BABY.)
… what is up with former president’s daughters being news reporters and journalists? the bush daughter is a today show correspondent, and a few nights ago, i saw chelsea clinton conducting an interview for i dunno abc/nbc one of the c’s. do they list “president’s daughter” on their resume? i just don’t understand.
… sandusky showered with kids in order to teach them basic hygiene? you expect people to believe that? how about the few of you who are justifying the actions of this man just go ahead and call it what it is… it is rape. stop insulting the survivors and making excuses for someone who is not worthy of excuses.
… we’re done with traveling for the holidays. this will be our last year of going ‘home’ to atlanta for christmas, and we couldn’t be happier about it. because really, while it’s lovely to have both sets of family in the same city, it’s a ping-pong match on crack. and as of 2012, we will officially out number our families with family members of little people. we’ve gone home to atlanta for the holidays since paul and i started dating in 1999, it’s REALLY time to be done.
… yesterday it was 81 degrees in jacksonville. 81. this morning, jackson went to school in shorts and while i love that we’re back in florida, i worry about our planet burning up. seriously? 81 degrees? even north florida has been known to get a wee bit frosty in december. does this mean that next christmas will be even hotter? because pretty soon, we’re all going to have loin cloths in our closets, and nothing else.
… really? a baby seal showed up on your couch? WHERE’S MINE?!?!
Have a Sip
