mom is here. jackson is taken care of, NOT BY ME. (((deep cleansing breath)))

this is the second time i have been given this gift… this glorious gift of TIME to “work” (meaning making a dent in my inbox, catching up on my favorite blogs, working on my book proposal… working on the ACTUAL BOOK that i am pitching)… ya know, “work.”

i set out with a smile on my face, my macbook and earphones and await the glory of the coffee that will come once i find the RIGHT SPOT to plant myself for a few hours and “work.”

arriving at whole foods, i pay for my dark chocolate skim mocha and find my spot… near an outlet to plug in my laptop.

i settle myself. snag an extra chair for my oversized, underpriced purse from target that doubles as my diaper bag and today, my laptop bag. i plug in, log on to the wifi network, take my first sip of my beverage and breathe.

the last week + has been particularly stressful and ridden with anxiety that i cannot go into detail about in this forum. needless to say, having this break, this breath of caffeinated air, this TIME ALONE with just me and my computer is priceless.

i check in with some twitter friends who i haven’t communicated with in (HOLY SHIT) 24 hours because my mom has arrived and i was busying myself snuggling with her as though i was the one nearly turning 2 years old and not my son.

and as i check in with my twitter friends, two women take seats nearby… close to my spot.

you see, i’m sitting at a bar, looking out a window… a lengthy bar that offers a plethora of seats for people to enjoy coffee, delicious food and good company.

one woman is telling the other about her latest “fuck buddy” and how her age (46) has caused him to leave her and now she is angry… like REALLY ANGRY just relaying this story to her friend.

she bangs her fist on the bar. multiple times. continuing to talk with her hands, she then explains the moment of him leaving her apartment and hits, bumps, slaps the bar repeatedly.

at first i feel badly for this woman. she’s obviously distraught and confiding in a friend. but then i notice that others around me are starting to notice her. it’s not just me acknowledging her behavior… hearing pieces of a conversation that (in my opinion) should be taking place behind closed doors, on a couch with your friend and a bottle of wine.

she hits the table again.

“i told him ‘that’s it!’” she exclaims.

and now i’m irritated. so, like any good blogger who is attempting to make headway through their inbox while also on twitter, i begin tweeting about her.

so the earphones are in and the music is blaring and i decide that my inbox and any sort of REAL THOUGHT will have to be put on hold until this woman is gone because NO ONE AROUND HER can focus on anything but her ranting.

i look for other seats… no other outlets are available. i need an outlet because my battery is low… not too terribly low, but low enough for me to not risk moving my seat.

i stay. i decide to blog about her. just to rid myself of this angst and document this experience of THE ONE DAMN TIME I GET OUT TO HAVE COFFEE AND COMPUTER TIME IN PUBLIC…

pink is blaring gloriously in my ears… “child be still…”

I’M TRYING!!!! I’M REALLY TRYING!!!!!

there’s a tap on my shoulder. i’m jarred from my writing. i turn and meet the face of an older woman who is already mid-sentence with me. obviously i cannot hear her because MY EARPHONES ARE STILL IN MY EARS, yet she is talking to me.

i mute my itunes, pull out an earphone and turn in my seat to face her.

OLDER WOMAN: (points at my laptop) “is this one of those little laptops, like the small ones?”

ME: “um… well, it’s a macbook, but i’m pretty sure there are smaller ones out there. are you shopping specifically for a mac?” like i give a fuck.

OLDER WOMAN: “i don’t know, but i know there’s a smaller one and i didn’t know if this is the smallest there is or if there are smaller or what you would recommend?”

ME: (thinking to myself… do i look like i fucking work at best buy?) “honestly, it probably all depends on what you would be using it for. i would suggest researching one that is not only the size you want but offers the programs and applications that you would use the most.”

she pats my shoulder, points over to her husband whose standing 10 or so feet away with their coffees, waiting for her and probably burning the palms of his hands while holding their coffee.

OLDER WOMAN: (points at my macbook) “i think we can get smaller than this…”

she walks away.

and then i tweet this.

lesson learned… just stay at home, lock myself in my bedroom and put in earplugs. i may live a solitary existence for the remainder of my life and never again enjoy the glorious splendor of a dark chocolate skim mocha from whole foods, but at least i’ll get some peace… til the magoo awakes.

i may not be the cleanest of individuals today, but i’m not wearing pajama pants or yoga pants (though i don’t do yoga and what the hell kind of mother even wears yoga pants and actually does yoga? if you do, don’t let me know about it because i will probably stab you.)

i’m in jeans today. my skinny ones thankyouverymuch. and a top. not a tshirt. a button-up top.

the lovely thing about having uber short and curly hair is that you can buy this goop that basically just sticks it out all over the place for you and it looks like you had your hair styled when you really just put a bunch of guk in it.

no, i was not paid to discuss the above mentioned hair guk.

point being, i made an effort today. i did. i don’t do it all the time. and some days are better than others.

but today, i made an effort.

well, i guess it’s sort of an effort because it did not include a shower, but ya can’t have it all folks, ya just can’t.

and that’s what i’m starting to see in the blogosphere lately that is kinda getting under my skin. bloggers are wanting it all… ALL. OF. IT. i don’t even know what IT is entirely, but between some posts that i’ve read lately and some tweets that i’ve been keeping up with, i’m noticing a trend that i’m making an effort NOT to be a part of.

you see, there are conferences… and they’re great, from what i’m told. bloggers meet other bloggers… some are told by fans, “don’t be scared of me please, i don’t like stalk you or anything,” and the person behind the keyboard suddenly is in the flesh.

human.

and possibly unshowered and with hair guk in order to make themselves somewhat presentable.

i bought a ticket to an upcoming conference. one that i will not be attending.

no worries. i’m not far from nyc and plan to pop in and see some lovelies for dinner and drinks that weekend.

here’s the thing… i don’t understand social media. i don’t even fully understand the concept of blogging, PR, advertising on one’s blog, monetizing, SEO (i still do not know what that stands for). and i don’t care. i don’t blog for any of that stuff. stats. traffic. whatever.

i barely get by lately with getting a post up a week and perhaps a new bottle of the week every two or so weeks.

perhaps i’m stepping away from blogging for a bit. the online world is looking a bit caddy to me at this very moment. i’m seeing crap posts written by good writers, good people, good bloggers… to pitch something or sell something… gain something more than community and connections.

it’s getting weird. stupid shit is being said and it’s just getting weird. expectations are being placed way the fuck up in the air to a nearly unattainable level and i’m not seeing as much effort put forth when it comes to the connections and community that drew me to this medium in the first place.

some people have been doing this for years, blogging that is… and they’re FANTASTIC at it. these individuals truly change lives, make a difference, and are pleased with the work they do as writers who connect with others by sharing their words online. it’s incredible when i think about blogging like that. and apparently that’s what it once was, according to some veteran bloggers. but i’m not really liking where blogging is headed lately. and perhaps i just caught the blogging bug a little late.

kinda like how i always wanted to be a child of the 70’s and instead was one of the 80’s.

i’m no social media guru. i just write. this is my place to write and share and communicate. unshowered, but with deoderant on, hair goop… and today, eye makeup.

i made an effort… today.

i have all that i want.

do you?

so i have this friend, emily… she’s so friggin cute that i want to just smooch her through my computer screen each time i see her pop up on my blog. her blog, last train to pooksville, is a daily read for me. i admire her photography. i think her baby, poppy, is more precious than words can convey. and i love how emily gushes about how IN LOVE she is with her husband, david. she’s rad and she graced me with this award last week.

yeah… a week ago. and i’m just getting around to it now because i haven’t really known what to do with it.

i don’t do well with awards. even if they are of the blogging kind. but alas, i will accept with much gratitude and pay it forward because there are awesome bloggers out there who i consider to be quite beautiful.

here are the rules that i must adhere to as a recipient of said award…

1. thank the person who nominated me for this award… check.
2. copy the award & place it on my blog… check.
3. link to the person who nominated me for this award… check.
4. share 7 interesting things about myself
5. nominate 7 other beautiful bloggers

**********

ah crap, 7 “interesting” things about myself…

* i have to make the bed. like, me. I HAVE to do it. no one else can. if my husband attempts, which he does when i have been out of town, i redo it. that may be the one thing that i am OCD about. not sure where it came from exactly… my dad makes the bed sometimes for my mom and she doesn’t redo it behind his back… i dunno. but I HAVE TO DO IT. (i really don’t think my husband minds.)

* i eat CONSTANTLY and all throughout the day. i am beyond being a snackaholic. i’m simply a foodaholic. if i don’t eat every 2 or so hours, i get uber cranky, fantasize about stabbing certain people and get really whiny. i love food. all of the foods. every food on the face of the planet. i will eat it all… especially nutella.

* crikey, this is only #3… uh… when i was in middle school, i had a poem published in my teacher’s anthology she was composing on student poetry. the poem i wrote was about my grandfather, who had passed away the day we moved to chicago (where i spent my middle school years), and on the day that this teacher told me that she chose my poem to publish, i promised myself that i would have my own book published by the time i was 30 years old. as it turns out, i will turn 29 in may and have slightly altered my original promise to be a published author with my book on the shelves by the time i am 35.

* i love tattoos. those of you who are familiar with my blog, my story, and the decision i have made to celebrate my once violated body know that i truly appreciate the art of tattooing and how incredible it is to permanently mark one’s body symbolically. and yes, it is addictive and i want more… constantly.

* my husband is sitting next to me now, telling me that i should make it known that i was a competitive dancer in middle school and my first year of high school. *head to desk* yup… there are pictures to prove it. none of course that i will post here, but yeah… i was a pom pom girl. the uniform was hot and i rocked it. plus, i got to wear the super cool cheerleader shoes that had the pop-out colored stars so you could represent your team colors appropriately. yeah, you’re jealous! those of you who know me now, if you didn’t know that tidbit about me already, i imagine you are laughing your ass off. enjoy.

* i know the words to nearly every single song that was recorded in the 1980’s. seriously, i do. while i may not take pride in the fact that i was once a competitive dancer, i will so own THIS FACT WITH PRIDE. my ultimate fave is heart… my go-to band… and of course “alone” being my favorite karaoke song that i will never EVER sing karaoke too out of fear of passing out on stage. aside from heart, madonna, prince, cindy lauper, billy ocean and of course, tiffany, i love me some elton john… “tiny dancer” is my all time favorite song, and i want it to be played at my funeral one day while people sway back and forth singing “hold me closer tiny daaaancer… count the headlights on the hiiiiiighwaaaay…”

* my “dream house” must include a library. i don’t care if there’s a white picket fence, a veranda or wrap-around porch of any sort (though that would be nice), it must have a library. as much as i adore writing, i love reading just as much, if not more. when i’m not sharing a book with a friend, trading books with friends, i am buying books that i don’t even have time to read simply because i know that ONE DAY i will get around to reading it. i have saved every book that i have read since high school and there are so many boxes in our attic that contain my books, anthologies, etc. that our moving crew HATED me by the time they got all of my boxes up to the 3rd story of our apartment. i like books. i want a library.

**********

so, now i get to pass this on to other beautiful bloggers… (insert evil laugh here.)

1. becky, of life out of focus constantly reminds me to focus on the beauty of my family. she is also one helluva hilarious friend to have on twitter. not a day goes by where i don’t find myself laughing out loud with this gorgeous woman.

2. firemom, of stop, drop and blog is a fantastic woman whose first name i do not even know, but she never ceases to make me laugh and offer excellent motherly advice when needed. she’s honest, true to not only her family, but to herself as a woman. definitely someone i admire.

3. kelly, of kelly without a net is a lovely mother to 3 children, her latest love only 6 weeks old. she is actually residing in annapolis, where i currently am, and though we converse nearly daily on twitter, we have yet to meet in person. she loves to knit and i LOVE that about her because i don’t have that kind of eye-hand coordination. make me mittens please?

4. mariah, of manic mariah, the original hot mama, married to tent camper of hotdads.com, this beautiful woman has numerous kids, numerous animals, and loves all unconditionally. she is one who i wish i corresponded with a little more regularly just incase the day should come where i find myself in their neck of the woods, because i know she would welcome me with open arms… and a dog to care for.

5. melissa, of pigtailpals is doing good things in this world and truly works to make a difference EVERY SINGLE DAY. she never ceases to amaze me with the size of her heart and how much love she puts into every project she takes on. this woman is a phenom.

6. holly, of artist, mother, teacher is a blogger, photographer, mother, teacher and artist in more ways than one who i am still just getting to know. but with every email or tweet that i receive from this incredibly strong woman, i find myself overwhelmed. she faces challenges with truth, acknowledges her pain, and is willing to make herself vulnerable… and she does it all with such grace.

7. jenn, of princess prose is my rock. i have “known” this fascinating woman for a while now, and i continue to glean wisdom from her. she is my stability in the blogosphere. and in the same way that heart’s “alone” is my go-to song… jenn is my go-to blogger. she is a true friend who knows me so well that i smile when she calls me out on my shit. now THAT is love.

**********
and……. i’m…….. spent. *phew* ok, enjoy your valentine’s wknd and don’t forget to wear a condom.

is it valentine’s day or valentines day? apostrophe? no apostrophe?

whatever. it doesn’t matter.

ok, so a wee bit ago, i posted some rants about how i was doing and why i was in much need of mass amounts of coffee. it was in that post that i mentioned what i referred to as a “potentially STABLE freelancing gig as a blogger.”

so here’s the thing… without going into too much detail about the gig, i’m finding that 2 weeks into it, i think i’m getting bloggy screwed.

i’m not a big name blogger. i haven’t been doing this for a while. i mean, all you have to do is read my “about” page in order to realize that i have no clue what i’m doing with this here blog of mine.

oh yeah, and i’m not canadian. apparently the vast majority of fantastic and legit bloggers are all up there with the olympic flame.

ok, back to the screwing… i was under the impression (enter nic’s naivete) that this was a paid gig. i had been asked to go on board with a site as a weekly blogger and discuss my experience with anxiety and what it’s like to live with anxiety on a day to day basis. i was stoked.

working towards my own stability with my anxiety is a journey in itself, but to be able to help others at the same time would be entirely rad.

now, i find myself a bit skeptical. “the powers that be” have all of my info, my bio, pic, even an introductory blog post. however, it was after i “established” myself on their site that i received an email saying “this is a voluntary position.”

WHUUUUUUUUUUUUT?!?!?!

the email was very professional, apologetic even for giving me the wrong impression, and THEN laid out the details of what exactly they are looking for from me.

so here’s the thing… if i go ahead and continue “working” VOLUNTARILY for this site and posting for them, i get a lot of traffic, it drives traffic from there to here, SEO jibber jabber, etc, etc… if i peace out of this gig, no harm, no foul. right? i mean, i was the one deceived, right?

or was i? is this just how social media works in terms of getting what they want from you? i dunno. you tell me.

meanwhile, as i ponder about whether or not i’m bending over and taking it up the rear from this website, i receive yet another email from “the powers that be” that says something along the lines of more details with regards to my posts, bla bla bla, SEO bullshit, traffic, la la la… and then…

” Once you get a few posts up and show that you intend on sticking around, we’ll add you to our (insert name of website) list here: (insert my pic, bio, and information i have already submitted to them here).”

again, WHUUUUUUUUUUUT!?!?!?

so let me get this straight… i have to “get a few posts up and show that i intend on sticking around” in order to gain any sort of recognition on the website… and this is an unpaid gig?

don’t misunderstand me, i’m not about blogging for the money, SEO crap, etc. in fact i just recently opened up space on my blog to run ads. there is a reason why the ad section of my blog is titled “pocket change” people. i’m not here for the benjamins.

veteran bloggers, i ask you, what’s the deal? am i getting bloggy screwed? cuz i have a deadline coming up and i’m unsure as to whether or not i’m going to meet it or peace out.

help a blogger out. i’ll give you candy hearts of love…

snowpocalypse, i had plans… good plans. plans that i had been looking forward to and had coordinated and fine-tuned long ago. plans for this weekend. these plans included visits to friends. dear friends. magoo’s godparents and their beautiful twins… plans that included myself and one of my nearest and dearest friends helping to pack up our beloved jewel (pun intended) and sending her on her way with the love of her life… plans of documenting their love story which surpasses any love story that has graced my ears.

i had plans.

mother nature… you fucked with the wrong woman. and so i will wait, patiently, for your apology.

in the meantime, i give you this…

wishful thinking, and sunglasses.

my parents gave us an espresso machine for christmas, which is VERY APPRECIATED as it was MUCH NEEDED in our household. the problem is that paul is classically trained in the operation of the espresso machine (because he read the manual) and i am not (because i don’t read instructions… ever.)

i just attempted to make my first mocha with a double shot of espresso. and i failed. kind of. what i am now drinking does contain chocolate syrup and two + shots of espresso because i overflowed, so i will most likely have the caffeine jitters by the time i hit “publish” on this post.

i should’ve just gotten in the car and gone to starbucks.

though i have what i would call a distinct NEED for coffee (paul would most likely call it an obsession), i am in particular NEED of caffeine to run through my veins at this distinct moment on this distinct monday for the following reasons…

- the weekend didn’t work out as we had intended. originally, paul and i were going to go away and ski for the weekend. i bailed. why? because i didn’t want to pack yet another suitcase. i’ve been living out of suitcases since november and the thought of packing another one and prepping just for a short weekend getaway gave me a panic attack and made me consider cutting my wrists (the incorrect way, don’t worry.)

- instead of going to bed early on friday night to catch up on the sleep that i have not been getting over the last 2 months, i stayed up til 1 am with my husband, drinking beer and watching conan’s last show. paul and i took a trip to nyc a few years ago and stood in line to be audience members in one of conan’s shows, but we honestly weren’t HUGE conan fans. yeah, what NBC is doing is totally dick and jay leno is a douche, but we knew that already.

- the magoo ended up spewing liquid out of both ends of his body because he was fed expired hummus (the individual who fed said expired hummus to the magoo shall remain nameless.) needless to say, this made things very NOT fun for saturday evening and into sunday. multiple loads of puke and diarrhea laundry is not my idea of a good time. in addition to the extra laundry, a horrendous diaper rash now festers on my son’s bum.

- i’ve been contacted with regards to a potentially STABLE freelancing gig as a blogger, and i’m sweating bullets over it because it could be ABSOLUTELY AWESOME. those of you who blog, freelance, or just dream of “working” while sitting on your couch, not wearing a bra and drinking a crappy mocha know what i mean. i can say no more about this potential opportunity because my palms are already dripping with sweat and i don’t want to short-circuit my keyboard. also, i could jinx it.

- i’m in the midst of my anxiety meds being adjusted, which is never an easy experience. regardless of what you may take medication for, adjusting any bit of it, whether it’s the dosage or switching to an entirely different drug, is so hard to do. this is why they call it “chemistry” and why i came THIS CLOSE to failing it in high school. every teeny milligram, even part of a milligram of the medication needs to be JUST RIGHT in order for it to balance out what is currently imbalanced in mah head. this process, when it works, can take up to weeks to see “improvement.” it’s not a fun process for me or for those around me, cuz they never know when i’m goina go all wack-a-doo on their asses… or just not be able to get out of bed.

- on a similar note, i’m getting to spend countless hours each day finding a shrink who takes my insurance. currently there are none within a 60 mile radius of where we live. that’s the bad news. the good news is that my family practitioner (who i saw last week) is helping me as much as possible to use her resources to find me someone to purge my shit on.

- this maryland weather is so messed up and it’s messing with mah head. i need to see the sun. i NEED to. it can be cold as hell out (well, hell supposedly isn’t cold… i’ll report back once i learn for sure) point being, as long as i can see sunshine, i’m good. lately, if the sun peaks out here, it lasts for about 25 minutes and then it’s gone for 25 days. not so good.

- the magoo bed/crib situation is still sucking. this of course is unless paul is home, and then all is well with the world. the magoo sleeps 2 + hours, wakes up happy as a clam, and doesn’t make me absolutely distain toddlerville. when paul is not home, we have what i now refer to as the magoo-monster. this does NOT make for good nap times, which does NOT make for fun afternoons and makes me absolutely loathe toddlerville and all that comes with it. the magoo-monster is manipulating and playing the favorite parent game.

so those are my reasons for needing an abundance of caffeine. i have now consumed 85% of my mocha and all i have left is chocolate syrup.

just hook me up to an IV next time.