ditching the rat race
i’m achy this morning.
i’m tired, always tired. stress and anxiety have gotten the best of me lately.
(i hate admitting that but it’s true.)
(i hate feeling like a prisoner to anxiety, but that’s where i am right now.)
my muscles are sore from tension.
i look at my to-do list and want to cry because it seems so daunting.
the most menial of tasks overwhelms me when i’m struggling.
i look out the bedroom window and it’s another grey day, blanketed by clouds, icy and cold.
like yesterday… and the day before that…
i turn more lights on throughout the apartment to trick my mind into thinking it’s not that dark.
somedays it works better than others.
something requires my attention, usually undivided attention.
when was the last time i gave anything my undivided attention?
i’m achy this morning. achy in my body and achy in my heart.
i sip some coffee, read through some emails (choose to ignore a few.)
and then i come across a picture that i took last night…
i was watching a movie with jackson… about construction sites, a current obsession.
i snapped a quick shot of him watching.
**********
i want to relish in my son’s eyes and perspective.
and give his lashes my undivided attention.
wordless wednesday (kinda)
this look… is the look my husband gave me when he asked me to marry him, 7 years ago.
and it’s now the look jackson gives me when he wants to eat cake.
funny how that whole DNA thing works.
to be continued
some 9 + years ago, i found myself on a plane bound for tampa.
my grandmother picked me up at the airport. i was alone.
it was spring break and i was going to spend 7 days at her condo on the beach.
it was only 7 months since i had been raped.
i don’t remember much from that trip. i couldn’t tell you if i even set foot on the beach or not.
what i do remember is a nap.
my grandmother’s condo sits directly on the beach. upon arriving to her sanctuary, i remember dropping my bags in the hallway, walking out to her balcony and laying face down on a lounge chair.
i slept for well over 3 hours. that entire afternoon had been spent in peaceful slumber.
i woke up to the sound of seagulls, watched them with squinted eyes and wondered where the hell i was.
it was the best nap of my life.
still is.
**********
a year ago, i told my story. to more than just my family and a close friend.
i shared with you all the intimate meaning behind the tattoos that i have… the significance of the color teal.
i shouted it from the roof tops… purging myself.
and i felt incredible. it was a high. i was riding the awesome wave of release. and damn, it felt good.
so last november, i got another.
my story continues to evolve as i continue to evolve as a survivor.
my life continues to evolve as i continue to evolve as a woman.
and while my tattoos share the common thread of rape survivorship, they each stand for something unique… something i choose to honor and remember forever.
because i get easily distracted.
though i’m moving forward, somedays are harder than others.
somedays the steps are miniscule and other days the steps are the length of a mile.
with my 10 year approaching next month, i find myself wanting to propel forward more than ever… carrying with me the good, the bad and the unfortunate.
because all of it… ALL OF IT… is me.
and i want to soar.
Independence Day
we let freedom ring… and then some. our sweet friends are moving in the upcoming weeks. their little beauties are jackson’s first little friends, and ya never forget that stuff, ya know?
Have a Sip
