8723023836432994 times a day
but why can’t i watch sponge bob?
but why don’t you eat breffast?
but why i can’t have juice?
but why i have to take a baff?
but why do i go potty in a pull-up?
but why you have big boobs?
but why is red a bad dog?
but why can’t i sit in front?
but why clean up toys?
but why is dad at work?
but why i can have ice cream treats?
but why i can have MORE ice cream treats?
but why you take a shower?
but why moms smell?
but why do the bugs buzz loud?
but why i can’t drive?
but why i haffoo nap?
but why you don’t jump with me?
but why i can’t climb there?
but why dad is sweaty?
but why mickey mouse clubhouse isn’t on?
but why it’s not winter yet?
but why you can’t get me lollipops?
but why moms and dads watch the news?
but why i’m not bigger?
but why i can’t go on diving board?
but why mom has scratchy legs?
but why i can’t get red’s poops?
(ok that last one, i’ll totally let him do as soon as he can maneuver the plastic bag.)
wherein i piss myself at anderson cooper’s report on piss-capades
dear internet, who needs stories about lingerie being sold for little girls when you have the fantastically wonderful giggles of anderson cooper to keep you company?
never mind the fact that anderson cooper is attempting to report on the tinkle-on-the-plane episode of gerard depardieu. because that’s just hysterical in and of itself.
behold the makings of a wonderful day, and thank you anderson cooper. your giggles complete me.
wish list: back-to-school edition
as a kid, august was my FAVORITE! by the end of the summer, i had a righteous tan from playing all day every day in the sunshine with friends. i had stories to share about camp, neighborhood antics, and beach trips. and i had new gear to sport at school.
i would spend HOURS organizing my binders with tabs and notes and stickers. highlighters, markers, ballpoint pens, and number 2 pencils would fill my pouch or pencil box (sometimes both).
not that i was a stellar student. i wasn’t. until i was in college and actually had a say about which classes i invested myself in.
funny how that happens.
anyway, if i were heading back to school (which i never will again b/c ZOMG I AM SO DONE WITH SCHOOL) this is the gear i would want…
Skip Hop Zoo Pack Little Kid Backpack
MadPax full and half packs 
Bird vs. Bee Mittens (yes, they have adult ones too!)
Banderole Pencil Set 
Striped Binder Clips
Alphabet File Folders
Black Skulls On Blue Binder
Black/Flame Converse Kids Chuck Taylors
all product images are courtesy of the respective stores…except for jackson…i produced him and that photo, so steal it and i’ll shank you.
dear absolut vodka, please make a bottle called MADNESS. parents will thank you.
if i were all graphically inclined to do awesome shit with my computer, like most people who have a blog are, this is where i would place an image of a vodka bottle with the label reading ABSOLUT MADNESS and a picture of me crying and pulling my hair out.
perhaps i would add some sort of tornado design circling around me.
and tears. can the vodka be made with tears? human tears. not unicorn.
it’s not that kind of vodka.
i’ll keep my day job. stick to words.
i do hereby vow to rub the feet of all single parents around the world. seriously. i will rub your feet. it may only last for a few seconds, possibly a minute, depending on how quickly my hands cramp up, but i have the best of intentions.
with this being day 2 of single parenting jackson while paul is on the west coast for the week, all i can think about is ZOMG WE’RE MOVING IN 5 WEEKS AND PAUL IS GOING BACK TO A SQUADRON AND HOW THE HELL DO I DO DEPLOYMENTS WITH A KID!?!?!
deployments SUCK.
no, scratch that. any time away from the one you are madly in love with SUCKS. period. the end.
did i mention that after 2 months of being seizure-free, my dog started having cluster seizures yesterday, shortly after paul left for the airport.
THIS IS ME SMILING AND SAYING “I GOT THIS. I’M ALL OVER THIS SHIT.”
yeah, so how do you handle that? please tell me. how do you handle explaining dog seizures to your 3 year old who is asking, “why is red shaking?” or “how do i stop it?” or “do the shakes hurt red?”
thus far, i’ve gone with straight up honesty, but now that i am sleep deprived and questioning every single teeny little decision i make because I AM THE ONLY ONE RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS LITTLE PERSON I HELPED TO CREATE this week, i wonder what the rest of you would do with your kidlets.
baby, red is shaking because he doesn’t feel good.
i want to stop him from shaking, just like you do, but i can’t.
can you help me pet him and say ‘it’s ok, red’?
he’s going to be ok. we’ll get some medicine from the doggy doctor.
yes, it’ll stop some days but today is just a bad day for red.
you know that feeling you get when you’re emotionally spent and THIS CLOSE TO CRYING in an effort to release these emotions of yours but you don’t want to lose your shit in front of your kid so you stifle it and as your eyes water up with tears, you just think to yourself “DON’T YOU FUCKING SPILL OVER, TEARS. DON’T YOU DO IT!”
…and then your 3 year old lays down next to his dog on the floor to comfort him through a seizure.
yeah. THAT.
i know… I KNOW… things could be so much worse. believe me, i know. paul is on the west coast this week for a funeral.
so please put away your pitchforks and just let me cry.
because at this moment, mickey mouse club house is on and all i hear is donald duck’s voice that i could never ever understand, and my kid is spilling trix all over the couch because he’s trying to dance and jump at the same time, and it’s the same trix that he didn’t finish last night for dinner, and we had trix for dinner because we were at the vet with the seizure dog through what is normally our dinner time.
and it’s only 8:25 am.
and i don’t make the coffee as good as my husband does.
and then while washing dishes
i don’t even know what to do with this. words escape me.
if you cannot view the above video, click here.
Have a Sip
