Posts Tagged ‘love’

i sit in a coffee shop. my favorite one in downtown annapolis because it actually does NOT have tourists. it’s a gem to me, this quiet hole-in-the-wall place with a couch in the front window. the couch is covered with a sheet and stained with caffeinated beverages and remnants of scones.

i choose an over-sized chair to sit in near an electrical outlet so i can plug in. my beverage order is taken. i even get a muffin that i’ll probably only eat half of because it’s so enormous. the muffin is placed on a chipped plate, coffee is handed to me and both of these delectable items join my iphone on top of a small mosaic table.

i sit in a coffee stop. i’m wearing my favorite jeans, though it’s over 100 degrees outside today. my jeans that i hardly ever wash because they fit with such comfort that it is as though they are a precious friend, enveloping me in the perfect hug. my hair is unwashed, curls are damp from humidity. my teeth are brushed.

wait.

runs tongue across teeth… tastes colgate.

yup, they are brushed.

but i forgot deodorant.

because i practically ran out the door this morning. this sunday morning. a morning where some families rush out the door to get to church on time… brunch on time… relatives’ houses on time.

i ran out the door to this coffee shop, this sanctuary, to escape.

and i now sit here feeling an overwhelming sense of guilt envelop me.

i have taken time for myself.

**********

my first “real” boss taught me the invaluable lesson of setting boundaries. i say “real” boss because i consider the time i spent working at a women’s crisis center, straight out of grad school, to be my first “real” job… a steady job. the income was crap, but it was a non-profit agency and i have a tendency to forget that one needs money in order to exist.

my emotions and passion had driven me to accept this job in the first place. my “save the world” mentality had entirely taken over and this was the job that was going to prepare me to save the world… from what, i still do not know, but dammit, i was goina save it from something.

anyone who works in a social work environment knows that it is taxing in ways that corporate america is not. i don’t say this to say one is better than the other. they are just simply different and come with different expectations and needs.

clients needs are different. emotions run high. often you operate in “crisis mode” when responding to a client’s needs because usually those needs are immediate. they come to you NOW because they need you NOW.

the day i turned my 2 weeks notice in to my boss, we both cried.

it was hard.

it’s hard to realize that you can’t save the world, no matter how damn hard you try.

she had taught me about boundaries.

she gave me my sharpie marker.

so, i popped the cap off and drew a straight line.

**********

i sit in a coffee shop. i wonder if life is filled with sharpie markers, some with their caps still tightly on, others with ink nearly gone.

i drew a line this morning.

i needed solace.

i knew exactly where i would go.

i drove here, envisioning these words in my mind, beginning this post in my head while sitting at traffic lights.

and yet, i sit here, now writing these words and feel guilty for taking a moment to put myself first.

i check my iphone for a text from my husband, my parents… from anyone who may possibly need me.

no messages.

because i’ve taken out my sharpie marker and drawn a line. no need to put up a sign that says “do not cross.”

the line speaks for itself.

it’s ok for me to say “no” sometimes.

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   PrincessJenn Munching on fresh cheese buns from the bakery. It’s my own personal kind of heaven right now. 21 Jul 2010 from TweetDeck

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   MyBottlesUp @PrincessJenn i would so flash you for a fresh cheese bun right now. 21 Jul 2010 from TweetDeck in reply to PrincessJenn

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   ArtistMother @PrincessJenn @MyBottlesUp I would flash MY fresh cheese buns for one from a bakery. 21 Jul 2010 from TweetDeck

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   PrincessJenn @MyBottlesUp @ArtistMother BWAHAHAHA you guys slay me. Waiting for the emailed pics 21 Jul 2010 from TweetDeck

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   MyBottlesUp FTW!!!!!!!!!! RT @ArtistMother: @PrincessJenn @MyBottlesUp I would flash MY fresh cheese buns for one from a bakery. 21 Jul 2010 from TweetDeck

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   MyBottlesUp @PrincessJenn GIVE ME THE BAKERY FRESH CHEESE BUN, WHORE!!! (crying, i’m laughing so hard… cuz i’m totally yelling this to you in NYC) 21 Jul 2010 from TweetDeck in reply to PrincessJenn

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   PrincessJenn @MyBottlesUp ROFL!! Come and get it, baby. 21 Jul 2010 from TweetDeck in reply to MyBottlesUp

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   Anne54304 @PrincessJenn Would it be wrong of me to call you an evil food teasing bitch right now? 21 Jul 2010 from TweetDeck in reply to PrincessJenn

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   MyBottlesUp @PrincessJenn can you at the very least twitpic it???? please???? 21 Jul 2010 from TweetDeck in reply to PrincessJenn

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   PrincessJenn Picture of my cheesey buns for @MyBottlesUp 21 Jul 2010 from TweetDeck

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   PrincessJenn @PrincessJenn Well that didn’t work. Way to go tweetdeck. 21 Jul 2010 from TweetDeck in reply to PrincessJenn

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   MyBottlesUp @PrincessJenn YOU ARE A TEASE!!!!!!!!! A CHEESE BUN TEASE WHORE!!!!!!!!! 21 Jul 2010 from TweetDeck in reply to PrincessJenn

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   PrincessJenn OK this time for reals. Cheesey buns: http://twitpic.com/27czbw http://twitpic.com/27czzb 21 Jul 2010 from TweetDeck

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   MyBottlesUp @PrincessJenn you should see the size of my eyes…. because they would frighten you. 21 Jul 2010 from TweetDeck in reply to PrincessJenn

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   PrincessJenn Oh, and this might be for dessert, @mybottlesup. Don’t hate. http://twitpic.com/27d0ef 21 Jul 2010 from Twitpic

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   MyBottlesUp @PrincessJenn might?!?!?! there’s already one missing!!!!!! 21 Jul 2010 from TweetDeck in reply to PrincessJenn

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   PrincessJenn @MyBottlesUp Wasn’t me. I swear. One of the girls at group stole one 21 Jul 2010 from TweetDeck in reply to MyBottlesUp

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   MyBottlesUp @PrincessJenn and was her name vista??? and did she give it to her mommy??? #youarefullofshit 21 Jul 2010 from TweetDeck in reply to PrincessJenn

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   PrincessJenn @MyBottlesUp LOL!! NO, I swear. I bought them before group and share them as a mommy’s snack. 21 Jul 2010 from TweetDeck in reply to MyBottlesUp

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   PrincessJenn @MyBottlesUp What I didn’t show you is all the cream puffs we may have eaten which is why only one cinnamon bun is gone. lol 21 Jul 2010 from TweetDeck in reply to MyBottlesUp

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i’m entirely behind on pretty much everything at this moment. we just got home from one wedding and we have 3 more to go in the next 7 weeks, which means that i am UP TO HERE with laundry and dry cleaning so that we can turn around and repack our hanging bag full of uncomfortable dress clothes and spanx.

for the record, spanx totally serve their purpose and i’m very grateful for the ones that have the pee hole in them because pulling those things down to pee and then back up is next to impossible, especially after consuming wine. so thank you for the pee hole, spanx.

(no, they did not pay me to say that. i’m just generous.)

where was i???

ah yes, i’m behind on everything…

1) groceries
2) photography projects
3) deadlines… self-imposed and non-self-imposed
4) web projects
5) finishing the book
6) blogging
7) washing my hair
figuring out why this stupid smiley icon with sunglasses is in place of #8 of my list
9) emailing artist about new tattoo concept
10) writing about new tattoo concept
11) responding to emails that have sat in my inbox for way too long
12) making fun of pitches i have received (stop calling me “Mrs. Bottle”)
13) reading up on YOUR blogs
14) bills ::headdesk::
15) keeping up with blogher@home
16) potty-training the magoo
17) promoting the calendar i got naked for
18) spraying myself with tan in a can b/c it’s too damn hot to go outside
19) researching preschools for the magoo
20) bathing
21) cleaning my kitchen that is fruit-fly-infested *gag*

in other news… my husband is hot and he watches out for paparazzi. due to his hotness, the above list has gone to shit.

as the beginning of july creeps up on me (not you… me), i feel an overwhelming sense of list-making coming on and covering me like a blanket… a wet blanket… a wet wool blanket covering my head and draping down my body so heavily that it’s hard to keep my head up because my neck hurts.

and, it’s potentially suffocating.

the lesson here: don’t ever play hide-and-seek and hide under a wet wool blanket. you will die.

**********

we have eleventy weddings to attend in 7 weeks.

translation: “eleventy” is the numerical equivalent to 4.

2 of the eleventy are long-distance-travel-worthy, requiring airfare… and not just for paul and i, but now, because the magoo is 2, he is deserving of his own plane ticket to be dropped off at the grandparents’ nests of spoiling and cuddling and getting whateverthehell he wants.

kid needs to get a job.

2 of the eleventy weddings are driving distance.

nevertheless, we have 4 weddings within 7 weeks. i’m just hoping a funeral isn’t thrown in the mix.

shit, i just jinxed myself and now need to call everyone i know to make sure they’re still alive.

neither paul nor i are in any of these eleventy weddings, so that saves the cost of a bridesmaids dress, multiple shower gifts, etc.

BONUS!

don’t get me wrong, we love… like MEGA love all of our peoples who are choosing to rock their worlds with this marriage thing.

i’m totally crossing my fingers behind my back right now and giggling.

seriously, we do love them all… dearly.

but marriage is hard.

marriage has like eleventy components to it, and in the almost six years that i’ve been married, i have yet to identify what the majority of the eleventy even are.

so i’m screwed.

**********

i hope there isn’t a test i’m scheduled to take at some point in time during my marriage in which i have to identify all eleventy components that make up a successful marriage.

i just won’t show up on exam day.

crap, what if exam day is one of the days of one of the eleventy weddings?

adding “number 2 pencils” to shopping list…

**********

also on my list: a new pair of spanx… the full-body kind.

You who are on the road
Must have a code that you can live by
And so become yourself
Because the past is just a good bye.

Teach your children well,
Their father’s hell did slowly go by,
And feed them on your dreams
The one they picks, the one you’ll know by.

Don’t you ever ask them why, if they told you, you will cry,
So just look at them and sigh and know they love you.

And you, of tender years,
Can’t know the fears that your elders grew by,
And so please help them with your youth,
They seek the truth before they can die.

Teach your parents well,
Their children’s hell will slowly go by,
And feed them on your dreams
The one they picks, the one you’ll know by.

Don’t you ever ask them why, if they told you, you will cry,
So just look at them and sigh and know they love you

Song Credit: Teach Your Children by: Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young

click below for audio.

Teach Your Children

Song Credit: “Up to the Mountain” by Crystal Bowersox

dear jackson,

yesterday you and i flew home from mimi and gaga’s house after a fantastic trip and memorable celebration that they hosted for you.

child of mine, you are so loved. and as friends and family members congregated last weekend to spoil you and watch you play, i found myself overwhelmed with contentment.

i simply cannot imagine my life without you, sweet jackson. your smile brings me to my knees. your laughter is contagious. it is already apparent what a beautiful heart you have in your precious little body.

jackson, you are so smart and teach me something new everyday… sometimes you show me that i can actually get through this thing called motherhood and keep my head above water.

barely above water… but i’m still breathing.

all of this flooded my mind and heart yesterday, while we were flying 30,000 feet in the air, just you and i, for the very last time, sharing a seat.

you slept the entire flight. this does not happen often. i basked in the glory of holding you in my arms, resting with you as our chests and bellies would rise and fall together in rhythm. i watched your eyelashes flutter and felt your feet twitch.

your daddy’s feet twitch when he sleeps.

i held you close in your blanket that has been with you since your very first few weeks of life. inhaling your scent, watching your purse your lips and then drop your pacifier out of exhaustion.

and i wept. i don’t know if my tears were of joy or sadness… probably both.

thank you for making my life full of purpose.

thank you for being my son.

happy birthday, beautiful one.

i love you,
mom