screw writing about jon & kate plus 8 and their blissful unstable marriage…  whatever.  i have more important disgusting matters to discuss.

our dog…  red…  3 year old, 85 pound labrador who we despise at the moment love.  really, we do.  but since jackson has been totally mobile to the point of running over to the dog, tackling him, then proceeding to ride him like a pony, well let’s just say the dog has not been pleased.  in red’s defense, i would not be happy with anyone doing that to me however, red takes out his frustration by licking his asshole (yes, the actual HOLE) until his doggy bum is soaked with saliva.  

the smell is enough to make me dry heave, and this is coming from someone who occasionally has to tolerate her son vomiting on her for days on end.  if you’re dry heaving while reading this post, i highly suggest you stop reading because it’s goina get nasty up in this piece in 5….. 4…. 3…. 2…..

 we’ve had the anal glands squeezed by our vet because there’s no way in hell you will ever find me doing this at home.  even still, we find red licking his ass constantly.  the sound he makes when he’s doing it is worse than the sound of nails scraping across a chalk board.  and i know exactly what he’s doing when i hear that sound… he’s goin after the big kahuna.

when red goes in for “the big kill” in the middle of the night, i make paul move red out to the living room.  we have also been known to move red (and his bed that smells like ass drippings) into the guest room and shut the door.  and yes, when my in-laws are in town, red sleeps with them…  (let it be known, that fact has nothing to do with the relationship i have with my in-laws).  red is just infatuated with my father-in-law and refuses to leave his side when he is in town.  i guess my father-in-law has lost his sense of smell because he can tolerate red’s ass.   

so…  paul and i have discussed this issue at length.  

i read somewhere (and now that i need to draw upon my source, i can’t think of where i read this tidbit of info) that at certain stages of your baby/child’s life, your dog will totally freak the hell out.  these stages include….

1. pre-birth: when you ladies are super huge, waddling around the house, turning the air conditioning as low as it can go without blowing the whole system, and eating every 1/2 hour, your dog will go insane.  this insanity may show itself in the form of “protecting you” more, possibly barking more, laying at your feet, and getting angry at your partner for getting too close to you.  when you are with-child, your dog will stress out to the max.  (side note: when i was pregnant with jackson, i learned from our vet at the time that red could hear jackson’s heart beat… how cool is that?)

2. baby’s arrival: we were pleasantly surprised when we brought jackson home from the hospital to find that red wasn’t all that interested in our little magoo.  instead, red was interested in “the stuff” that comes with jackson…  the burp cloths (especially when soaked in spit-up), the pjs that have poop blow out remnants, and the toys.  the constant “no red” that he heard from us stressed him out.  but c’mon, what are ya goina do?  let the dog roll around and chew on poop jammies?  (if your answer is “yes” don’t tell me about it).

3. the baby turns toddler and is mobile: and this is where we are now.  jackson is everywhere and into everything.  there’s no stopping it.  he is a freight train reaching maximum speed when he wants something.  and this is totally freaking red out.  sometimes red will play back and the two will chase each other around a bit.  but our son doesn’t know when to stop (i thought it was typically the lab that doesn’t know when to stop), and our dog gets tired of the beat-down he receives from our son.

and so we find ourselves in the situation we are now in…  again.  we have an ass-licking-hole-obsessed dog.  he’s frustrated, he’s stressed out, and apparently that gives him comfort (?) ewwwww….  we’ve tried giving red new toys to distract him, but then he gets (what we call) “the poop tongue” on these new toys.  jackson is then intrigued by said new toys, and we spend the day creatively looking for ways to block jackson from the poop tongue toys.  

it’s gross y’all, just plain effing gross.  and red now is starting to get that paul and i are fed up with this ass-licking action of his, because he’s also acting out.  

yesterday, i had jackson in his highchair, a snack of apples and a cereal bar lay in front of him, and yeah, occasionally jackson misses his mouth and some drops into his lap.  (ok, maybe more than occasionally).  anyway, i’m snacking with jackson for a bit and then realize i left his milk in the fridge.  i get up, literally walk less than 10 feet away into our kitchen, open the fridge door, and turn around to find red with his enormous labrador head in my son’s crotch (keep in mind jackson is still in the highchair) and searching for the bits of snack jackson has in his lap.  

i lost my shit.  totally lost my shit.  our disciplining red consists of sending him to “his corner” which is more or less a time out.  so i send him to his corner, after “going billy klug” on his ass (billy is jackson’s godfather), which means i shoved red’s snout back into jackson’s crotch (don’t worry, jackson laughed hysterically the entire time) and i growled at red and said “nooooooo!!!!!” in the hopes of getting the message through my dog’s thick and determined angry teenager skull.

after sending red to his corner, i grab jackson and head downstairs, place him in “the bob” (our running stroller), grab a beer (it was a hoegaarden just incase you’re wondering if i kept it classy), and like a mad woman, i walk….  walk…. walk…. until my angry energy is spent, and i feel like i can enter my apartment without wanting to harm my dog.

post stroller-beer-walk, i enter the apartment with jackson in my arms, and the smell wafts through the air and hits my nose.  

DAMMIT!!!!!!

still in his corner lays red, with a soaking wet bum of fresh anal juices.

now tell me that isn’t defiance.