the one about my meds
so. this is a post about my current medication situation.
in other words, feel free to close the browser if you have nothing helpful or insightful to contribute.
here is what i love about the blogging world: readers and commenters have passionate opinions and are willing to share them in an open environment.
here’s is what i don’t love about the blogging world: readers and commenters have passionate opinions and are willing to share them in an open environment.
within the blogging world there is a sizable community of those who struggle/battle/are challenged with some form of anxiety. there are millions of theories as to why this is… however, that’s not what this post is about.
this post is about my current medication situation with regards to my general anxiety disorder and acute panic attacks.
again, feel free to close your browser. no hard feelings.
months ago, i wrote this post about having the baby bug. a couple of months after that, i wrote this post about having my IUD removed to get the party started on magoo 2.0. and then last month came, and i wrote this post about my baby bug being squashed.
paul and i have discussed trying for another baby this fall. DISCUSSED. i take this very seriously for a number of reasons… we have a lot to consider in terms of paul’s work and timing when it comes to expanding our family. that’s a biggie. we have a lot to consider in terms of jackson’s needs as a 2 and a half year old little boy who STARTS SCHOOL next month.
holy shit.
as for me, i have a lot to consider in terms of my mental health and well-being. anxiety disorder has always played a significant role in my life. i am medicated for it. there is a combination of drugs that work to keep the chemicals in my brain balanced and my panic attacks at bay.
i’m not ashamed of this. it’s not easy to relinquish a sense of control over oneself to a pill, or a combo of pills, but for me it is necessary and i have come to terms with that fact.
in order for magoo 2.0 to be conceived in the most healthy way, i need to be off my meds for the most part.
does this mean i’m going to go bat-shit crazy once i am sufficiently weaned off my medication??? quite possibly.
does this mean i’m going to go bat-shit crazy once i am pregnant??? most likely. hormones are nutso like that.
does this mean i’m not going to be safe in terms of my own mental health and state of mind??? i’m not sure.
so, i’m trying to find out what will potentially work best for me as i wean off my meds and continue to DISCUSS a possible pregnancy in the near future.
i want to be a good mom. we all want to be good parents. i’m not sure what being a “good” mom really means although i have been a mom for over 2 years now… but i know that my goal is to be a good mother.
being a good mom, in my case, means that i also need to be good to myself. i need to take care of myself in order for me to best take care of my child(ren).
i want to do this the “right” way. i want to wean off as much as possible, or change meds that are safe to take while pregnant.
so this is the part that i reluctantly offer to the blogging world… the one where readers and commenters have passionate opinions and are willing to share them in an open environment… yeah, that one.
this is the part where i ask you to share with me… not judge… share.
what have been your experiences in terms of weaning off meds and/or changing them?
how did it affect you?
in terms of anxiety-specific medications, do you have recommendations for me? ones that worked for you while trying to get pregnant or throughout a pregnancy?
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thank you. truly. it’s not easy for me to click “publish” for this post. but i do respect this environment and the people in it… and i respect your input.
it should be noted that i am and have been in discussion with doctors regarding this and i’m not solely looking to the internetz to provide me with solutions. (i like you guys and value your opinions… but not THAT much.)
oh hai thar blog. how YOU doin?
and… we’re… LIVE. (((wild applause and cheering)))
as you all know, i have been dealing with a bit of a hack issue for the last few weeks. long story short, my former domain host hacked away at my site like one does when chipping away at an ice sculpture, only instead of creating a masterpiece, they effed up not only my site, but my entire database thereby causing me much angst, wondering if the last 3 years of my life that i’ve shared with the interwebz was gone.
the heroine (not the kind you shoot up) in all of this is my new webmaster, @PrincessJenn of Princess Prose and co-creator of BlogHerAtHome.com with me. not only is jenn entirely responsible for recovering ALL three years of content that exist on my blog, she is also the fantastically talented designer of my new home… one that i intend on keeping for a very long time.
she can’t get rid of me no matter how hard she tries. jenn has the brains and the boobs beauty behind the design, and if you’re in the market for something spectacular, i suggest you scope out her portfolio, designs by princess jenn.
all joking aside, there are no adequate words to fully describe the gratitude i have for jenn and the work she has done. you writers/bloggers understand… when you have this space where you freely express yourself and share yourself with others, you love it. it’s your haven. and to have been hacked so ferociously and consistently for weeks on end is so incredibly invasive. i know i’m not the only blogger who has endured the wrath of a hacker recently, but i do know how it made me feel, and it leaves me now with so much gratitude for a friend i can trust to share my space with, knowing she has it protected to the best of her ability.
so THANK YOU jenn… for so much. me lurves ya long times.
now that that’s out of the way… *tear sniff sniff* take a gander around. somethings have stayed the same and others have changed. i have *GASP* dropped what was my “bottle of the week,” for a couple of reasons. a lot of other bloggers have started doing similar things on their own blog, and simply put, they know their shit better than i do when it comes to beer and wine. i just like to drink it and photograph it. the other reason for dropping it is because it was kinda stressing me out a few months back, feeling like i HAD TO HAVE A NEW BOTTLE POSTED BY MONDAY. meh… less stress, more lazy.
if you’re wondering “WHERE DID HER BLOGROLL GO BECAUSE I WAS ON IT AND NOW IF THE BLOGROLL IS NOT THERE THEN I’M NOT THERE AND THIS IS ALL ABOUT ME…” fear not. my blogroll can now be found on it’s own page, at the top tool bar (haha, i love saying “tool”) and appropriately titled “hooked on.” if you’re not on my blogroll and thus feel neglected and alone, let me know.
so take a gander… go ahead. don’t be scurred.
pull up a seat and pour yourself a glass of crazy.
cheers!
thank you, maggie
today marks the first anniversary celebration of Violence UnSilenced… the place that gave me the strength to speak out last august and share my story.
it is all thanks to maggie, that i was able to do this…
***EDITED: 5:27 pm***
after spending the majority of today, watching this video repeatedly, dancing with my beautiful son and then seeing him recognize me in the video and exclaim “MOMMY!!!!!!” i asked for maggie’s permission to embed the actual video on my blog so that you readers don’t even have to click to go elsewhere to witness the awesome empowerment that takes place when people come together and SPEAK OUT!!!!
like jail but with door knobs
with jackson now in his big boy bed, we put these suckers on the door knobs…
behold the Safety 1st Twist & Grip Knob Cover a la Babies R Us. we have used 1 out of the 3 pack and it is currently residing on the inside door knob of jackson’s bedroom. he is most definitely tall enough to manipulate and open a door. and tonight was the first time this torturous contraption served its purpose.
yesterday morning, paul found jackson awake and out of his bed, waiting for him at his bedroom door. paul was greeted with the sweet sound of “DADDY!!!!!!!!” and all was well with the world.
this afternoon, when jackson woke up from his nap, he awoke 20 minutes earlier than normal. so, like any other conflicted mother would do, i left him in there. i listened to him whine and “mom… mommmmmm…. MOM…. MOM. ALL. DONE.” but i stayed strong. and when i finally went in there, my magoo met me at the door that he had been shaking and knocking on for 20 minutes while calling out my name.
and then tonight happened.
paul had taken the dog out to do his biznass. jackson had already been put down for bed, and as i tip-toed in our bedroom to put on my feeties to settle in for an evening on the couch with paul, i hear jackson’s bedroom door shake.
then i hear him knock.
then i hear “mom. MOM. MOMMMMMY.”
so i go in. again, he meets me at the door. i lift him up. his head rests on my shoulder. his body is a dishrag. he begins breathing deep. i sit in the glider, snuggling my magoo. i take in the scent of his hair, his baby sweat in his fleece sleeper pjs. and when i feel our breathing begin to synchronize, i lift myself and my son out of the glider and rock him over to his bed.
i lay him down. i position his blankey. i wait.
he’s out.
i softly leave the room. paul returns with the dog. we settle on the couch to watch the tube.
5-10 minutes pass and then i hear the shake. paul doesn’t recognize it at first, but i know what it is. he mutes the tv and comments that he thinks it’s our downstairs neighbors, who sound like a stampeding herd of wild moose on a daily basis.
then comes the whines. the cries. the banging on the door.
the tears. his and mine.
paul and i debate on the couch for minutes while the noise continues.
do we let him just deal with the possibility of knowing he will sleep on the floor next to his bedroom door all night?
do we go in and pacify?
eventually jackson’s cry gets to the point where we realize that he is scared, truly scared of something. paul goes in and finds jackson over at his book shelf, where his sound machine is. apparently jackson had gotten out of his bed, pressed one of the buttons on his sound machine and upon hearing a sound different from the peaceful falling rain, he scared himself.
so paul calmed our son, put him back to sleep, and i sit with a heavy heart… feeling guilty for not consoling my son.
******
are you a ferberizing parent? do you put the ear plugs in and let your child cry it out? do you pacify? do you have a method? why the hell am i still asking these questions when i have a child on the brink of turning 2? UGH!!!!!!!
weeping
i lived in a house with 6 other girls in college.
they are the sisters i never had.
one of these roommates, one of my sisters, an unbelievable, irreplaceable, effervescent woman… a cancer survivor…
her 18 year old sister died last night.
18.
1-8.
i’ve known her since she was 12. i think of her and imagine her in my mind right now and she’s 12.
she’s beautiful. she’s part of the family that was created in our house.
she’s gone.
life is just fucking cruel somedays.
and today, as i walked off the plane back to baltimore, back home after our holiday vacation with our families, i turned my phone on and received this cruel and unfair and unfathomable news.
she’s gone.
18.
my suitcase is staying packed until i get word on arrangements and head back.
my sisters are hurting.
i am weeping with them on the phone now and will continue to do so until we are all reunited and can weep together.
Have a Sip
