Posts Tagged ‘thank you’

and he wrote a children’s book.

and ALL proceeds from the book are going to charity.

stop swooning ladies, he’s very happily married. seriously. you’re embarrassing me.

jason and i have been friends for quite a while now, though he is shorter than i am. our friendship that has grown over time is a testament to how awesome the blogging community is. jason is the silly, awkward older brother i never had (doodie jokes included) and i could not be happier for him.

you can purchase his book by clicking right here or right here and not only put a smile on a child’s face, but also be a part of a much greater cause.

you can read more about Garden of Dreams by clicking here, and learn how they work “to make dreams come true for kids in crisis.”

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congrats, broheim… “proud of you.”

so. this is a post about my current medication situation.

in other words, feel free to close the browser if you have nothing helpful or insightful to contribute.

here is what i love about the blogging world: readers and commenters have passionate opinions and are willing to share them in an open environment.

here’s is what i don’t love about the blogging world: readers and commenters have passionate opinions and are willing to share them in an open environment.

within the blogging world there is a sizable community of those who struggle/battle/are challenged with some form of anxiety. there are millions of theories as to why this is… however, that’s not what this post is about.

this post is about my current medication situation with regards to my general anxiety disorder and acute panic attacks.

again, feel free to close your browser. no hard feelings.

months ago, i wrote this post about having the baby bug. a couple of months after that, i wrote this post about having my IUD removed to get the party started on magoo 2.0. and then last month came, and i wrote this post about my baby bug being squashed.

paul and i have discussed trying for another baby this fall. DISCUSSED. i take this very seriously for a number of reasons… we have a lot to consider in terms of paul’s work and timing when it comes to expanding our family. that’s a biggie. we have a lot to consider in terms of jackson’s needs as a 2 and a half year old little boy who STARTS SCHOOL next month.

holy shit.

as for me, i have a lot to consider in terms of my mental health and well-being. anxiety disorder has always played a significant role in my life. i am medicated for it. there is a combination of drugs that work to keep the chemicals in my brain balanced and my panic attacks at bay.

i’m not ashamed of this. it’s not easy to relinquish a sense of control over oneself to a pill, or a combo of pills, but for me it is necessary and i have come to terms with that fact.

in order for magoo 2.0 to be conceived in the most healthy way, i need to be off my meds for the most part.

does this mean i’m going to go bat-shit crazy once i am sufficiently weaned off my medication??? quite possibly.

does this mean i’m going to go bat-shit crazy once i am pregnant??? most likely. hormones are nutso like that.

does this mean i’m not going to be safe in terms of my own mental health and state of mind??? i’m not sure.

so, i’m trying to find out what will potentially work best for me as i wean off my meds and continue to DISCUSS a possible pregnancy in the near future.

i want to be a good mom. we all want to be good parents. i’m not sure what being a “good” mom really means although i have been a mom for over 2 years now… but i know that my goal is to be a good mother.

being a good mom, in my case, means that i also need to be good to myself. i need to take care of myself in order for me to best take care of my child(ren).

i want to do this the “right” way. i want to wean off as much as possible, or change meds that are safe to take while pregnant.

so this is the part that i reluctantly offer to the blogging world… the one where readers and commenters have passionate opinions and are willing to share them in an open environment… yeah, that one.

this is the part where i ask you to share with me… not judge… share.

what have been your experiences in terms of weaning off meds and/or changing them?

how did it affect you?

in terms of anxiety-specific medications, do you have recommendations for me? ones that worked for you while trying to get pregnant or throughout a pregnancy?

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thank you. truly. it’s not easy for me to click “publish” for this post. but i do respect this environment and the people in it… and i respect your input.

it should be noted that i am and have been in discussion with doctors regarding this and i’m not solely looking to the internetz to provide me with solutions. (i like you guys and value your opinions… but not THAT much.)

i am soft, callused and bruised. freckled, sun-kissed and with a scab on my knee. crows feet form at the corners of my eyes when i smile.

i am scarred from falls and spills… from shaving my legs. scarred from a c-section. scarred from ink-filled needles.

i am giggly and silly in this skin. serious when needed, but not often. round in places that were once flat. squishy in places that were once tight. stretched yet sexy. still fun in this skin of mine.

i am anxious in this skin. worried at times that it’s not what it “should” be or what it used to be. it’s not what it used to be. it never will be. and i’m learning that’s ok because in this skin, i’m still me.

i am curious in this skin of mine. wondering what visible changes take place next, what more this body can take on and overcome. who i am to become in this skin.

proud of my curves and rolls that my skin now has… and watching the skin on my fingers tremble just to type that out…

proud.

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in this skin, i am being photographed by my husband.

a moment of intimacy that will last a lifetime.

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in this skin, i will be participating in a project that i am truly honored to be a part of… because it celebrates all of our skin and what it forms… our bodies. us.

i encourage you to visit the blogger body calendar project and learn how to celebrate your skin, your body, yourself, while sending a positive and uplifting message to those we love and care about so much.

please visit the blogger body calendar project on twitter as well… following the messages of encouragement and empowerment as myself and 11 other amazing bloggers journey together.

lastly, check out the blogger body calendar project on facebook, and “like” the page, sharing it with others.

thanks. a lot.

love,
nic’s skin

for the last 5 days, each phone conversation that i have had with my husband has begun as such…

“hey,” i say. jackson screeching in the background as my mom and dad whisk him away so i can focus.

((((long pause))))

“i still don’t know anything,” are the first words out of his mouth.

and those 5 words NEED to be said immediately after i have answered the phone in order for him and i to attempt to carry on any sort of “normal” conversation beyond the not knowing… beyond the obvious ugly.

once that has been established, some questions are asked from my end… questions that i cannot share here but wish i could.

he and i attempt to discuss other things. talk about jackson. ask about our families.

we continue to duck and run, bob and weave, dodging what we dread so very much… being separated for a VERY long time, with him being called away to a place that keeps me awake with nightmares in the earliest hours of the morning.

i have these conversations with myself during those wee hours of the morning when i wake up startled and scared.

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we dodged the bullet this morning. he was not chosen to leave at this moment in time.

i’m grateful. i’m relieved. i’m breathing at a steady pace.

but i’m still frightened.

this looming THING that we have been spared from for the second time in just a couple of months still looms.

it arrives with full force, announcing its presence with a thunderous roar.

and you wait.

and wait.

you duck. cower. look left and right. weigh your options.

you bob and weave.

and then what was this all-consuming THING vanishes in an instant. as quickly as the snap of a finger. and you are told that you are spared.

today we were spared.

but someone else was not.

someone with a family. someone’s husband. someone’s daddy. someone’s brother. someone’s son.

and so it goes…

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THANK YOU from the depths of my soul for all of the encouragement and support you have provided me with since my last post that i was not even given the ok to publish until yesterday. i have the greatest readers on the face of the planet. you are all gold, and i hope you know that i truly am grateful for each one of you. you allow me to be me in my space. accepting me at face value. and at the end of the day, that’s all i could possibly ask for.

paul’s beloved grandpa jack and many others who have so bravely and selflessly served.

and… we’re… LIVE.  (((wild applause and cheering)))

as you all know, i have been dealing with a bit of a hack issue for the last few weeks. long story short, my former domain host hacked away at my site like one does when chipping away at an ice sculpture, only instead of creating a masterpiece, they effed up not only my site, but my entire database thereby causing me much angst, wondering if the last 3 years of my life that i’ve shared with the interwebz was gone.

the heroine (not the kind you shoot up) in all of this is my new webmaster, @PrincessJenn of Princess Prose and co-creator of BlogHerAtHome.com with me. not only is jenn entirely responsible for recovering ALL three years of content that exist on my blog, she is also the fantastically talented designer of my new home… one that i intend on keeping for a very long time.

she can’t get rid of me no matter how hard she tries. jenn has the brains and the boobs beauty behind the design, and if you’re in the market for something spectacular, i suggest you scope out her portfolio, designs by princess jenn.

all joking aside, there are no adequate words to fully describe the gratitude i have for jenn and the work she has done. you writers/bloggers understand… when you have this space where you freely express yourself and share yourself with others, you love it. it’s your haven. and to have been hacked so ferociously and consistently for weeks on end is so incredibly invasive. i know i’m not the only blogger who has endured the wrath of a hacker recently, but i do know how it made me feel, and it leaves me now with so much gratitude for a friend i can trust to share my space with, knowing she has it protected to the best of her ability.

so THANK YOU jenn… for so much. me lurves ya long times.

now that that’s out of the way… *tear sniff sniff* take a gander around. somethings have stayed the same and others have changed. i have *GASP* dropped what was my “bottle of the week,” for a couple of reasons. a lot of other bloggers have started doing similar things on their own blog, and simply put, they know their shit better than i do when it comes to beer and wine. i just like to drink it and photograph it. the other reason for dropping it is because it was kinda stressing me out a few months back, feeling like i HAD TO HAVE A NEW BOTTLE POSTED BY MONDAY. meh… less stress, more lazy.

if you’re wondering “WHERE DID HER BLOGROLL GO BECAUSE I WAS ON IT AND NOW IF THE BLOGROLL IS NOT THERE THEN I’M NOT THERE AND THIS IS ALL ABOUT ME…” fear not. my blogroll can now be found on it’s own page, at the top tool bar (haha, i love saying “tool”) and appropriately titled “hooked on.” if you’re not on my blogroll and thus feel neglected and alone, let me know.

so take a gander… go ahead. don’t be scurred.

pull up a seat and pour yourself a glass of crazy.

cheers!

so i have this friend, emily… she’s so friggin cute that i want to just smooch her through my computer screen each time i see her pop up on my blog. her blog, last train to pooksville, is a daily read for me. i admire her photography. i think her baby, poppy, is more precious than words can convey. and i love how emily gushes about how IN LOVE she is with her husband, david. she’s rad and she graced me with this award last week.

yeah… a week ago. and i’m just getting around to it now because i haven’t really known what to do with it.

i don’t do well with awards. even if they are of the blogging kind. but alas, i will accept with much gratitude and pay it forward because there are awesome bloggers out there who i consider to be quite beautiful.

here are the rules that i must adhere to as a recipient of said award…

1. thank the person who nominated me for this award… check.
2. copy the award & place it on my blog… check.
3. link to the person who nominated me for this award… check.
4. share 7 interesting things about myself
5. nominate 7 other beautiful bloggers

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ah crap, 7 “interesting” things about myself…

* i have to make the bed. like, me. I HAVE to do it. no one else can. if my husband attempts, which he does when i have been out of town, i redo it. that may be the one thing that i am OCD about. not sure where it came from exactly… my dad makes the bed sometimes for my mom and she doesn’t redo it behind his back… i dunno. but I HAVE TO DO IT. (i really don’t think my husband minds.)

* i eat CONSTANTLY and all throughout the day. i am beyond being a snackaholic. i’m simply a foodaholic. if i don’t eat every 2 or so hours, i get uber cranky, fantasize about stabbing certain people and get really whiny. i love food. all of the foods. every food on the face of the planet. i will eat it all… especially nutella.

* crikey, this is only #3… uh… when i was in middle school, i had a poem published in my teacher’s anthology she was composing on student poetry. the poem i wrote was about my grandfather, who had passed away the day we moved to chicago (where i spent my middle school years), and on the day that this teacher told me that she chose my poem to publish, i promised myself that i would have my own book published by the time i was 30 years old. as it turns out, i will turn 29 in may and have slightly altered my original promise to be a published author with my book on the shelves by the time i am 35.

* i love tattoos. those of you who are familiar with my blog, my story, and the decision i have made to celebrate my once violated body know that i truly appreciate the art of tattooing and how incredible it is to permanently mark one’s body symbolically. and yes, it is addictive and i want more… constantly.

* my husband is sitting next to me now, telling me that i should make it known that i was a competitive dancer in middle school and my first year of high school. *head to desk* yup… there are pictures to prove it. none of course that i will post here, but yeah… i was a pom pom girl. the uniform was hot and i rocked it. plus, i got to wear the super cool cheerleader shoes that had the pop-out colored stars so you could represent your team colors appropriately. yeah, you’re jealous! those of you who know me now, if you didn’t know that tidbit about me already, i imagine you are laughing your ass off. enjoy.

* i know the words to nearly every single song that was recorded in the 1980′s. seriously, i do. while i may not take pride in the fact that i was once a competitive dancer, i will so own THIS FACT WITH PRIDE. my ultimate fave is heart… my go-to band… and of course “alone” being my favorite karaoke song that i will never EVER sing karaoke too out of fear of passing out on stage. aside from heart, madonna, prince, cindy lauper, billy ocean and of course, tiffany, i love me some elton john… “tiny dancer” is my all time favorite song, and i want it to be played at my funeral one day while people sway back and forth singing “hold me closer tiny daaaancer… count the headlights on the hiiiiiighwaaaay…”

* my “dream house” must include a library. i don’t care if there’s a white picket fence, a veranda or wrap-around porch of any sort (though that would be nice), it must have a library. as much as i adore writing, i love reading just as much, if not more. when i’m not sharing a book with a friend, trading books with friends, i am buying books that i don’t even have time to read simply because i know that ONE DAY i will get around to reading it. i have saved every book that i have read since high school and there are so many boxes in our attic that contain my books, anthologies, etc. that our moving crew HATED me by the time they got all of my boxes up to the 3rd story of our apartment. i like books. i want a library.

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so, now i get to pass this on to other beautiful bloggers… (insert evil laugh here.)

1. becky, of life out of focus constantly reminds me to focus on the beauty of my family. she is also one helluva hilarious friend to have on twitter. not a day goes by where i don’t find myself laughing out loud with this gorgeous woman.

2. firemom, of stop, drop and blog is a fantastic woman whose first name i do not even know, but she never ceases to make me laugh and offer excellent motherly advice when needed. she’s honest, true to not only her family, but to herself as a woman. definitely someone i admire.

3. kelly, of kelly without a net is a lovely mother to 3 children, her latest love only 6 weeks old. she is actually residing in annapolis, where i currently am, and though we converse nearly daily on twitter, we have yet to meet in person. she loves to knit and i LOVE that about her because i don’t have that kind of eye-hand coordination. make me mittens please?

4. mariah, of manic mariah, the original hot mama, married to tent camper of hotdads.com, this beautiful woman has numerous kids, numerous animals, and loves all unconditionally. she is one who i wish i corresponded with a little more regularly just incase the day should come where i find myself in their neck of the woods, because i know she would welcome me with open arms… and a dog to care for.

5. melissa, of pigtailpals is doing good things in this world and truly works to make a difference EVERY SINGLE DAY. she never ceases to amaze me with the size of her heart and how much love she puts into every project she takes on. this woman is a phenom.

6. holly, of artist, mother, teacher is a blogger, photographer, mother, teacher and artist in more ways than one who i am still just getting to know. but with every email or tweet that i receive from this incredibly strong woman, i find myself overwhelmed. she faces challenges with truth, acknowledges her pain, and is willing to make herself vulnerable… and she does it all with such grace.

7. jenn, of princess prose is my rock. i have “known” this fascinating woman for a while now, and i continue to glean wisdom from her. she is my stability in the blogosphere. and in the same way that heart’s “alone” is my go-to song… jenn is my go-to blogger. she is a true friend who knows me so well that i smile when she calls me out on my shit. now THAT is love.

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and……. i’m…….. spent. *phew* ok, enjoy your valentine’s wknd and don’t forget to wear a condom.