i’ve never been a big shopper. in fact, i hate shopping. if i HAVE TO shop, i will… but the experience will be over and done with as soon as possible. no dilly-dallying and definitely as little time in the dressing rooms as possible. in and out.

or i shop online.

but with the godforsaken heat lately, i’ve been forced to go to the mall. no, not for me… well, kind of for me. i’ve been forced to go to the mall to get the magoo out of the apartment and stroll him around somewhere stimulating in an attempt to wear him out.

has it worked? hell no. he’s still insane.

yesterday, paul got to join in on the fun at the mall, and both of us simultaneously turned angry and snarky as soon as we set foot inside.

the mall is a freakin freak show. maybe it’s just our mall, maybe there are malls around the world that are freak show-esque, but this was nuts.

when did malls get so weird? when did the people who hang at malls get so strange? when did stores start selling shit you would find in a sex shop (cheap plug for a new project i am a part of… sorry.)

as paul and i strolled the magoo through the mall, dodging people left and right because for some reason no one abides the laws of traffic when encountered with an individual pushing a stroller, we arrived at our first stop. starbucks. i thought this would offer me a bit of reprieve… maybe i was just being snarky, needed a little caffeine jolt, and i’d be fine.

nope. even post-caffeine rush, the mall was still freakin freaky. people wear articles of clothing that (in my opinion) they shouldn’t be wearing in daylight… tweens dress like they’re ready to hit the club and grab a round of tequila shots… i saw an older gentleman aimlessly walking around, not paying attention to where he was walking because he was CARRYING HIS LAPTOP and looked to be working on it AS HE WAS WALKING through mall traffic.

my guess is that he was on twitter.

then i start to take note of the merchandise carts that split the path through the mall. carts that sell hair extensions and straighteners, offering people free samples of hair. (whut!?!) carts that sell electronic cigarettes so that one can smoke indoors without offending non-smokers. carts that sell 20 minute massages by a skinny ass dude with a soul patch on his chin that looks like it was stuck on there with super glue for effect because he is 12 years old and cannot yet grow facial hair.

and there are always, always, those carts that sell lotions and aromatherapy products. carts that are occupied by crazy foreign women who approach you by initially saying, “can i ask you a question?” and though you respond with “no,” they follow you past 3 stores in an attempt for you to sample their pineapple papaya mango exfoliation gift-set.

BITCH, I SAID NO! DON’T MAKE ME GET PHYSICAL.

continuing our stroll with our son, paul (pushing the magoo stroller) comes up on 3 teenage boys… tweenage boys i should say. they were i dunno maybe 13-14. old enough to begin that weird stage of voice-changing awkwardness but young enough to still think punching and pushing each other in public places is cool.

these dudes decide to conduct their cool business of shoving each other just as paul and i are approaching them. i anticipate ugliness, lightly place my hand on my 6 ft 6 husband’s arm, and slow us down… because these idiots are about to shove one another into the magoo’s stroller, thereby knocking over our child who is strapped inside.

this is when paul gets angry, shoots the boys a look that says “i will mess you up beyond the point of recognition,” and then says to me, “i will uppercut a punkass if i have to.”

we seek solace in the borders bookstore, though it’s crowded since it’s a sunday. make a few purchases, the magoo gets a book about lions since they are currently his favorite animal, and we leave the mall.

when did the mall get so friggin weird?

*****in other news, Sex and the Mom dot com has officially launched, so be sure to check in over there every now and then for even more funny fantastic freakiness from your’s truly.